Is my husband reasonable?

[Twickerhun]

My DH wants me to have dinner cooked and ready for when he gets home from work.

I’m on mat leave with a newborn and a 19 month old.

He usually gets back from work just after 6. He is out of the house at work for 12 hours a day. He wants to eat early so he can go out for a run/cycle/gym once the children are in bed.

Is it reasonable for him to expect me to have dinner cooked for him?

I bought up my son completely alone having to go back to work as a nurse when he was 6 weeks old (1980s - no year off then). I cooked myself and did EVERTHING ELSE on my own without any help at all after a 12 hour shift/nights etc.
If he can't cook a meal now and then he is pretty pathetic. Tell him to get stuffed.

Tell him to batch cook and freeze all his meals on his day off, and that you'll happily ping them in the microwave!

Compromise

the attitude of entitlement, the app that he uses like ringing a bell, the 'expecting', the 'dinner on the table

I'd tell him to download an app to find someone prepared to track him and have his dinner on the table. What an absolute cheek. Even if my OH was a SAHP... I wouldn't expect a meal on arrival home.

Or quite simply 'dream on'... it's not happening.

He's selfish and self-absorbed. What about your run/gym session?

OP, of course he is being unreasonable.

Everyone knows you go to the gym before dinner.

On a serious note, I agree with PP that you should just serve him shit dinners. He'll soon get the message.

It's that or you just put a takeaway menu on his plate for when he gets in ;)

Op, was your husband this unsupportive when you had just the one child??

If so. Why did you go on to have a second with him??

He's certainly not being reasonable but, inadvertently, has invented a new TV Cookery Challenge.

Let's call it Cook to the App!!!

Contestants have to cook a meal for about 6pm. That time may alter according to the journey being shown on their phones. The producers will, of course, intervene with things like traffic jams changing the times and sometimes the journey runs so smoothly the meal will need to be on the table for 5.55pm. And they'll add a couple of kiddies into the mix as well. A friend might phone etc., etc.

Cooking whilst following a journey on an app. Unbelievable! Crass is the gentlest of words to describe.

Petronius -

Pengwyyn - I do understand what you’re saying, but it is fairly common for women (or the SAHP) to have dinner ready if the other one is working. Its not beyond the bounds of normality. And different couples have different expectations of each other. I guess my DH expects it, but I have other expectations of him.

But I take the point that the OP feels she can’t manage dinner at the moment, so fair enough.

Zadig

Not by the looks of this thread it isn't. Perhaps it was common in the 50s?

Anyway, no, it's not beyond the bounds of normality. What IS beyond them is instructing your partner, who has just given birth and is looking after two children, to have your dinner ready so you can get in, eat it and leave. That isn't normal. It's outrageous.

Pengwyyn - I do understand what you’re saying, but it is fairly common for women (or the SAHP) to have dinner ready if the other one is working

Sure. I make dinner for my husband most every night. It is kind of 1950 in my house, we have a traditional setup.

Crucially, there is no expectation that it be ready when he arrives home from work, and crucially, he is always very appreciative of this, and crucially, if I say, I've had such a bad day I cannot possibly deal with dinner, he says, I'll pick something up.

I cannot imagine for the life of me anyone expecting me to track their movements. That is a task I'd associate with security detail. It is beyond the realms of anyone's normalcy.

RoadToRivendell

Eagle is in the open.

😂

Whoever is at home first should start the dinner. Put baby down, fill pan with water for pasta , open a jar of sauce if time is that constrained. Or open oven and throw in a couple of potatoes, grate some cheese, open tin of beans. 10 mins work. Children don't need to be seen to 24 hrs a day. They can cry for a few minutes.I used to talk the bouncer chair around the house while I cleaned a room or cooked. in the early newborn days I used a sling. It's life. As far your DH he does sound unappreciative and chauvinistic.

*take not talk obvs

Eagle is in the open.

Roger that. We're on the move.

This always amazes me. 2 people decided to have a baby.

For him, that means his life is fairly unchanged and in some ways even becomes easier. He works full time, like most people in this world, but suddenly he’s some kind of hero for it. This means he can absolve himself of all parenting responsibilities and child care, along with house work, plus he now gets to be his wife’s boss and make demands about how she should serve him and make his life even easier. He’s also free to pursue his hobbies 4 nights a week because the poor lamb works.

