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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mummy has a beard on her willy

314 replies

Ahostofgoldendaffodils · 06/08/2018 18:01

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

OP posts:
Ilovemypantry · 07/08/2018 00:34

I have been in stitches reading these stories 😂😂😂

Ilovemypantry · 07/08/2018 00:36

Out of the mouths of babes....

Atchiclees · 07/08/2018 00:44

My DS then aged 2, had a stage where he loved clocks. If he spotted one, anywhere, he would run around excitedly saying “cock! Cock!” Plenty of giggles and blushes when out and about Grin

danni0509 · 07/08/2018 00:44

When my son was a bit younger he was really playing up in a shop laying down on the floor kicking off, so I said get up now, and I literally was about to say 'stop being naughty' but all I said was stop and he finished it off by saying 'taking the piss' BlushBlush

Could happily of died in the queue ! Grin

had to choose my words around him a bit more carefully after that one!

starsandstuff · 07/08/2018 00:46

@ReverseGiraffe "I DON'T KNOW YOU! YOU'RE NOT IN MY LIFE!" That made me proper snort Grin

Justgettothepoint · 07/08/2018 00:46

My ds on seeing his dad naked pointed and cried out "DADDYS GOT FURRRRR! "

madja · 07/08/2018 00:48

He also that night, on being called a “sausage” by DM, turned to her, looked very arch and said in the most French accent ever “saus-aaaaazzzzhhe” (to rhyme with sauvage

God, I love this Grin

668neighbour · 07/08/2018 00:56

DS (21 months) at the pool a few days ago:

"Dat one like mummy. Hair. HAIR. Feedy mummy. WANT IT"

Poor woman trying to get changed in peace... DS gesticulating wildly at her privates, volume turned up to 11. Everyone around trying not to laugh... I took the opportunity to get changed in peace without being badgered for a feed just because my boobs were uncovered for 2 seconds!

GunpowderGelatine · 07/08/2018 01:02

I made the mistake of asking my 6yo earlier, when we were playing a game involving 'silly' words (bum, wee, poo, fart etc) what the rudest word she knows is. I think we are rare in that DD has never once repeated a swear word, and we're quite good at not swearing around her, so I was taken aback when her eyes lit up and she said, with conviction, "FUCK!" Blush I think I did a good job in not laughing, it was very hard not to though!

GunpowderGelatine · 07/08/2018 01:05

And when she was 2 on holiday in Lanzarote, she was doing really well with her talking, but her enunciation was what you'd expect of a 2 year old. She dropped her cutlery one night at dinner, gasped and shouted "my fork and knife!" - but you would swear she shouted "my fucking knife"

goforthandmultiply · 07/08/2018 01:12

A friends DC told us all about how he loved his dad's "little cock" while we tried not to laugh. Turned out he meant his new wristwatch, which he refused to call a watch since it was clearly a small clock...

OnlyAmy · 07/08/2018 01:13

DS was old enough to know better. He was about 13 or 14 yrs old and he KNEW we don't drink AT ALL. When in any grocery store, he would loudly say "Oh, Mom-did you spend all the grocery money liquor AGAIN!" Could have killed him!

He also liked to fart and then say loudly "Mom! That was awful!"

Fuzzywig · 07/08/2018 01:18

When my nephew was little he innocently asked my sister why she had a moustache.

He once overheard me say “shit” he was about three. Cue a very cute voice walking around for the rest of the day repeating the word shit, usually in bursts of three or four. Much to my embarrassment.

His younger brother walked into the bathroom when my niece was having a bath - they were probably 4 and 6, he was horrified and asked where Zara’s winkle was. Zara was equally horrified and close to tears until I explained that girls don’t have winkles. Lol

Stimmyplip · 07/08/2018 01:22

I was trying to cut ds's (4 and a half) hair and got a big clump on his back. He looked at it and sobbed "no no no you've given me a back vagina!".

AmazingGrace16 · 07/08/2018 02:55

A friend's DS about aged 2 was over to play. It was near Halloween and the children were dressing up and playing Halloween themed role play. Her DS pipes up that he wants to "ride that dick like a bitch"...she swiftly translated that he wanted to ride the stick like a witch. I was creased up!

PeachesPlumsPears · 07/08/2018 03:45

These are hilarious. Please put in Classics.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 07/08/2018 04:12

Much needed laughs thanks to this thread.
DH and DD, then 2 were in the family changing rooms at the swimming pool when DD asked in her very loud voice: 'daddy why have you got a sausage on your bottom?'
Cracks me up every time I remember it.

