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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my husband reasonable?

396 replies

Twickerhun · 06/08/2018 17:24

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 06/08/2018 21:42

HIBU.

When did was a newborn, we ate at all sorts of time ranging from 4pm to midnight. I found it really hard! If we’d also had a toddler I’m not sure if we’d have eaten at all!

NapQueen · 06/08/2018 21:44

Why not suggest to him that you decamp to the bedroom for his usual out of the office hours with only BFing the newborn done by you. Include his gym time.

If he can happily sort the dcs and the house as you would during the day and have your dinner ready for 6pm, then you can both discuss what to do moving forward.

TheCountryGirl · 06/08/2018 21:49

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AynRandTheObjectivist · 06/08/2018 21:51

WHY do people not just speak to their husbands instead of posting this crap?

In many cases (not necessarily this one, I don't know), because they're frightened.

Also, OP is a woman, which means she has been conditioned to doubt herself in a way men are not.

thegreylady · 06/08/2018 21:58

Send him out with the dc for a couple of hours on a Saturday and batch cook for the freezer..
Pasta sauce x2
Curry x1
Buy frozen fish fillets
Frozen chicken
Some posh pies
Should be possible but I don’t think he should expect it...

Sevendown · 06/08/2018 21:59

On his next day off leave him with expressed milk and the 2dc for 12 hours and offer him £50 if he has your dinner ready on time!

FinallyHere · 06/08/2018 22:01

I don't think that you can decide reasonable/unreasonable out of context with the rest your life. It needs a conversation, not an expectation, about what needs to get done and who is going to do what. Not just 'help you out with the dishes' but genuinely take full responsibility.

It might work out that you have meals ready four days a week, and he does everything else, if that is what works for you both.

TotHappy · 06/08/2018 22:10

Absolutely agree with Graphista about the traditional roles as well... Like fuck did 'traditional' husbands drop their shit around everywhere. They had standards. They put clothes away. My parents had a very traditional marriage while we were young, my mum did all the cooking and laundry but my dad would NEVER leave a collection of dirty underwear and scrunched, wet towel on the bathroom floor like my husband does, and yy to doing far more of the mental load too. He would also bring my mum a cup of tea and often breakfast in the morning.

They took responsibility for parts of life. Unlike some men who take no responsibility for anything other than getting their arses to work on time, and even then think they deserve a medal for it.

Toocold · 06/08/2018 22:13

He is unreasonable! You’ve just had a baby and have a toddler, sod that and he gets to swan off out and expects you to look at an app for his arrival.. another job for you! He is a grown man who can make his own dinner, you’re not sitting around doing nothing! You’re currently on duty 24 hours a day. He should be cooking for you. I don’t cook for my dh abs mine are 13,10 and 20 months as he knows I’m sorting them out.. the older ones occasionally cook as well as we expect them to be independent at some point!

GreatWesternValkyrie · 06/08/2018 22:13

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work

How many pairs of pants did you get through when you were wetting yourself from laughing so hard in his face? Shock

What he expects indeed!

Toocold · 06/08/2018 22:16

I also think telling the op she is posting crap isn’t helpful and it’s a support network not lets have a go at someone who has just had a baby network..

SabineUndine · 06/08/2018 22:20

I’d tell him he needs to employ a housekeeper as you’re a wife and mother not a skivvy.

Graphista · 06/08/2018 22:22

Yep - my dad was a shit in many ways but always brought mum a cuppa in bed first thing, as did both my granpas for my grans.

There was some kind of DIY or repair needing done most days when they'd finished work, mainly as they were very poor working class families so they couldn't afford to buy new if eg a lamp had a loose connection or washing machine needed a new part, they couldn't even afford to 'get a man in'.

All 3 men also helped all the DC with homework, learning to ride bikes, learning about nature.

And tothappy yes they wouldn't DREAM of leaving a mess - even from a DIY job - for the wives to clean up.

The division of labour was traditional and arguably somewhat sexist BUT it was roughly equal. It was fair.

My mum even now wouldn't know how to do the regular checks on the car as dad always did them. He's no longer well enough but the money for a monthly check of tyre pressure, oil and water etc comes out the household budget which includes his significant pension.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 06/08/2018 22:24

I struggle slightly at the 'demand' type way he seems to expect it in a good little wifey way. On the other hand I like dinner at a set time every evening because I have children's activities and set bedtimes. Even when I had a new born. If you want to make life easier in that respect utilise your slow cooker. It doesn't need to be heavy sauces and gravies. Just put some seasoned chicken breast in there with a scrubbed foil wrapped potato each and serve with salad when needed etc.

