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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
ImAIdoot · 07/08/2018 11:54

*Wow. Just wow.

Did you explain to your spouse before you got married they were giving up the right to even a weekend away without you until they retire?

That's quite shocking.*

I guess it's different for different people. We have done this out of kindness and the will to take care of each other.

The idea of it being a right to expect weekends away alone would be laughed out of court by both of us. As a parent your time and resources exist primarily for the children and the household until the family is raised, and you get what is left over. Anything like the "me time weekend" is subject to someone doing the donkey work to make it happen, and there are legitimate questions about spending the money on yourself rather than including family, so it'd be a request (imposition really) not a right.

I guess if you are someone who feels the need to this as a rightful expectation, you marry someone who agrees.

nokidshere · 07/08/2018 11:57

Wow there are some obtuse posters on this thread.

If your husband/partner works pretty much 24/7 and is unable, too busy, or unwilling to take a whole weekend off occasionally to spend some time with his wife and daughter, then it is entirely unreasonable of him to say he is able to take a whole weekend off to spend with his siblings.

Why would you want to be married to someone who spends no time at all at home, or is working when home, but prioritises his siblings over you?

The fairest thing here would be for the dh to make sure he has at least one weekend at home a month where he isn't working. Then taking time out to do other things wouldn't cause resentment.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 12:00

We have done this out of kindness and the will to take care of each other

Do you not feel it's a kindness or taking care of each other if both of you get occasional down time and the other minds the kids whilst uou do it?

ShumpaLumpa · 07/08/2018 12:01

Focus your bullying and condescending attention on someone else. Leave me out of it.

That's rich coming from you 😂

Calm down, dear, there's a love.

ImAIdoot · 07/08/2018 12:05

Do you not feel it's a kindness or taking care of each other if both of you get occasional down time and the other minds the kids whilst uou do it?

I feel like there was a misunderstanding there. We have both treated each other to just that, that's what I was saying, and what I encouraged OP to consider.

The idea of it being something you have a right to as a grown up who has kids, no way don't agree with that. It is an act of kindness from other partner. Like cooking, sex, or letting them have any have any of the jaffa cakes.

ShumpaLumpa · 07/08/2018 12:06

DesperateHousewife

Bluntness you seem to be having difficulty grasping the issue here.

Seems to be a recurring theme.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 07/08/2018 12:07

Sorry Bluntness but the others are right. Either you haven’t read my updates, lack the mental flexibility to understand the issues or you are just a sanctimonious and belligerent bully. Perhaps you are the one who needs to get a job and some friends as you seem to have an awful lot of time to sit around on the internet trying to upset a young mother trying her best. It hasn’t worked I’m afraid. Happy to accept I’m not being reasonable but I’m not interested in engaging further in your incessant misinterpreations of my situation.

Thanks to those who have offered constructive advice and opinions on both sides of the fence!

OP posts:
lulu12345 · 07/08/2018 12:07

Can I just @ImAIdoot you sound bloody wonderful

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 12:10

I agree it's an act of kindness to allow your partner down time. Hence a one off weekend wouldn't bother me, as long as she can do the same and he'd support her.

I'm not sure of the right word, but neither my husband or I ever took issue with this, alwats supported each other to have time out and neither took the piss.

I think the issue comes in when one party has no friends or family to go and have down time with, so they expect thr other not to.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 12:11

Okdoke op. Good luck.

Mitzimaybe · 07/08/2018 12:38

To me the issue isn't "can he go on a one-off weekend away with his siblings" it's "is it reasonable for him to spend a whole weekend away with his siblings when he never, ever spends a whole weekend with his wife and child"?

No, that's not reasonable. I wouldn't veto it but I would make it 100% clear that if he can block out a work-free weekend to spend with his siblings then he can block out some work-free weekends to spend with his wife and child. Clearly he CAN, otherwise he wouldn't be going, would he. But if he WON'T then that would tell me a lot, and he could do his Disney Dad act EOW under a contact order.

Nicknacky · 07/08/2018 12:42

FFS, now we have a poster saying a dad would only be allowed to his kids under a court order because he dared to want to go away for a weekend.