Strangely I've had no comments at all yet from her.

cherrytree63 · 07/08/2018 08:30

When my DD was about 3, I had to take her with me for my smear test.
Mid examination she flung open the door and BELLOWED to the packed waiting room "MY MUMMY'S GOT ORANGE HAIR ON HER DING DING!!!!".
Walking through the supermarket she told an elderly lady that she smelled like a drain.
Queing in a shop with my DS7, asked loudly if the person in front of us was a man or a woman. I couldn't tell either ( Blush ), which was awkward...
Sitting in a cafe with my friend and her little girl, when LO spotted a basket of creme eggs. She excitedly shrieked "there's the sweets that Grandad puts up his bottom!"
I raised an eyebrow at my friend, who explained that her Dad did a chicken impression, flapping his elbows and clucking and pretending to lay a chocolate egg.
My son had bouts of terrible constipation. DH and me tried to get him to eat more fruit and veg, and drink more water. "It'll make you poo" became our mantra. Until he offered a lady sitting on a bench some of his cheddars, advising her that they'd help her do a poo.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 07/08/2018 08:40

Took toddler DD to the toilet at a soft play, completely empty. DD whilst having a wee " mummy I don't have a willy. Do you, like daddy and dB?"
"No sweetheart im a girl like you"
"I know mummy. Daddy's willy is MASSIVE"
walked out to a huge line of people just staring at us. Blush

kaytee87 · 07/08/2018 08:43

Thought of another one. We were on holiday with the ILs when ds was 20mo. DH was changing DS nappy and getting him dressed on his lap, before the new nappy went on ds did the biggest poo all over DH. DH said 'oh for godsake, I'm covered in shit!' cue DS walking around for the rest of the day saying 'shit, shit, shit' clear as anything Blush

Ratonastick · 07/08/2018 08:57

I was visiting a friend whose DS had had problems going to the loo so needed a bit of encouragement. As I emerged from her loo, an earnest voice announced “excellent wee Auntie Rat”.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 07/08/2018 09:33

Thought of a few all from a while ago.
DS1 needed encouragement for doing a poo in the potty so I introduced a gold star chart. When he was 6 or so , he informed his younger sisters very solemnly in the newsagents that the free gold stars on the front of the magazine were for poos!
DS2 purposefully throwing a toy on the floor and saying very loudly “Oh buddy ell” DH turned to me and said that your fault ! It was.

As a primary teacher having been asked to do sex education with 5-6 year olds . Basically body parts . Emphasis on keeping it all matter of fact and normal . So one evening , girl pupil turned to her daddy during tea to announce that Daddy had.a penis and did he know that he had a penis ? Daddy apparently nearly choked on his tea!
Another girl pupil told her mum that she had a Venus.

On another occasion, we had a policeman in to meet the class. He showed them his handcuffs . Cue hand up from a little boy at the back
.” My mummy has got some of those on her bed- pink ones! “ Mother was mortified !

Aprilshowersinaugust · 07/08/2018 09:34

Don't think you people with toddlers/small dc are safe when they get older -
My ds's 14+16 love nothing more than going to the help desk at supermarkets and claiming to have lost their dm!! - my car reg has the start of an Egyptian name from a film on it and they tell the desk that's my name and have a 'shout out'!! I always ignore but I know I go bright red!!

angelnix · 07/08/2018 10:12

I was in the hellhole that is Card Factory buying a card with my youngest in the pram. Young girl, about 6, stood next to me looking at the New Baby cards with her dad....."Daddy, how did the baby get into Auntie X tummy.....and how did it get out?" Dad made me laugh..."this is a conversation that we've had before and now is not the time", so the little girl turns to me...."You have a baby, how did it get in there and how did it get out?" Dad literally picked her up and walked out whilst I cried with laughter. She knew exactly what she was saying and the effect it would have, genius way of escaping that shop!

Ilovemypantry · 07/08/2018 10:28

Hope I’m allowed to post this one🤔

When my nephew was about 3 I was in a supermarket with him sitting in the front of the trolley. As we reached the queue at the checkout he looked across at a little black boy also sitting in a trolley. He kept looking across and then looking at me (I was trying to ignore him as I knew something embarrassing was going to come out of his mouth!).
Eventually, my nephew said in a very loud voice “ Auntie * what has that boy got all over his face?”. 😱 It was obviously the first time he had been up close to someone of colour. I did explain that it was just that the little boy’s skin was a different colour.