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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 06/08/2018 18:14

Buy him a slow cooker and tell him to crack on.

supersop60 · 06/08/2018 18:15

HIBU.
I echo what a pp said. If he were single he'd have to take care of himself. Marriage and family life should be teamwork.

FrazzledRockRed · 06/08/2018 18:16

He thinks you’re on holiday. Give him a full Saturday with the kids. Express for the newborn. If nb won’t take a bottle he’ll have to use a teaspoon. Leave at 6 and come back at 8pm. See if his tune changes.

He may go down the ‘but you have special womanly powers that make this easy for you!’ Set him straight.

cmlover · 06/08/2018 18:16

I think it fair, esp the night he works. you got to eat aswell don't you?

I know it's tough with young ones but he does 12 hour shifts to. lomg as he helps out with the cleaning and cool dinner when he not working then inwouldnt have a problem with it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2018 18:17

I think the only response to this is “don’t bother to get the snip dear, you won’t be needing it” . How unattractive. Mind you, in saying that, perhaps he should have it done without anaesthetic so he can get a tiny perspective on how it feels to give birth.

Iloveacurry · 06/08/2018 18:17

I think your husband is being unreasonable. I’m sure sometimes it is possible to have a meal ready, but with a new born and a toddler, things don’t always go to plan do they?

toyoungtodie · 06/08/2018 18:17

A marriage is about give and take. But If one of the two think there is too much ‘take’ then there are fireworks.
It’s really boring performing any activity, day after day, but if the DH in this case will eat anything then it’s not so hard with ready made meals from Aldi.
I was a SAHM for a while and I put food on the table for my family at 5.45 on the dot for years. We all sat down to eat together. Sat we had Pizza and chips and ice cream. Sunday my DH cooked a roast. He wasn’t much of a cook and still isn’t.

What a difference there is with my Dcs marriages. The boys all cook and the girls do still tend to do the lions share if the childcare, but their marriages are not like mine. Theirs are much more 50-50. I really admire them.
They SILs travel in to London to work but expect nothing. I think my sils are amazing.
So I think the answer to this post is....how do you feel ? If you feel resentful, then it’s a problem. If not, then it’s not.

Chocolate1984 · 06/08/2018 18:19

I'm not sure. You're essentially a SAHM and on any other thread you would be expected to do it all as he has been at work all day.

timeisnotaline · 06/08/2018 18:19

Absofuckinglutelynot. I’m on mat leave with newborn and toddler, the days toddler is not in nursery I pretty much refuse to cook, we do meals from the freezer still. Cooking is largely done when dh comes home because there are two people to
Juggle it then. It’s slowly getting easier, I can see that in a year or two i might be able to do dinner most nights!!
You can surely leave the house for two hours despite the bf? (baby won’t like it necessarily but sometimes it’s important) Choose a fairly standard meal, plan it for Saturday, you go out at 5 and leave your dh to cook it while watching the two of them.tell him to give you a 20 min heads up for dinners ready to come home.

If he doesn’t get it I don’t think I’d want to be In a marriage with him....

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 18:20

Haha. When I had a newborn and was on mat leave (no other children), I was a bleeding, limping, sobbing, sleep-deprived, leaking, postnatally depressed mess. I had both mothers round and I was barely functioning. There's actually a whole period I don't remember.

My husband came home, made dinner for us both and then made sandwiches for me for lunch the next day and rang me to remind me to eat them.

I wish men like him could somehow be made to shit a pineapple (or have it removed by emergency major surgery if they can't), with all the resulting injuries and complications, then be kept awake by a shrieking alarm every two hours around the clock, keep two small dependent people alive, and then be told to cook on demand as well.

Tell me OP. If he had a football injury, or something like that, would he be waiting on you?

LunaTrap · 06/08/2018 18:20

I don't think OP is saying she won't ever cook for him. I think the issue is the expectation that she tracks him via an app to ensure his food is ready to be served the second he gets home to facilitate him going out several evenings a week, whilst juggling a newborn and toddler. How can anybody seriously defend that?

