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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
user139328237 · 06/08/2018 11:02

YABU.
Its one weekend not a regular commitment. Its important that both of you are able to have some time away from DD and work.

Haggisfish · 06/08/2018 11:03

Personally I think yabu. I would suggest he goes on weekend away but also books some time off to spend with you and dd.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 11:04

The issue here is his job and how little you see him rather than a one offf weekend with his family.

Cloudyapples · 06/08/2018 11:04

YABU it’s a weekend not like it’s a month

Rtmhwales · 06/08/2018 11:05

Is he going so watch the DC for an entire weekend sole care while you go out of town having some me time or catching up with friends and family? If yes, YABU. If not, YADNBU.

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2018 11:05

Yabu to veto weekends away. He's not your child, if he wants to go then its up to him. It shows you he isn't going to prioritise you or seeing his children. It's certainly indicative of his character and it's up to you what you do with this information but you can't veto him from doing anything.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2018 11:06

1 weekend away? Sorry, yabu. That's hardly anything.
As a compromise, maybe he could take the Thursday, eg, off work to spend with you all.

Baumederose · 06/08/2018 11:06

Yabu.

Cultivate a life of your own and then it won't be so lonely.

ApolloandDaphne · 06/08/2018 11:11

Yes YABU. He is working to provide for you and your DS not away having a jolly. He deserves a weekend of fun as do you if you wanted to go away friends friends or family.

I wonder if you are feeding into your DS crying and missing his DF if you are not totally on board with it? My DH worked away each week for about 5 years when my DD2 was about the same age. We spent time talking about what we would do when daddy was home and looked at pictures of him. He would call her and read stories over the phone at bedtime which she loved. This was before Skype or Facetime so now there are plenty opportunities for your DS to spend time engaging with his DF.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 11:11

Thanks everyone for your input. Happy to accept that I could be being unreasonable but it’s not really about me. I’m used to doing my own without him around. What upsets me is that it’s taking away from time he could be spending with DD, and she will most definitely be upset about it.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 06/08/2018 11:13

Sorry i referred to you having a DS and now i see you have a DD.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 11:14

Your DD wouldn't understand that DH was away enjoying himself would she?

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 11:15

Appollo

TBH I try and avoid even mentioning him to DD when he is away. We have tried Skype etc but when it’s time to say goodbye DD cries hysterically and it takes me half an hour to calm her down. Also often he is so busy when he’s out there (back to back meetings with no lunch then work dinners) there’s no opportunity to talk.

OP posts:
SquishySquirmy · 06/08/2018 11:16

I think you are probably not BU, so disagree with the majority of the posters!

One weekend away is no big deal normally.
But it IS a big deal if he is already spending most weekends away for work reasons, or if he is unable to spend a whole weekend with his wife and child without work encroaching (is this the case?)

I would be a bit hurt if dh was always too busy with work to spend a whole weekend with me, but could manage a free weekend to spend with others.
Doesn't he miss his dd?
Dh has to work away a lot, but when he comes home he spends extra time with dd and me because he misses us! Not because he "has to" but because he wants to.

I also think that spouses who work away a lot don't always appreciate how tedious it can be for the partner at home, left to do all the childcare. Its the small things that add up for me; like not being able to nip out to the shop in the evening for a bottle of milk, or go for a jog, or sit on the loo uninterrupted while someone else plays with the dc. I hate dh being away, but it is bearable because I know that when he is back he makes up for it!

DowntownDallas · 06/08/2018 11:16

and she will most definitely be upset about it

Only if you make a fuss about it. Children pick up on their parents emotions. You need to reset your attitudes to this with her. Children shouldn't be crying because their daddy is abroad with work.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 11:17

GreatDuck No but she misses him when he’s not around regardless of why he’s away. Obviously under normal circumstances one weekend away isn’t a big deal, it’s just that it will mean even more time that he isn’t spending with her.

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 06/08/2018 11:18

I find it a bit strange that you and your DD aren't included. It will be interesting to see if when the siblings have their own families things change - I'm betting they will

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 06/08/2018 11:18

As an adult, surely it’s up to him whether he decides to go away with his family or not - should he reserve all his time exclusively for you and DD or is he allowed a family life beyond the three of you? You do sound resentful of his family for not bothering with DD - but, to be blunt, no-one finds our children as fascinating/endearing/amazing as we do! Some people just aren’t that bothered with the offspring of others, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that.

If you feel he works too much and thus the relationship is suffering as a result, then that’s a separate conversation to be had. Him staying at gome for this one weekend, or going away for it, fixes nothing.

And finally, if you are lonely as a SAHM, that’s not on him. Do you not have friends? Is it not possible for you to work?

serbska · 06/08/2018 11:20

You might need to work on strategies with your DD, it isn't any good her crying for her dad multiple times a day. Are you sure you aren't feeding into her upset?

As much as it sounds shit not seeing DH so much, he isn't just your DH and DDs father. He is also a brother and his siblings don';t want to see you and DD they want to see him! having you and DD there would change the dynamic.

I think you are U to 'veto' DH maintaining family links.

ApolloandDaphne · 06/08/2018 11:20

I really think you need to try and talk about him when he is away and get you DD to a point where she can think happy, nice thoughts about him when he is gone. Maybe make up a board where she can pin photos and things relating to things they have done that were fun and things you plan to do when he is home. I know she is small but she won't always be so maybe think of something where she can start to understand when daddy will be home as she probably hasn't really got a sense of time and the fact that he will always come home? Worth trying to make this okay for her so she is not continually distressed.

SquishySquirmy · 06/08/2018 11:24

As for being unreasonable to "Veto weekends away".
op would BU if they were child free.

Are posters forgetting that op's dh has a child he is responsible for?
Its not a matter of a veto to me, more a decision of whether to enable the other partner to go away by covering all the childcare that weekend.

Most parents cannot decide that they will go away without the kids on a random weekend. Not without making arrangements for childcare first.
I can't. My Dh can't. I bet op can't either.

If her dh decides to do this, he is not just deciding how to spend his own weekend, he is automatically deciding for the op what she will be doing with her weekend too. eg, she will be solely responsible for a young child all weekend.

That's why decisions over weekends away should be made together when couples have kids.

OrchidInTheSun · 06/08/2018 11:24

I wonder if your distress is rubbing off into your DD? Because it really doesn't seem great that she's getting so distressed, particularly as I imagine this isn't going to change any time soon

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 11:25

I understand why you're feeling like this OP but I don't think it's entirely fair to say he can't go. Have you suggested that you'd like to go to?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2018 11:26

How much does he work generally?
Maybe if this lifestyle isn't working for you, you should decide together whether the, presumably higher, finances are worth it. Maybe get a 9-5 close to home.
Then one weekend away would be neither here nor there.

ColumboHere · 06/08/2018 11:26

How would she know it was a weekend or that he was away with family? Just tell her he's at work. That's what she is used to.

If the long hours are a problem for your family then you need to try and address that.