Mummy has a beard on her willy

[Ahostofgoldendaffodils]

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

My DH was getting out of the bath. DD (then a toddler) saw his manhood and told him that he had a poo hanging down! Fortunately we managed to stop her when she tried to tell DM the next day. She also declared for all to hear " why did that lady put a stick up your bum?" , as I walked out of the nurse's room into a surgery full of people. I rushed out of the clinic murmuring 'smear test'

Omg i laughed so hard at the "poo hanging down" I have tears in my eyes.😂🤣🤣

My then three year old DS in a public toilet asked very loudly “what’s that noise” at the sound of someone peeing in the next cubicle. Then he proceeded to stick his head under the door and asked the lady “are you doing a poo”? I was mortified!

😂😂😂 some of these!

My DS regularly told people “I have a willy and mummy has a no willy”

‘Mummy why do you have baa baa black sheep on your bottom!’ 😱

I was having quite a low evening and this thread has really cheered me up - thanks all.

Every time I had to take DS in to a public loo with me from about 2.5. Every. Time.

"MUMMY, ARE YOU DOING A POO?"
"No, shhh!"
"BECAUSE I SIT DOWN TO DO A POO. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT POOPING? CAN I SEE?"
"No, ladies sit for all their toilets, shhh!"
"OH BECAUSE YOU DONT HAVE A WILLY! YOU HAVE A LINE!"

DS was a very articulate but quiet child. Apart from when it was embarrassing, then he turned the volume up to 11. Thankfully he's better now, apart from narrating every fart he does in public. But at least he doesn't narrate mine!

Aged 3 or 4, DD used to call a vagina a 'pagina', and when she asked me 'Why doesn't Daddy have a pagina?' I told DH I was a bit 'Ha! Take that Freud!' what with his ideas that girls always experience 'lack of penis' and consequent envy rather than seeing their bits as 'normal'

My friend's son once told me "my Mummy has big boobs. With buttons on them".

😂😂😂 oh god!!! You've just reminded me of when my mum came to sit with dd when she was about 18 months, so I could change her cot into the cot bed. I had a rampant rabbit in a drawer and heard the drawer open and my mum say "No! Don't go in those drawers" she didn't know what was in there, I can only assume she was foing the general keep out of there! talk. Half a second later I realise what is in the drawer and poke my head round the corner to see my mum stuffing said rabbit back in the drawer and closing it. We never mentioned it

@FranticallyPeaceful front bum rockets! I will now call them by that name forever

My older dd took youngest dd in with her in a shopping centre toilet. Older dd had a poo and her dsis told her loudly to make sure she left some tissue for other people!!

Ok this isn’t really what one of my kids said but my dd who was about 7 at the time went upstairs to get changed into something she could wear on the trampoline... I’m sitting with my mil & dp... anyway in comes dd with my crotchless, lacy body suit from Ann summers on!!

My DD is too small for any of this thankfully, but it did remind me of my little brother, about 6, calling me a bastard in front of my (very religious) grandparents. My mum obviously decided to try and handle it in a way that would stop him from using the word but also not acknowledge that it was a naughty word as that would definitely only have encouraged him, and so told him to go and look up the word in the dictionary. He came trotting back in with the dictionary and we established that it meant "a child born out of wedlock", and we explained what that meant. He went quiet for a few moments and then piped up with "Mummy, does that mean Jesus was a bastard?"

My grandparents' scandalised faces are etched into my memory - as is my mum's horrified one!

Oh this thread is absolutely wonderful!! My DS is only 8mths and so far can only say Dadadada! But can’t wait for some of these corkers of our own 😆😂

We walked past the shops when dd was about 3, as a delivery driver had got out of his van. Dd asks loudly if that's her dad!

She did the same walking past a right weirdo. I felt the need to say no quite loudly, in case any passers by or indeed the men she "chose" thought there was a possibility they were her dad

She lived with both me and her dad so I do not know why she did this.

Lying in the bath.

Toddler bursts in, reaches into the bathwater and starts squealing "Seaweed!"

CaptainCallisto

My then 2 1/2 ds used to ask for cockporn at the counter of all and every supermarket, always at the top of his voice. I never didn't blush. And I never didn't get the strangest looks from those within earshot!

I remember my DS when he was a 4 and a half year old little dog horn: eight months pregnant in Tesco, a silent but deadly fart slipped out of me. Cue DS holding his nose and wafting his other hand, loudly telling other shoppers, “poo! Don’t go near my mummy! She sticks”. The little fucker.
We had a chap around when DS was about three to service the gas fire and I overheard DS offering hospitality to him: “Vernom, are you ok? Do you want a cup of tea?” Polite refusal from Vernon. Slight pause and then: “do you need a wee or a poo or anything?” Vernon politely declined 😂 Imagine if he’d said, “oh yes, I do need a poo”.

My then 2 year old peanut addict dd, throwing a tantrum in asda because i wouldn't let her eat the penis ! She shouted this over and over until i had paid ( she ment peanuts and i had to go through till early just to shut her up)

Oh just remembered In year 2 I wrote a whole story on why I loved the fish and Chip shop and coke... with some dodgy spelling errors...

‘I love the fish and chip shop because I get cock there. I lick cock very much’

The teacher clearly didn’t check the spellings as it was hanging on the classroom wall for quite some time... Ha

Just hilarious- especially the poo willy one

DD (aged about 4) sitting in bath - starts fingering her nether regions. As a good liberal parent I ignored this. A few moments later she looked up at me and said: "Mummy, there is a label down here!"

OH and I had a fun evening trying to decide what it might say: Do not Dry Clean; Handle with Care.............

Not me but a friend of mine on a deathly quiet train carriage: "Mummy, the other day Grandad called Nanny a miserable old cow."

'Mummy, Mummy, why is your front bottom all furry?' 3 year old child asked loudly and with great clarity in the swimming pool changing room.

We stayed in that cubicle for quite a while in the hope that everyone who had heard might have got changed and left rather than me have to face them...