For her, her life changes beyond recognition. Even though she’s on maternity leave, and may return to her job, her career is likely to be effected. Whilst on maternity leave, she probably still covers some of the bills, but now, despite the leave being designed for her to recover from childbirth and look after a new born, she finds she has a new boss in her husband. She’s now expected to also look after the house, AND him, a full grown man, a father. She doesn’t get down time or nights out in the week, is lacking sleep, possibly in pain, hardly any adult company, she’s turned into an unpaid house skivvy.

Fuck that.

Why is it fair that he decided to have kids and then not take any parenting responsibility and have you run around after him? He works, like most people, he’s not some kind of hero deserving of a personal fucking maid.

Put baby down

That's your first mistake right there. When mine were newborn, they would not be put down at that time of day. It isn't called the 'witching hour' for nothing, you know. It doesn't last forever, but it's a real thing.

My DH would not have expected me to leave my babies to scream for me so that he could have his dinner on the table. He'd have told me to get on with the clusterfeeding and sorted himself and me out. Because he was a real man.

I am so over used a sling advice. I use one. It is taking some effort to get used to, and I don’t Stir hot things on the stove or open the hot oven to receive a fiery blast to the face with baby on my front , or chop onion garlic or chilli or raw meat while wearing as I always wash my hands thoroughly before touching baby after those things. I wouldn’t have a clue how to carry baby on my back and I do find chores like hanging out the washing slower as I reach around the baby I’m wearing. If they’re hungry or irritated it’s very uncomfortable with their sharp little nails clawing at my front and my breasts are tender so baby shifting and struggling hurts. Slings are great. I chucked baby in one this morning to jump on the bus to take Ds1 to nursery and strolled home via coffee and shops. They are not for many if not most people the one stop solution to getting things done at home that people say they are.

RoadToRivendell

Eagle is rounding the point and moving to base.

It isn't called the 'witching hour' for nothing

Yup. My DD used to scream like all the minions of hell were after her, for two hours straight. If my husband had done anything other than take her straight off me and rock her when he got in from work, I doubt we would be together now.

Whoever is at home first should start the dinner. Put baby down, fill pan with water for pasta , open a jar of sauce if time is that constrained

Thanks for the step-by-step.

She's on mat leave, Zadig, not a SAHP.

Does DH have any concept of how glued you are?

I feel expecting to bugger off with a full tummy to piss about riding his skateboard bicycle after you've been on duty for 12 hours is something you wouldn't do if you understood and cared.

Make him take baby for a good 12 hour stretch a few times, and he might start to get some insight.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

For those of you saying we need to talk, of course we do but at the moment when we are both tired is not the best time for a helpful conversation.

In the mean time we do eat batch cooked frozen meals or simple food. If dinner doesnt happen on time then it doesn’t happen. No one will suffer, we will eat eventually or get a takeaway. I’m Not enough of a doormat to be a slave to this plan.

He sometimes calls ahead to say he is leaving and then we will discuss if he could pick up dinner on the way home or if I’ve got something planned. On a difficult day with the baby he will pick up dinner and cook it and then if he misses the gym he misses the gym.

I may check his wearabouts on the app because it’s useful to know if he’s stuck on a train home, more so that I know when he is going to walk through the door so I can shove the children at him whilst I pour myself a glass of wine. I don’t think he expected me to follow his every move and have a three course dinner on the table ready for his exact arrival. Or if he did expect this he married the wrong person.

We had a crappy conversation which lead to my post but you don’t need to send I’m the divorce lawyers yet, in a few weeks when life is easier I’ll tell him what a dick he was for suggesting this plan in the way he did and we will come up with a more reasonable arrangement. He was thoughtless in the way he suggested it at this time and he will come to realise this :)

I hope so, OP. Personally, I think anyone who thinks this is a reasonable plan to start off with would be incompatible with me on a fundamental level, but I am not you. Good luck!

All these handmaids coming up with a myriad of ways this woman can enable this man just because he works.