Mummy has a beard on her willy

[Ahostofgoldendaffodils]

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

Thank you all for sharing, you’ve cracked me up

All ils sat around waiting for news in ggf in hospital with pleurisy and not expected to make it, ds still needing a bit of help on the toilet needed to go, fil offered to take him. On return ds announced fil had a big penis but not as big as df's!
Thought ggm was going to pass out!!

Said very loudly in a portaloo at a motorway service station 'mummy why are you pushing a white stick up your bottom'
I was changing my tampon and had my four year old DD in tow

Scoffing peanut m&m's, 3 year old ds started nagging me to have some too. I told him, "you won't like them, they're peanuts"...

"But mummy, I like penis! I LIKE penis! Penis is my favourite!!"

DS is almost 2, and starting to make little sentences. We’re joined at the hip (single mum), so he sees everything. He looked very concerned when he saw my bloody sanitary towel one morning, so I said “mummy’s okay- this is just like a nappy to catch the blood from my period”- not thinking he’d understand a word, but wanting to reassure him.

He now runs to get me a nappy from the box every time I have a wee- and has subsequently told my mother when I asked her to watch him while I popped to the loo “rah rah- mummy gets nap nap”

He also that night, on being called a “sausage” by DM, turned to her, looked very arch and said in the most French accent ever “saus-aaaaazzzzhhe” (to rhyme with sauvage)

Also he thinks the horses in our field are a mummy and a baby. He particuarly enjoys screaming repeatedly MUMMY HOR’! as we pass them in the morning

Penis is my favourite.

I died. That was brilliant.

My then three year old walked in to the front room once where I was sat with my dais, BIL, and our parents and said ‘mummy I have accidently weed on your farrr China sweeties’ and then Proceeded to to give me a box of tampons saturated in his piss.

He recently told his nursery teacher when he grew up he wanted to be a fireman with a massive willy like his daddies. His teacher couldn’t look my OH in the face at pick up!

Oh, and this afternoon I caught him staring in the mirror. I asked him what he was looking at. And he said ‘I’m looking at my handsome face and waiting for my beard to grow’

I haven't had anything like this but some are so funny 😂* however there was a knock on the door once and my ds opened it before I could get it. It was a dpd driver

'Oh hello daddy, there you are....I've been waiting to meet you' with open arms as if he wanted this guy to pick him up 😱

No idea where that came from.*

Omg I have tears

When my dd was little she got really upset that the water in the toilet didn't change red when she went like it did with mummy went.

She also started screaming in a public toilet that she had a pea in her bum and couldn't get it off. For a moment I had no idea what she was talking about until she pointed at her clitoris. I told her it was meant to be there but it didn't stop the screams of "get it off". The other women in the toilets found it hilarious.

I was at the hell that is soft play with dd. My sister and niece were with us too. Dsis and niece went to the loo. On their return, DN announced in a loud voice, "Aunty Watto! Mummy just did a red wee!" Dsis was mortified that DN had just announced to the entire building that she was on her period,

This is many years ago, when "point and click" was leading edge of computer technology. DS phones me at work "Mummy, we've got a new computer! And it's got a Mouse!! A Real mouse - it's got a ball!

I am LMAO at all of these! Thank you all so much for brightening up my Monday

I remember as a teenager a friend telling me about her little sister (who about 3/4 at the time) was inconsolable one day because she was convinced her family had been to McDonalds without after discovering a 'box of McDonalds straws' in her big sister's bedroom. She'd stumbled upon a box of Tampax.

When DS was about 22mo he saw a woman going into the toilet (we were in a bar/restaurant on holiday). When she came out he started flapping his hand around and shouting 'ppooooeeyyyy'

When DS was about 2 we were at the park (again) and he pointed at this admittedly gorgeous guy and yelled 'Daddy! DADDY!'

I gave him a smile.

Usually I only get to interact with the granddads.

When dd was about 3 or 4, I was a single mum living with just the 2 of us. I had a problem with my sink and a plumber came round. Opened the door, he walks in and dd pipes up "are you my daddy?" Looking taken aback, plumber assures her he isn't. Plumbers mate walks in "Are you my daddy?" guy is younger and looks terrified but again assures her he isn't. She saw her dad three times a flipping week!!! She also pointed to a picture of a model on the wall in asda at around the same age and loudly asked of he was her daddy. I got some interesting looks. I have no idea why these children seem so bewildered by who their father is

DS3 (when in a public toilet with me): "Why did you put a candle up your bum?"
I hadn't expected him to turn round just as I was dealing with the tampon. I tried to shoosh him & then he had a lightbulb moment: "Ahhh. It's a firework!" Poor boy. Scarred for life.

This does remind me once of when my mum and dad took me swimming. My dad said 'one adult and one child please' to the extremely good looking guy behind the counter. i then blurted out 'yes my mummy can't come in cos she's bleeding in her pants'

Not so much what was said, but today's events were unusual for me! I was putting washing away while my two toddlers played nicely on the floor in my room (this should have been a clue)
My oldest says 'mummy can I have one of those? What youngests got?'
I half listened and said 'in a minute'
Turned around and youngest has somehow dug out a very old rampant rabbit from the back of a drawer.
Obviously it was swiftly removed with a rubbish explanation and subsequently binned!

In the ladies in a big BHS, the week before Christmas, DS1 (mid-potty training) put on a cheery loud voice and shouted 'well done Mummy! A wee and a poo!' I had to wash my hands and walk past the big queue like

He also, around the same time, announced on a packed train 'I love tits!' when DH told him he could hold the tickets. A man at the far end of the carriage shouted 'you and me both kid'

Omg kaytee 😂😂

That’s so funny, and reminds me of a time recently with my eldest. We went to ikea, and there was a queue for the bathroom. My son insists on going into the Cubical alone. So a lady comes out of a cubical, and my son walks in. Lady is washing her hands, and my son sticks his head round the door and shouts to me ‘mummy this lady has left her poo in the toilet, shall I flush it for her or shall we wait for a cleaner toilet?’ I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or the woman!

When DD was a toddler and I experienced a ‘surprise’ period in a public loo with her she saw the blood and kept repeating at top volume ‘mummy, you’ve poo’d in your knickers!’

When I was a teenager my then 2 yr old sister must have caught me naked when getting changed at times . It wasn't really a problem until she proclaimed to the room one day (mum, sisters, step dad, step grandparents and a cousin) "Summer has wizard hair on her foof". - she meant wizard as in Hagrid.
To say I was mortified is an understatement, I was a 14 yr old girl and didn't know how to react so took to my room in tears