Ghanagirl · 07/08/2018 13:55

@Bluntness100
You come across as smug, bullying and insecure man pleaser!
@Nickynacky if op and her partner were to spilt if DH is always working and then seeis his siblings for a long weekend when he barely spends any time with DC now, how would ever see her?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/08/2018 14:10

I don't know what's happened to Bluntness, I used to see her on a thread and more often than not agreed with her and thought her posts were reasonable. Not so much now. You sum it up well Ghanagirl.

Nicknacky · 07/08/2018 14:37

ghana why are you asking me that? Are they splitting up before this weekend away?

ferrier · 08/08/2018 00:40

Only on mn are weekends away without family obligatory, absolutely essential for the continuation of the marriage!

In 20 years I've done it about 3 times and dh never.

As op says, there are myriad ways in which her dh could share time with his siblings. Equally there are a myriad ways in which he could show her that she and their dd come first. Unfortunately he's currently showing her the exact opposite.

40isnew50 · 08/08/2018 04:32

Sorry but YABU. I wouldn't dream of 'vetoing' things for DH - he is an adult and can make his oen decisions. I don't own him. I would not be happy if he tried to veto my plans either. He is not my mother!

HappyBumbleBee · 08/08/2018 05:00

I'd be no different to you OP and I would be fuming if my Hubby had told me he was off on a jolly weekend with his brother/mates instead of spending valuable time off with his DD
If the child /children are older then maybe but when they're so young - absolutely not!
If both partners are happy with an arrangement like that /it works for them fine, but if not and one is unhappy with the situation then no. He should respect your point of view and compromise - agree to a lads night out or something.
You are both responsible for your child and your relationship. You both at times will disagree over things and have to make sacrifices for your family (partner & child) and equally have to work at it.
Once our children were older 7/8 upwards then once in a blue moon one of us would go away for weekend/overnight ie hen/stag, special occasion etc and if you had said it was for something like that then I think you'd have to accept it. But this isn't one of those times and I'd be extremely hurt if it were my Hubby!

WholeMealBaby · 08/08/2018 05:41

If that makes me a ‘cool wife’ then fine...I’m a cool wife. And thank fuck.

Mhhmmm.

pictish · 08/08/2018 07:37

Hey WholeMealBaby - that you should use my username from a parenting forum I used to frequent years ago to quote me is pretty weird. Are you some sort of creep hiding behind your screen there...like an oily wee stalker?

PirateWeasel · 08/08/2018 07:44

I don't think you can have it both ways. Either he sticks with his busy job and brings in lots of cash to give DD an easy life, or he gets a standard job and spends more time with her. As a DD I know which I would rather. But either way, his kids and wife come before siblings and should therefore get the best of his time. Everyone else gets what's left over. If there's none left over and he doesn't like that, there's his answer...he needs a new job.

WholeMealBaby · 08/08/2018 09:43

Yikes. What an awful co-incidence. My apologies if I have appeared to you like and oily wee stalker.

I chose this name today, along with another one, for one of my very frequent name changes after trying to use Carbarella and finding it was already used by someone. Or so the site said. There was a bit of a theme going on.

ShumpaLumpa · 08/08/2018 10:05

pictish

How on earth would WholeMeal know what forum you were on years go?

Fuck me people think a lot of themselves and that the world revolves around them.

NataliaOsipova · 08/08/2018 10:10

Also a bit concerned about all the sterotyping going on about SAHMs

That's Mumsnet for you......

The problem with these sorts of debates is that people speak from their own experience and think their way is the only way. I've never been for a weekend away without my children, not because I'm some sort of martyr, but because I've never wanted to. If someone else does want to, then I'd think nothing of it other than I'd hope they enjoyed themselves.

The difference here is that - as a pp has said - when you're married with small kids, one parent's choices directly have an impact on and impinge upon the other's. And that's when you both have to be in agreement for things to run smoothly. And the issue here is that if your DH goes away for the weekend, you will a) have a weekend on your own looking after a small child much like the rest of the week but more importantly b) have a distressed child to look after. And I don't think you are unreasonable to worry about the latter point. Out of interest, what has your DH said about this point?

pictish · 08/08/2018 10:52

Aye right then.

Shumpa - the forum closed and we all moved on to a facebook group. There are hundreds of us. Some of us are known regular posters on mumsnet. Not all of us get along all of the time.
Next question...or fuck right off?

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