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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
pictish · 06/08/2018 12:17

“nope, imo it means 'person who lets dh do anything and ignore her and children completely so that she looks like the better person when in reality shes a doormat"”

Ignore her and children completely? It’s one weekend out of many. Like I said, perspective. Look it up.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/08/2018 12:17

Again can I emphasise, as per my original post, I am NOT preventing my husband from seeing or maintaining a relationship with his siblings. I am merely suggesting a weekend away is too long and perhaps the other siblings, who have neither children or demanding jobs, could take DH out for the night instead so as to not take away from the small amount of time he has to spend with DD

This is perfectly reasonable OP. I'm astounded that so many seem to have completely failed to understand your posts!

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 12:18

flamingo Keep some perspective. He isn’t ignoring the op or his daughter, the op herself says he is a hands on great father.

It’s one weekend. I’m texting my dad this morning about short break for just us in October and leaving h and kids at home. H came back yesterday from a holiday with his friends. There is nothing wrong with a weekend away.

Notonthestairs · 06/08/2018 12:18

My DH works away or does very long hours much of the time. So I do sympathise. But a weekend away every few months is manageable and wont harm your child, I am sure that you know that. I suspect that this really this is because you feel like his family have made enough effort with you and your child (they may well be at a different stage of life or perhaps they just arent all that interested in small children) AND it is probably because you are tired and need a break yourself.

Rather than neither of you going away why dont you plan a weekend each where you go wherever it is you want. We've always had occasional weekends away leaving the other parent in charge and its been good for both of us. He will manage just fine and so will your child.

endofthelinefinally · 06/08/2018 12:18

As long as he spends a weekend looking after dd on his own while you go away alone to visit your family I think it is fine.

Otherwise it isn't fair.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2018 12:19

Thing is there's a massive difference in the 'feeling' between a night out and a weekend away. Whenever I, or dh and I, go away for a break, the first night is just like a normal night out, but the sense of freedom an overnight, then an indulgent breakfast and knowledge that you've got the whole day again is marked. It takes about 24 hours away to really feel like a break.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 12:20

Pictish he works at least half of every weekend. So going away for a whole weekend would actually put him behind in his work and he would have to catch up, taking even more time away from DD. You seem to be deliberately misinterpreting my posts. It’s not a weekend in isolation, that would be fine. But you sound like you would be a very tolerant partner, shall I give him your number?

OP posts:
SquishySquirmy · 06/08/2018 12:21

OP ISN'T trying to stop her dh seeing his siblings? Confused
Did you miss the bit where she suggested coming along too, but the siblings didn't want that.
So if anything, the siblings are trying to see her dh exclusively without his wife and dc, but op is happy to spend time with them all.

And yes, as mentioned previously in normal circumstances it is FINE to spend the odd weekend away from your immediate family.

But it is less fine to do so when you already spend v. little time with them due to work pressures.

I do agree that this is about more than just weekend away: op could you use it to discuss with your dh that things need to change at least a little bit?
When did you last get a weekend with him?
When did you last get a weekend to yourself?
If you (hypothetically) wanted to go by yourself for a weekend with your siblings, would this be possible or would he be too busy working to look after your child?
If he can't spare time to spend with his wife and child, he doesn't really have time to spend with his siblings either. Which is very sad for him.

It is weird to expect to be joined at the hip to the person you marry, but it is not weird to want to spend time with them at all!

If you hardly see the person you are married to (especially when you have dc) it is not weird, clingy or needy to mind.

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:21

there is nothing wrong with a weekend away if he actually spends time with his wife and child - op makes it sound like he does not.

Needsmorebeans · 06/08/2018 12:22

couldnt op take dd away for a fun weekend at the same time, say to Lego land or somewhere like that? 2 year olds have very little concept of time and op would get to be the fun parent that dh is always seen as.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 12:23

flamingo Because he is working long long hours in a stressful job, that’s the real issue not a one off weekend away.

HettySunshine · 06/08/2018 12:23

I haven't read the ft so apologies if this has already been discussed.

