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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:
cameltoeflappyflapflap · 06/08/2018 17:47

My husband would have been in for a huge shock if he suggested this.

Poloshot · 06/08/2018 17:48

I think it's reasonable

Original poster
Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:48

To answer the pp no I do think he is being unreasonable. But it’s not totally unreasonable. Nor is it completely impossible. It’s just a damn stupid thing to ask/ request from someone when they have just given birth.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 17:48

Tell him to batch cook at the weekend and freezer it. Defrost in the morning. If you get chance you could chop some veg I guess.

BillywigSting · 06/08/2018 17:49

I do it quite often now ds is almost five but it's only just starting to be a regular occurrence. (I'm a sahm for reference)

To expect it with a toddler and a new born ibVu.

When ds was a newborn we just ate after he went to sleep for the night because it was just too much hassle to eat earlier.

GruffaloStick · 06/08/2018 17:51

Ha! my DH was lucky to find me showered and dressed when he got home from work and that was just with a newborn, I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be with a toddler too.
I'm a sahp and do the lions share of the cooking and cleaning now but DH would never dare expect to be waited on in such a way nor would he want to be. It's a full time job being the main carer for young DC

Crunched · 06/08/2018 17:53

When my DH is home and I have been at work I do usually expect him to be in charge of the evening meal.
I wouldn't dictate the time though, and even less so when he was contending with LO's.

Quartz2208 · 06/08/2018 17:53

No on the scale of unreasonbaleness he is being an entitled selfish twat.

Arrange to go out for a couple of hours, leave him with the toddler and the newborn and say you would like dinner to be ready when you get back

SisterNotCisTerf · 06/08/2018 17:54

Point him to the slow cooker recipes on Pinterest and let him crack on. You have other priorities than playing waitress to a full grown man.

Ittakestwo · 06/08/2018 17:54

@Twickerhun, for what it’s worth I agree with you. If you have a good day and have the chance to make a meal then great it’s a nice thing to do but when it’s expected well it changes matters

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 17:55

Bloody hell! My DH would be lucky to be able to open the door through the pile of toys and clutter that would have accumulated if I was home for 12 hours with a newborn and toddler. Unless he brought a take away home he would certainly not be expecting to the minute he walked in either!

Mousefunky · 06/08/2018 17:57

Is he from the 1950s?

Figlessfig · 06/08/2018 17:57

My husband came home one night and burst out laughing. All of downstairs was a bomb site, I was still in my nightie with unbrushed hair and teeth, and I had fallen asleep with the newborn sucking on one tit.

Awrite · 06/08/2018 17:57

Mat leave is for recovering from 9 months of pregnancy, childbirth and looking after a newborn.

You have a 19 month old as well. You should be given a medal and he should definitely be making your dinner.

Cheeky, cheeky bastard.

pointythings · 06/08/2018 17:57

I think telling you he 'expects' it is a problem. That would be a red flag for me.

I did do most of the cooking when on mat leave, but it was simple stuff that could be reheated. I batch cooked on weekends when DH had his hands full of the kids too.

And DH did all the reheating/cooking when he was home because he knew I had my hands full. Especially round dinner time, which is when babies are usually at their most unsettled!

Your H is being a knob.

TicketyBoo83 · 06/08/2018 17:57

Tell him to fuck off back to the 50s!

HowsAnnie25 · 06/08/2018 17:58

I don't think getting his dinner ready is necessarily unreasonable, but with all the other information you've provided about him, that would make me not to do it to be honest. He doesn't sound very supportive to me. He sounds like he doesn't expect his life to change at all now he's a parent of 2 children, which is very unfair on you and the children.

MrsDarcyIwish · 06/08/2018 17:58

I'm actually surprising myself with the calmness of my reply because I was tempted to advise you to tell him to take a running f-ing jump.

But then I thought....you could turn this to your long-term advantage.

Hear me out. Yes, he is BVU to expect this and to bugger off out leaving you with the two dc.

But you probably could organize it so that there is a cooked meal on the table Monday to Thursday (meal plan, slow cooker, batch cooking etc..)

However the deal would then have to be he takes care of the meals Friday to Sunday. Or you compromise, get a Tesco Indian or whatever)

Also, you need to make it clear that you want some 'you' time in the evenings too.

He is either clueless or taking advantage or more likely a bit of both. But please try to resolve things intelligently by communicating in a calm assertive way. It will get you so much further than letting resentment build up and then speaking in anger.

(Disclaimer: I was not often able to do this Grin)

delphguelph · 06/08/2018 17:58

God not again with this

TokyoSushi · 06/08/2018 17:59

What a twat.

LoveInTokyo · 06/08/2018 17:59

OP? The 1950s called. They want your husband back.

Oysterbabe · 06/08/2018 18:00

I don't know why anyone would want their partner to cook. I'm on maternity leave too and the highlight of my day is when he gets home, I throw the kids at him and shut myself in the kitchen to cook.

MissConductUS · 06/08/2018 18:00

Sure. Give him this:

bread+ham+mustard+bread = dinner.

Just kidding. He is being VU.

starfishmummy · 06/08/2018 18:01

Yanbu.

When I was a new mum with one child my husband would walk in and start cooking if I was busy with ds.

MsJaneAusten · 06/08/2018 18:01

Well if he wants his meal to order he can batch cook on a Sunday afternoon so that it’s all ready to bung in the microwave for him can’t he?