Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 18:32

He isn’t from an ex mining area. He is Home Counties.
He doesn’t do much house work but does the odd job and does sometimes cook (one meal a week probably, sometimes two, usually at the weekends)
And I definitely blame his mother. She once told him that she and I were going to have a girl talk about cleaning, so he could go out and leave us to it. She helps me out by giving us frozen meals sometimes. It’s lovely but it doesn’t help me out it helps us out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 18:33

New papa yes I often cook the same for the toddler and for us. The times don’t always work and it involves much bigger portions and therefor more work to cook for all.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/08/2018 18:34

For a certain time and following an app ... definitely not.

However if I worked twelve hour days and DH was home I would expect him to cook the evening meal and likewise I would in your situation. Whoever is home first starts the meal here.

LeftRightCentre · 06/08/2018 18:36

Seriously do not enable this man anymore. He'll expect you to do everything after you return to work, too. And don't blame his mother, he's an adult. He's capable of accepting that women aren't skivvies.

VladmirsPoutine · 06/08/2018 18:38

I think the way he has phrased and structured it is abominable. That said, on balance if one partner is staying at home it is not beyond the realms of reason to expect them to have sorted out some sort of food. It need not be a michelin-starred extravaganza but a stir-fry for example is fairly straight-forward and basic dish.

This business of him giving you access to his whereabouts via an app and then hoping to be wrapped up early with dinner so he can piss off for a run is ridiculous. I think the dinner thing is just one example of how he doesn't seem to see child-rearing in the main as 'teamwork'. He thinks it's squarely your responsibility. I'd redress that immediately.

missnevermind · 06/08/2018 18:39

How old is the newborn? Are we talking 6 days or 6 weeks?
I think dinner on the table at or around 6 is not unreasonable.
But him leaving to go out to play directly afterwards is.
So the request is ok but the reason makes him a CF

TotHappy · 06/08/2018 18:39

He needs to FUCK. OFF.

If you were a sahm I'd say he was being unreasonable. But you're not. You're n mat leave so your paid JOB is to care for your new baby. You may get time to do other thongs, you may not, you may get time but not want to. It is in no way your job to run the home, cook or clean, that's shared between you as it (hopefully) always was because you both have other full time JOBS.

Dickhead.

Ethylred · 06/08/2018 18:39

"My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work. "
OP, did he ask politely or did he demand? There's a difference.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 06/08/2018 18:40

Show him where the food is kept, show him where the microwave, cooker is and leave him to it. If he asks for this again, just laugh manically in his face & give him the death state.

helpfulperson · 06/08/2018 18:43

I think the very first post sums it up very eloquently.

1stTimeMama · 06/08/2018 18:45

I have 4 children, and when the youngest was born, had 4 under 6yrs old. Im a SAHM, and as soon as I was able I was back to cooking. I have a meal made for all of us by 5/530pm every night.

I don't think he's being completely unreasonable, and not having RTFT, unless he does absolutely nothing around the house, or with the children, then I think it's a kind gesture to provide a meal for him after work.

ScrambledSmegs · 06/08/2018 18:45

HIBVU. When my youngest was newborn, the only way I managed to have a home-cooked meal on the table for dinner when DH got home is when my dad cooked it and dropped it round. He used to cook big one-pot meals and we would freeze the leftovers.

I know I could technically have done it myself, but it was very hard with a madcap toddler and newborn who screamed constantly (she was in pain due to ear issues, we subsequently found out) to find the time to cook and if it hadn’t been for my dad we’d have had ready meals or takeaways for dinner for months.

Pengggwn · 06/08/2018 18:47

He'd be on a hiding to being told to fuck right off in my house.

1stTimeMama · 06/08/2018 18:47

Having read a bit more, he's being a bit demanding and OTT with a the app thing, and to expect his life pre children to continue in exaxrlt the same way.

canonlydoblue · 06/08/2018 18:48

Are you cooking for the toddler? Could you not just do a larger portion of something (spaghetti, curry, stew, etc) and leave in the pot to be warmed up when he gets in. I know exactly how you must be feeling with two little ones to look after but I don't think its entirely unreasonable to expect a meal.

