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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twickerhun · 07/08/2018 12:07

Thanks
I needed to sound this issue off against other people to see how it came accords to others. It’s interesting to know how strongly others see this issue and has given me much food for thought about where on the spectrum of stepfordwives I sit :)

OP posts:
Ignoramusgiganticus · 07/08/2018 12:10

It's not unreasonable for him to ask you to try to get it ready for then, after all you have to eat at some point, but he'd be bloody unreasonable to not understand that often it's not going to happen due to two tiny kids who aren't exactly predictable.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 07/08/2018 12:11

And yes, make sure he has them whilst you have some time to yourself too.

AngelsSins · 07/08/2018 12:12

Whoever is at home first should start the dinner

And if you want to make babies, you should be a fucking parent, not bugger off to the gym half the week after being out all day, and expecting the parent looking after your newborn to also cater to you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/08/2018 12:17

Your last post explains things OP. Not sure why you didn't say all that in your first post though.

Hope things settle down.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/08/2018 12:18

Your 12.00 post

Happinessisabook · 07/08/2018 12:28

I make dinner every night and I'm on mat leave.
However it's my choice because I like cooking. He comes in from work and takes over with the baby while I cook. So he gets time with the baby and i get a break from the baby.

If he has just asked you to do it then yanbu, hibu

LeighaJ · 07/08/2018 12:47

"Everyoneiswingingit

Whoever is at home first should start the dinner."

I've told my husband anytime he wants I'll start the microwave to "cook" him dinner.

@Twickerhun

"He was thoughtless in the way he suggested it at this time and he will come to realise this"

I read that as "and I will make sure he will come to realise this" Grin

Elephant14 · 07/08/2018 12:56

oh. So its all lovely then? Hmm

Original poster
Twickerhun · 07/08/2018 13:56

Not lovely no. As I said before it’s not totally impossible for me to cook like this but it would be tough. I’m not impressed at the way he has gone about things. once Ive had time to process things we will be having a conversation. But given how tired and irrational I am I need to do some processing using you lot as a sounding board so I could gauge how unreasonable things are.

Have you ever been exhausted and struggle to work out how to handle things, elephant? I needed to think aloud and get some feedback. I’ve got that now and had a better night last night to be able to think it through and work out what kind of meals we might eat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twickerhun · 07/08/2018 13:57

He will come to realise things yes. He will understand just what a dick he was .

OP posts:
RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 14:35

OP if you're happy, that's great, but I just don't understand why he needs all this time to understand why the fuck you can't just take 30 minutes to prepare his dinner.

Does he have any concept of what you're up to while he's at work?

Why is it you that has to be so patient while he figures things out?

I'm really irate on your behalf.

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 14:36

Has he ever had sole charge of the newborn and toddler?

sunflowersinthesky · 07/08/2018 15:08

My late DM was a traditional housewife and did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, childcare etc etc.

But then on the other hand my DDad was a traditional dad. He would spend a huge amount of time cleaning and maintaining the car, doing the garden and growing vegetables, pickling onions, making wine and beer, putting out the rubbish, taking me with him on a Saturday morning to Sainsburys and doing the big shop, painting and decorating, planning Christmas down to the nth degree, fixing electrical things, toys, whatever was broken he could mend it. One year he made me a dolls house complete with electric lighting and all the furniture.

They both pulled their weight and contributed in different ways.

Some people might like a relationship like that now, some might prefer to share jobs. But I bet any money you like that there aren't any women who actively want their partner to come home and do fuck all.

Everyoneiswingingit · 07/08/2018 15:34

That's your first mistake right there. When mine were newborn, they would not be put down at that time of day. It isn't called the 'witching hour' for nothing, you know. It doesn't last forever, but it's a real thing.

I had 2. 1 with colic. Screaming for a few minutes will not kill them. use a sling! he is out of order for his attitude. But she is not disabled, she has children, women have been having children and preparing meals for centuries. What do single parents do??

Everyoneiswingingit · 07/08/2018 15:38

Thanks for the step-by-step. hmm

Yeah well is it's obviously not obvious to some!

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 15:43

Screaming for a few minutes will not kill them.

Good god woman, you would leave a colicky newborn to scream while you cooked dinner? So that your husband could have dinner on the table when he got home?

Fuck that. It is a terrible practice to leave a newborn screaming.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/08/2018 15:53

If you need to spell it out to him then AngelsSins post is bloody perfect!!!!

Everyoneiswingingit · 07/08/2018 15:54

No I used a sling. I sang to my child and did all the right things while I cooked dinner for my family, me included.Meals were very simple in those days, maybe even a sandwich or beans on toast. OP has to feed her toddler anyway. Women are incredibly capable. 2 chn and we can't cook??

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 16:02

Women are not any more bloody capable than men, and physically weaker (extremely relevant when 18kg of 3y is screaming on the supermarket floor)- just men are only expected to step up when climbing Everest Angry

timeisnotaline · 07/08/2018 16:05

Mat leave is not being a sahp...

Everyoneiswingingit · 07/08/2018 17:06

No but in this case the man is out at work. If situation was reversed I'd say the same.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 17:12

hahaha hahaha hahahah ahhahahhahaha hahahah ahhahahhahaha hahahah ahhahahhahaha hahahah ahhahahhahaha hahahah ahhahahhahaha hahahah ahhahahhahaha hahahah ahhahahhahaha hahahah ahhahah

oh hahahah ha ha yes, yeah, def dinner on the table.

hahahahaha

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 17:13

No I used a sling. I sang to my child and did all the right things while I cooked dinner for my family, me included.Meals were very simple in those days, maybe even a sandwich or beans on toast. OP has to feed her toddler anyway. Women are incredibly capable. 2 chn and we can't cook??

Cooking with a baby in a sling is generally considered a bad idea.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 17:14

What do single parents do??

Dunno, why don't you ask the OP's husband as he is a father of two and apparently incapable of making dinner.

The OP isn't a single parent. Why should she have to act like one so he can do fucking nothing.

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