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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:
cheshiremama89 · 07/08/2018 19:19

@AynRandTheObjectivist a six month old beautiful baby boy! Grin

He calls for me when DS is ready to get out of the bath so I can stand there with a towel!

I also lay the towel/talc/nappy/pjs on our bed otherwise he's flapping around.

AngryAngryAngryAngry

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/08/2018 19:20

The person who stays home with young children usually has.

I'm not for one second slating SAHMs, I absolutely respect people's choices. And I'm not suggesting that all SAHMs are miserable, I know they're not. It's just that in my experience, if one person is at home more with preschool children, that person almost always has the harder deal, yet because their contribution is not financial, they need to atone for it.

If staying at home with very young kids was that much of a lark, more men would be doing it. And we all know it.

Cherrysherbet · 07/08/2018 19:22

Fuck that shit. Tell him to show you some respect.
What a twat.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/08/2018 19:22

Sorry, the only reason I could think of for a grown ass man with no disabilities to be unable to take a six month old out of the bath would be if it were a six month old rhinoceros.

He calls for me when DS is ready to get out of the bath so I can stand there with a towel! I also lay the towel/talc/nappy/pjs on our bed otherwise he's flapping around.

And you say he has a very high powered job?

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 19:24

A 6 month old llama? That wiupd make sense. I think my dh did that. I called out ‘busy, no idea how you think I get through the day. You can do it’ and left him to it... amazingly, he managed!

Oh and I’m on mn on my smart phone using one hand while bf the baby. I was cooking the salmon while the baby cried (couldn’t have him in the sling with the hot stove plus he’s hungry so would jsut be trying to claw his way Into me anyway, and nobody here wants beans on toast) and the 3yo striped when dh got home. I gave him the oven stove and 3yo to manage and started feeding the baby. We are both parents and we share the load when he’s not at work.

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 19:24

Stropped not striped.

RaspberryRipple1963 · 07/08/2018 19:27

Have we slipped back in time to 1958? Does he expect you to 'put on a clean frock and reapply your make up,ready for when he comes in' as well? Grin

Fabricwitch · 07/08/2018 19:31

It depends how high his expectations are. If you could put a microwave/oven meal on to be ready then I think that would be ok

AFigTree · 07/08/2018 19:42

I struggled to do this with a newborn and my second DC was at nursery most days! Yes it is possible but, at least for me, meant I had no chance to rest in the day as any possible downtime when DC were napping was spent on dinner. I needed that precious time because I was doing all the night feeds for my DC. You are already doing round the clock care for your baby. His request suggests he has no idea how hard your job is.

I’d like him to spend a month in your shoes, get fully sleep deprived, then see gow he manages it. Of coursr that’s not realistic...

What if you worked out a dinner plan, did the prep for him and then he cooked when he got home? That would be fairer.

As for him going out a few nights per week, of course that’s fine if you’re getting the support you need but when my DC were tiny I needed his support until they were in bed. I was so exhausted I struggled to cope without him.

I’m afraid your DH is sounding a bit entitled and lacking appreciation for the extremely difficult job you are doing.

Chocolaterainbows · 07/08/2018 20:14

The main problem here is that he expects it.

I don't see any reason why the cooking can't be shared. Op does it maybe Monday to Thursday, takeaway on Friday and husband cooks at the weekend. Maybe even make extra to use Monday to Thursday at some point.

I'm no stepford wife, but I do believe the person at home should do the bulk of the wifework. Especially when the partner is out working so many hours.

Both my husband and myself work. I don't want to come home to a messy house and have to make my own dinner, neither does he. My husband will look after the children, sort out washing, dishes etc and prepare dinner. I will do the same when he is working.

I had two young boys and managed. It's all about finding a routine that works.

I also wouldn't put up with a husband who thought it was OK to have so many hobbies and be out of the home 4 nights a week

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/08/2018 20:25

He sometimes calls ahead to say he is leaving and then we will discuss if he could pick up dinner on the way home or if I’ve got something planned. On a difficult day with the baby he will pick up dinner and cook it and then if he misses the gym he misses the gym

If the OP has posted this originally she would have had different replies and ones that didn't fuel her frustration. He isn't exactly the arsehole that he's been portrayed as. Some posters love nothing better to jump on a thread where the husband is the villain, projecting their own thoughts and views, which does nothing in ways of helping a new mum that is struggling to think straight.

user1483644229 · 07/08/2018 22:22

I think this is unreasonable and that he is underestimating your workload at home. Being at home with babies is exhausting and very hard work. A suggestion is that he cooks what he wants on his weekends and freezes it and that you heat it for him during the week. Expecting you to do pretty much everything child wise AND household wise (assuming this is probably the case) is unfair. This comes from a working mum that has been on both sides of the fence (SAHM and working mum at various stages).

Earthmoon · 08/08/2018 16:24

Is he saying it needs to be freshly cooked? Can you make extra lunch and put extra bit on the side to heat up when he gets home? Either one of you could turn the microwave on. Unless you he expects freahly made, elaborate dishes I think it is a reasonable request. As both you and your older child eat lunch I presume.

crazydoglady6867 · 08/08/2018 17:57

greatduckcookery sometimes it just depends what mood we are in as to how much our partners can piss us off, I assume OP is no longer pissed with her DP and realised he isn’t that bad after all!!!!

Osirus · 08/08/2018 18:03

I don’t see why not, I cook every day. I did this on maternity leave and since going back to work but I work two half days.

Probably not a popular opinion, but he’s out at work all day and I’m happy to make the dinner. He does cook sometimes.

Goth237 · 08/08/2018 18:18

I think you having at least something cooking for when he comes in isn't an unreasonable request. He's out at work and so your responsibility is the house.

Original poster
Twickerhun · 08/08/2018 20:16

Ah goth no - my responsibility is my children whilst on mat leave. The house work and cooking is to be arranged between us.

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 08/08/2018 20:25

She's on mat leave. She is responsible for the children, not the house. She's postpartum. Have none of you people had children? Do you seriously not know what a person's body feels like after having had a child?

And if you were one of those women who were up making dinner with a twin on each tit 30 seconds after popping them out, well bully for you. The rest of us were drugged, on drips, stitched up, bleeding and had so little core strength left we were like human spaghetti hoops. If you'd then told me I was responsible for making your dinner, I'd throw the tomatoes at you. The tinned ones.

Jeippinghmip · 09/08/2018 17:46

I think you having at least something cooking for when he comes in isn't an unreasonable request. He's out at work and so your responsibility is the house

Have you just arrived from the 1950s?

Ivorbig1 · 09/08/2018 17:56

Some cooking yes, when you can. If he is home first he chooses to cook or look at his children.
Out up to 4 nights a week, which day would you like to go out??
Off you pop cunty chops indeed.

GreenMeerkat · 09/08/2018 17:57

@Goth237 don't be so ridiculous. She is on maternity leave. Her responsibility is her children, not the house and her Husband's dinner. Jog on!

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