ScrambledSmegs · 06/08/2018 18:49

Although to be honest, hoping for a meal on the table when you get home from work isn’t really beyond the realms of acceptability.

It’s when it becomes an expectation or demand that it’s rather Hmm. And the buggering off out as soon as the kids are asleep for up to 4 evenings a week? No.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 18:52

What's he like with money, OP?

ReservoirDogs · 06/08/2018 18:52

My neborn.went through a real.phase of cluster feeds and colic which used yo.kick in between 5 and 8.

Put a potato, tin of beans and sausages on the table (uncooked) and say dinners on't table!

Then asked when the 1950s called?

Smallhorse · 06/08/2018 18:53

I think it’s a reasonable request and a reasonable thing to aim for .
But not always possible

GreenMeerkat · 06/08/2018 18:54

He is BU!

I work part time and I really don't mind cooking when I'm off work.. BUT... I have to wait until my DH is home to look after the children before I start. There is no way I could attempt to cook a meal while looking after two small children. Let alone a newborn and toddler! My DH has no issues with this. Some night he will cook too while I watch the kids.

LannieDuck · 06/08/2018 18:54
  1. He needs to understand that your 'job' on mat leave is to look after the children. 2 under 2 is utterly exhausting, esp with the sleep deprivation and breast feeding. Simply getting through the day is a win; anything beyond that (i.e. housework) should be met with effusive praise.

As such, all housework that you don't manage to do during the day (note: expectation should be none), should be shared. You're working longer hours than he is at the moment - he needs to accept that he has the easier job at present and needs to step up on the home front. It sounds as if he needs to up his game significantly.

  1. He has no idea how hard it is to cope with the two children together for an extended period, does he? Please find a way to leave him for a good long period. Are you at a place where you're comfortable expressing? Will baby mixed-feed? You need to leave the two kids with him for a day, and give him a 20 min warning to have food ready for you on your return.

You never know, he might manage it. In which case, he can do a day of childcare every weekend from now on :)

  1. He needs to cut down his hobby while baby's young. You need support in the evenings. Perhaps he could go out after they're in bed and all housework (tidying up / dishwasher etc) has been done?
AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 18:55

Ok....so you tell him that no, sorry, you're recovering from labour, you're sleep deprived, your body isn't anywhere near pre-pregnancy condition yet, you're responsible for two tiny dependent people all day and all night so no, you cannot have dinner on the table as it conveniences him every day.

What's his response?

And I definitely blame his mother.

Why? Is he not an adult man with a brain?

RoadToRivendell · 06/08/2018 18:57

You're essentially a SAHM and on any other thread you would be expected to do it all as he has been at work all day.

If OP had say, a 3 and 4 year old, I'd be more inclined to think that she should have dinner ready (hopefully, she'd want to do this, and her husband would be grateful, and they'd have a mutual respect for what one another has done for the past 12 hours) - but a newborn and a toddler is so unpredictable.

I could not put either of my kids down from around 5-10pm for those tricky/gassy 10 or so weeks. I was utterly useless - and I am an uber-domestic label-maker sort of person. I would have been crushed if my husband demanded this of me, because I would have known that he had zero empathy and that I would have to eventually leave him.

Squidgee · 06/08/2018 18:58

its bloody unreasonable.

However, if its something you are willing to do, but just need it easier. Prep it earlier in the day and just either stick it in the oven or cook it and reheat for when he gets home.

I used to batch cook and then reheat it for my Ex when I was on maternity leave.

MissContrary · 06/08/2018 18:59

When/what does your toddler eat? Ours ate the same as us as and I would only cook once so we either all ate together after dh got in or I would plate him one up. I don't think it's hugely unreasonable to say the sahp should cook as long as they understand there will be days it won't happen because someone is sick/cluster feeding/being an arsehole Grin

Ordering you to do it is different though. Especially if it's just so he can clear off out again leaving you with the kids.

Swipe left for the next trending thread