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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:
frijolesandstuff · 06/08/2018 23:03

Yes he can expect dinner about once every couple of months with a newborn and toddler.

Conversation time OP!

CandiedPeach · 06/08/2018 23:08

Dd was a easy baby and I could very easily have had dinner made for a set time each night, did I though? Did I fuck!
Mostly because I don’t want my dinner at a set time every night and my rule is if I’m cooking, I decide how, when and what!

I’d probably just say “no that doesn’t work for me” and leave it at that. Or wait till he walks in, say you need to pop out urgently and hand him both kids. As you go tell him dinners in the kitchen and leave the ingredients for a meal on the side with instructions of what to do and what time you’ll be back for your dinner! See how he likes it!

cestlavielife · 06/08/2018 23:09

Sure.
He can batch cook on a Sunday and fill the freezer with meals for mon to Friday evening and you can pop one in the oven when he is en route.

But you cook from scratch for him ? Nah.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2018 00:30

Some of the comments remind me if my DH saying how some colleagues wives cooked breakfast before they went to work for their husbands and ironed their shirts etc ..this while I was on mat leave.

I told him to go and marry one of them...because no way was I getting out of bed in the morning having had a disturbed sleep to make him breakfast.

Manage his expectations by letting him know it's really not possible on a daily basis...but if he writes down his favourite microwave meals...you'll add them to the shopping list.

He'll be asking for his slippers and the paper next.

Zadig · 07/08/2018 06:10

Sorry only skim- read the thesd, but I’m surprised by how many people think this is unreasonable tbh.

OP, all he’s saying is that he would like to eat earlier so he can go for a run when the kids are in bed.

I’ve always had dinner ready for DH in the evenings if he’s coming home. Why would you not do this? I know what it’s like with babies, but dinner doesn’t need to be elaborate in these circumstances. Just do a stir-fry as he comes in, tuna steak and salad - whatever. He’ll understand you don’t have much hands-free time.

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 06:16

OP, all he’s saying is that he would like to eat earlier so he can go for a run when the kids are in bed.

No, that's not all he's saying. He's saying he would like to eat early so he can go for a run when the kids are in bed, so can the OP have dinner waiting for him.

Would you actually tell your husband, if he were looking after a newborn and a toddler all day, that he should cook dinner and have it waiting for you at Xo'clock so that you could go running, or would you sort that out yourself?

OP is not a SAHM. She is on maternity leave with a newborn and a toddler. She is trying to find her feet. Can you actually not see the difference?

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 06:22

OP, all he’s saying is that he would like to eat earlier so he can go for a run when the kids are in bed.

When the kids are in bed? Newborns are that good at routine, are they? Hmm

If he wants to eat earlier he needs to organise that himself. He can put something in the slow cooker at night for the following evening.

LeighaJ · 07/08/2018 06:27

@Zadig

I think it's the tracking him on an app bit to make sure the meal is ready exactly when he gets home, that has drawn the majority of negative responses.

My husband does the cooking, I'd never tell him when he has to have dinner ready by, because it's rude. If I'm getting really hungry I'll ask when he wants to cook or if he's too tired I'll sort myself out with a frozen meal.

tomhazard · 07/08/2018 06:50

I'm surprised that anyone thinks this is reasonable with a newborn baby at home. Now my kids are a bit older if I'm the one at home I'll get dinner sorted, but rarely for the moment DH walks through the door.
When my dc were tiny there was no way I would have prioritised this - it is fucking hard work seeing to a tiny baby especially with a toddler about and dinner is a bonus!
When we were in this position DH would come home at 6ish then one of us would deal with dinner and the other the children. If the children were being particularly challenging- which was often at that time of day- we would deal with them together and then deal with dinner together later.

Who the fuck demands food on the table when they walk in from work from a partner who is looking after a newborn baby.

MentalUnload · 07/08/2018 06:52

He’s probably blissfully unaware of how much you have on your plate. So, help him understand.

Convince him to take paternity leave. Failing that, leave him for a full day at the weekend with both kids, and text him when you’re on the way home.

Lauren83 · 07/08/2018 06:56

@AynRandTheObjectivist

I have shown no worry to women that don't act like doormats, not sure where you have got that from? I stated we were all different I didn't judge anyone

I said I replied after reading the OP, that's what happens on here, if there was then a drip feed about abuse and PND I didn't read it, it's not a requirement to reply to posts to have RTFT, it's natural people post between the OPs OP and subsequent post

Misread the crowd? Get off the stage? Learn for next time? (This made me laugh) Smile

Also I googled vituperative as believe if or not it's not in most people's regular vocabulary and it's 'bitter and abusive' you honestly think my posts have been bitter and abusive to women on here?

It does sound like you had a hard time with a new baby and I am truly sorry to hear that, not sure if you are projecting your experiences a little

Ps I make lunch in the morning at 6am I just went to bed as it's tiring working 4 days with a 6 month old baby

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 06:56

Who the fuck demands food on the table when they walk in from work from a partner who is looking after a newborn baby.

And not because he is shattered, but so he can wolf it down and go to the fucking gym! Then, presumably, his wife gets the joy of cleaning up and continuing childcare until 8?

She may as well be a single parent.