Graphista · 06/08/2018 22:26

I think I said as much to now ex during that 'heated discussion' along lines of "I'll start being a stepsons wife when you start being a stepford husband" because he was utterly useless even at traditional tasks - couldn't even hang a bloody picture straight let alone change a fuse. That's reminded me - we got a lovely pair of lamps as a wedding gift and when one stopped working he was gonna throw it out and buy new (we did not have a lot of spare money) I was shocked to learn he'd no idea that all that was required was a new fuse - his dad's a bloody spark!

Elephant14 · 06/08/2018 22:30

Send him out with the dc for a couple of hours on a Saturday and batch cook for the freezer.

No. Dont do that. send him out with DC for a couple of hours, you have a bath or whatever, then he can get the dinner on when he gets home.

LittleBirdBlues · 06/08/2018 22:34

OP i am shocked and furious on your behalf. What the hell?!

I've given birth four days ago and I also have a four and a 2 year old at home. Dh has taken over everything, from laundry to cooking and bedtime, because all I can manage at the moment is taking care of and establishing breastfeeding with the baby. Oh, and recovering from birth!

Once he's back at work, I will try my best to get as much household stuff done during the day as possible. I will probably make a meal a day or every other day; but if I don't manage to do that for whatever reason, then my dh would just come home, make us all a quick salad and omelette, and make sure we are ALL fed. Not just him!

Your job is to take care of the children. Everything else you manage to get done is a bonus. And once your husband returns from work, he should be the one holding the baby to give you a chance to have a shower (or even do some housework, but basically give you a break from caring for a newborn which is relentless, both physically and emotionally).

Foodylicious · 06/08/2018 22:37

Wtf would he do if he was single?

Sure he would manage to feed himself and get to the gym just fine.

No reason why he can't do it at least 50/50 now.

2good · 06/08/2018 22:39

I struggle with the fact that he 'expects' this. That would just make me not want to do it tbh.

thumpingrug · 06/08/2018 22:41

This sounds like emotional and phycological abuse to me.

Pringlecat · 06/08/2018 22:44

I don't think this is unreasonable, providing it's not anything fancy - something easy like carbonara or spag bol - and sometimes not 'proper' food, e.g. beans on toast or a heated up ready meal. I also think that if the OP is making sure he's fed, he needs to then pull his weight by doing bedtimes etc.

I suspect the issue here isn't that he's asked the OP to make dinner, but that he's not contributing elsewhere. It makes sense that the OP cooks given she's at home all day... but when they're both at home, it doesn't then follow she also does everything else. Then there are two of them to share the load.

Marilla27 · 06/08/2018 22:54

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Lindtnotlint · 06/08/2018 22:57

My flabber is well and truly ghasted. You have a NEWBORN AND YOUNG TODDLER. This is not in any way at all comparable to being a SAHP to older kids. Personally I found it probably the hardest thing I have ever done - and early evenings before bed were the worst part. He is totally, utterly U.

Also there are some pretty amazing people on this thread who can apparently manage all this without breaking a sweat. It’s ok not to be one of them. Really.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 06/08/2018 23:00

Why does everyone keep asking what would "he" do if he was single? He would grab some food on the way home and still go out.

What would the Op do if she was single?

I was a single parent. I went back to work as a nanny with my 2 week old baby in tow. I got us both up to go to work to look after two toddlers all day from 7am , picked up a third from playgroup in the afternoon and did the twice daily school run with two older ones at the same time. Did fun stuff and homework and fun stuff and had a meal on the table for for four at 6pm every night. And then go home with my newborn and do whatever housework or anything else I fancied after that.

The problem is the op feels resentful not that putting the meal on the table is unreasonable. I felt impowered being able to support my baby and have a fun job. It's not the "work" . Whatever makes her feel less resentful is the issue here.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/08/2018 23:02

Can you have a discussion that begins with, look at how life has changed since having DC. What can we do to make sure everyone in the family gets equal alone time, leisure time and feels lived and supported.

If he isn't receptive to that then you will know where you stand and can start making plans accordingly