Could he go for the weekend away and then book a few day's annual leave for the following week?

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:25

flamingo Because he is working long long hours in a stressful job, that’s the real issue not a one off weekend away

yes, of course it is, but that isn't going to change overnight is it, so in the mean time maybe he should make an effort with his wife and child?

he clearly cannot be arsed with op and Dc but can be arsed with a fun weekend away. tbh he sounds like a bit of a knob

ilovesooty · 06/08/2018 12:27

His siblings are his family too.

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:27

yep but imo not as important as his 2yo child.

NordicNobody · 06/08/2018 12:27

Mind you, there was a thread the other day by a woman whose live in partner spent so much time on his hobby that she only spent one or two weekend days a month with him, and she was called needy and clingy for minding. I don't know why some posters bother even having relationships if they don't care whether they ever see their partner or not! Wanting to spend time with your spouse and kids is pretty normal for most people!

SquishySquirmy · 06/08/2018 12:28

Would those who think the op is being unreasonable really be cool with the following scenario:

DW: Nice to have you back after being away, we've missed you. Lets spend a weekend together sometime - feels like I barely see you!

DH: I can spare you an afternoon, maybe even a day if you're lucky, but will have to work over the weekend too. I am just too busy to spend a whole weekend with you and our child in the near future, sorry that's how work is! Also, I'll be going away with work again soon.

DW: OK, I understand. I will handle all the childcare and housework while you are working.

Siblings: Weekend away!

DH: would love to!

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 12:29

flaminfo He is making an effort with his wife and child, why are you trying to twist it and make is sound like he’s an uncaring father? And from a few lines you have decided this guy is a knob?!

He just wants to go away on ONE weekend. He’s not emigrating without them.

SquishySquirmy · 06/08/2018 12:29

ilovesooty
His siblings are his family too, which is probably part of the reason op suggested all going together so he could spend time with his siblings, wife and dc. But this compromise was rejected.

timeisnotaline · 06/08/2018 12:30

His siblings are family, but not his dependant children. If he can’t spare his daughter a whole weekend then he can’t spare his siblings a whole weekend. Ditto his wife - if he can’t spare his wife who looksafter their child 24/7 time then he can’t spare his siblings time. They are all family and he has to prioritise.

That said I do wonder if you should look for resources / assistance in helping your dd cope. It sounds like she would be happier if she could accept it better.

ilovesooty · 06/08/2018 12:30

The couple knew what the demands of his work were when they chose to plan a family. His siblings didnt get any choice in the matter.

Cornishclio · 06/08/2018 12:31

Has your DH booked any annual leave to spend with you and your DD? I think I would let him go but ask that you can book something for you and your DD considering he is never home. Also remind him from time to time that children are only young for a relatively short time and in 10 years time she won't want to know him particularly if he makes no effort to spend time with him. He needs to allocate his time better.

I think resenting time he spends with his siblings and parents is not the way to go though. Why don't you take your DD away the same weekend so she has something to look forward to? Even the beach or props pig world or whatever so she has less time to worry your DH is not around.

pictish · 06/08/2018 12:32

No thanks.
You sound quite black and white in your thinking over this, in that you seem to think he is allowed to spend time with other people only when your daughter has had her perceived quota of dad’s free time. Some people will agree with you but I am of the opinion that relationships tend not to be so cut and dried and that they are susceptible to all sorts of currents, subtleties and shifts in priority according to the circumstances in the moment. To me it seems very simplistic to assume your daughter takes precedence at all times, no matter what. I think these matters are fluid and while our spouses and children will take priority overall, there will be occasions when they don’t and someone else does...even if you work away a lot.

We clearly feel and think differently on that subject so there’s not much more I can or should add to this. I think he should be allowed to go on the weekend away without being made to feel guilty for having someone else in his life other than his wife and child.

MKroundabout · 06/08/2018 12:32

How is he a “wonderful father” if he never sees his child? Hmm

ilovesooty · 06/08/2018 12:32

And none of the other partners have been invited. I imagine the siblings felt the OP was a little rude to try to change the dynamic of this one off weekend.