IceCreamFace · 06/08/2018 18:21

I'm not sure. You're essentially a SAHM and on any other thread you would be expected to do it all as he has been at work all day.

I don't think that's true unless you have school aged kids (in which case you have plenty of time when they're at school). Looking after two under 2 is exhausting in most cases. By the sounds of it though OP is expected to be on call 24-7 while DH gets evenings off.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 18:21

You're essentially a SAHM and on any other thread you would be expected to do it all as he has been at work all day.

She's not a SAHM, she's on mat leave. AKA 'recovering from the fucking horror that is birth and attempting to regain a semblance of normal while bonding with the new baby' leave. Mat leave exists and employers are legally required to provide it because it's not a fucking jolly, it's essential for health.

SouthernComforts · 06/08/2018 18:22

I think having the ingredients ready to cook is fair - so meat out of the freezer etc. Then I'd expect him to be fully in charge of kids i.e not under your feet, whilst you cook tea. Take turns cleaning up. He cooks at weekend or takeaway.

Rudgie47 · 06/08/2018 18:22

Maybe half of the week, and that other half he does it.
I'd only be doing things though like pizza and salad, omlette and salad, salad and jacket potatoes etc. Not those meals that take hours of preperation and boiling and chopping 10 lots of vegetables.
He needs to step up and move into the modern age. Also fuck him going out 4 nights a week. I'd say he stays in whilst you toss it off doing hobbies.
Is he from an ex mining area?

SouthernComforts · 06/08/2018 18:23

And yeah 4 nights of hobby a week is a pisstake, he would be getting a ready meal on those nights.

southeastlondonmum · 06/08/2018 18:25

Ha ha ha. Tell him to FUCK OFF. My husband had a lot of eggs on toast when mine were that age which he made himself and often for me too.
My husband has been at home recently with two school aged children while I have worked. Yes, I expected my dinner on the table or for him to think about what we were eating. Mainly because he cooked for the children and then I just reheated

buckingfrolicks · 06/08/2018 18:25

Does he cook at weekends? And generally take the burden of it all then so that you have a break?

Didn't think so.

GeorgeIII · 06/08/2018 18:25

You could cook a couple of big meals, eg spag bols sauce, stew. Then plate it up, freeze it then just microwave when he arrives. Otherwise you cannot be sure you will be free to cook exactly when he wants.
Who watches the DC when he (and you eat btw?)

AnnieAnoniMoose · 06/08/2018 18:26

Ha ha ...lol....if anyone ‘expected’ that from me, they’d get very short shrift! He is a very selfish twat - how on earth did you get as far as having a second child to this entitled bellend?

OllyBJolly · 06/08/2018 18:27

He could batch cook on the Sunday, remove from freezer night before, and you stick in the oven at ETA minus 40?

Otherwise he can sod it.

LeftRightCentre · 06/08/2018 18:28

Delete the app. And fuck getting his dinner ready. Tell him to shove his 1950s attitude up his arse. You're not mat leave, not leave to wipe his arse whilst he swans off. Fuck all the 'but he works long hours' tripe. He has the energy to go to the gym, he can sort his own dinner.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 06/08/2018 18:29

y'know I never resent doing anything for my DH... when I want to, when I have the time, just to be nice, give him a boost on a bad day etc. Its nice to do things for someone you love, BUT the minute he 'expects' it or takes it for granted that I will do it then that is the day it ends.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/08/2018 18:30

He’s given me access to an app that lets me check his exact location so I can see how his journey is going nice-gives you time to open a beans.
Fuck to the no mate. I remember when dtwins were newborn, and dh had gone back to work,I managed to cook a chicken,do veg. Cracked it thought I. As soon as we sat down they did tandem crying until 11.30.
He needs to realise life with a newborn is not run to a clock.
Oh and you aren't his wifey.

NewPapaGuinea · 06/08/2018 18:32

What does you/your 19m old eat? Can you cook a bigger batch at the same time for him?

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