Dannygirl · 07/08/2018 07:12

AynRandTheObjectivist your comments are brilliant and hilarious. You need a blog, or a book. OP of course your DH is being unreasonable, he is being a dick

CandiedPeach · 07/08/2018 07:15

Who the fuck demands food on the table when they walk in from work from a partner who is looking after a newborn baby.

Who the fuck demands dinner at all? It’s that attitude that would just have me never cooking him another meal again. My ex used to go out a few nights a week to football and gym, he’d like to eat a few hours before so he’d generally say if I was cooking and it was ready for 6ish he’d eat, if not he’d grab something himself. And that was so he could eat and have time to wash up and get dd ready for bed before he went out. Plus I went out two evenings as soon as he got home and he’d cook dinner then for when I got back.

Thirtyrock39 · 07/08/2018 07:24

I'd imagine you would be making dinner for yourself and your toddler at this kind of time anyway so is it that hard to keep a plate for him to stick in the microwave?
I always did tea for everyone (and still do now) since first dd born- if I waited for dh I'd be flipping starving by the time he'd got home and made dinner
The gym thing would annoy me more

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 07:25

Thirtyrock39

My toddler eats at 5, not 6, and making a small meal for her (a fish finger, some peas, a bit of spaghetti) is not the same thing as cooking a family meal.

Cooking for two adults is a bigger job and should be shared as something that benefits both of them, not the children.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 07:27

Or heating up a small dinner from the freezer. It takes 30 seconds.

If I had to cook for two adults at the same time it would be a much bigger job.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/08/2018 07:29

Thank you Danny, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I can be a bit abrasive but I usually am trying to make people laugh, on one level or another.

Lauren, get off the stage. We don't care about your situation. You're happy with it, that's fine, it's not an issue. It's the OP's, which is actually very different to yours. You misrepresented it, oversimplified it, were snide towards women who were angry about it and then literally told them to get off the internet and back into the kitchen. If you meant it to be funny, it wasn't. If you meant it to be serious, God help us all.

MessyBun247 · 07/08/2018 07:32

‘I’ve always had dinner ready for DH in the evenings if he’s coming home. Why would you not do this?’

Why WOULD you do this? Oh, because it’s what he wants 🙄. What about what the OP needs. You know, like support, understanding, help??

Just tell him no OP. You are busy looking after a toddler and a newborn. He can sort himself out. End of.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 07:32

And also - sorry to be going on but this has really got my goat - it is the attitude of entitlement, the app that he uses like ringing a bell, the 'expecting', the 'dinner on the table', the thinking it's okay to leave his post-parting wife at home five nights a week while he goes out for a spot of exercise. It's all of it, and it is an abysmal way to treat your wife.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 07:34

*post-partum

AynRandTheObjectivist · 07/08/2018 07:47

And also - sorry to be going on but this has really got my goat - it is the attitude of entitlement, the app that he uses like ringing a bell, the 'expecting', the 'dinner on the table', the thinking it's okay to leave his post-partum wife at home five nights a week while he goes out for a spot of exercise. It's all of it, and it is an abysmal way to treat your wife.

So good, we said it twice.

I'll say it again: this is maternity LEAVE. She's not a SAHP. She is on leave from work in order to recover from childbirth and bond with and care for her baby. Maternity leave is so important that women are, I believe, legally required to take at least two weeks of it, because you NEED time to recover and bond with your child.

It's not domestic drudgery leave or SAHP leave. It's leave to recover from the horribly traumatic experience of birthing a person or having him/her surgically removed from you.

If a man was off work with a sports injury, would you expect him to make you dinner when you did the 21st century equivalent of ringing servant's bell? And what sports injury is equivalent to being postpartum?

Zadig · 07/08/2018 07:53

Peng - I did miss the part about the app, but is he really expecting her to track his movements and have finest ready the very second he comes in? Hmm This sounds a bit extreme. He probably just told her about the app as a rough guide to his whereabouts. I don’t know, but I’m not sure this makes him abusive as some have suggested. My DH doesn’t finish work at a set time so he’ll generally text when he’s leaving so I know he’ll be back within the hour. Isn’t this similar and I think its very common?

In response to other PPs - yes of course I realise that maternity leave with a newborn is very challenging. I’ve had 3 DC. I don’t think he should be going to the gym if the baby is screaming or very unsettled in the evening, no. That’s very selfish of him if it is the case. However, I don’t think men who expect dinner roughly when they get home are necessarily abusive either - because mine does and he’s not! I generally get up and do breakfast for DH as well which probably makes him sound horrendous, but it doesn’t feel like that in the overall context.

If the OP is finding it all took much, then she needs to tell him the most he can expect is bread and salad at this stage. I know the 5-7pm phase is when babies can be most unsettled. It’s how you work it out. So, for instance, even though I always sort meals for DH, afterwards would maybe have taken the baby out for an hour in the summer, or walked around with him / her on his shoulder while I had a bath.

Zadig · 07/08/2018 07:54

Dinner not “finest”

Pengggwn · 07/08/2018 07:58

Zadig

Well, I don't know about you, but I am listening to the OP and believing what she says, not reinterpreting it in light of what I believe to be more reasonable. Confused

But what I don't get about your post is why you think the OP needs to do anything other than tell him to take a long jump off a short pier. What entitles him to "expect" dinner to be on the table at all?