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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:53

they should be allowed to have weekends away if they also spend time with their wife and child, however this DH does not.

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:54

Posters slating the DH saying he can't possibly be a good Dad if he spends so little working week with his wife and DC, need to think if they'd make the same judgment of a career mum? Would they?

yes, if the scenario was the same but it was DH being op and staying home and his wife not spending any time with him and the child id think exactly the same

ShumpaLumpa · 06/08/2018 12:55

It sounds like DD needs to spend more time with her dad rather than learn to cope better with his absences.

Does he ever have DD on his own? Maybe leave DD with him for a day or weekend and you go and see your friends?

Do you think the sibs are engineering this deliberately to exclude you? Or do you get along with them?

DiegoMadonna · 06/08/2018 12:56

it’s not really about me. I’m used to doing my own without him around. What upsets me is that it’s taking away from time he could be spending with DD, and she will most definitely be upset about it.

Did you read what people actually said?

I've no doubt it's hard on your daughter. But it's not the one weekend away with family that's a problem. It's the always working. Life is too short to spend every waking hour at work. I think you/he needs to address that far more than the holiday.

Ghanagirl · 06/08/2018 12:57

@manicinsomniac
But if you have children even if you love your sister more she’s able to take care of herself.
The 2year old is reliant on her parents.

Karigan198 · 06/08/2018 12:58

Yes YABU IF he’s prepared to make alternative arrangements. E.g take two days off work to spend with DD then have two days away. Replace them with alternative quality time then it won’t be an issue

Timeisslippingaway · 06/08/2018 13:00

I can't get over someone saying the love their sister more than their own kids!

Pancakeflipper · 06/08/2018 13:00

Let him go and also plan a weekend away for the 3 of you

Ghanagirl · 06/08/2018 13:03

Alonsoleftpinky
I really think it's quite alright to want to spend time with your close family on occasion as a sibling, without being attached to your spouse and children.

I honestly cannot fathom why some people are unable to do anything, or even to want to do anything, which isn't spending every second of every day with your spouse and children. It isn't healthy.

But that’s not the situation OP has described

CountFosco · 06/08/2018 13:03

YANBU. He works away all week then expects you to keep doing the childcare (your work) while he goes and has a jolly with his siblings that you're excluded from? When do you get a break? Fuck that.

So here are the choices

  1. He tells his siblings he works long hours abroad and you need a break at the weekend too so either they organise something with spouses and kids or he doesn't go.
  2. He goes but then is available for childcare the next weekend so you can have a weekend away with your family/friends without him and the weekend after that for a family weekend away. He needs to treat you with respect and not like the unpaid help.

Do you have friends or family around to give you a break when he's away? You should maybe consider getting an au pair or mother's help or regular babysitter to allow you some freedom. You're not working, living abroad and have a husband who works away a lot. You're very isolated and should do something to protect against that.

Incidentally I think it's really weird that some sibling groups exclude partners like this. Are you all very young? I can't imagine not including partners when I organised a night out with my siblings let alone a weekend away. They are part of the family and I love them as much as my siblings. I actually see one spouse more than the family member because he works away a lot so she's at family events without him.

Shampooeeee · 06/08/2018 13:05

My DH works long hours and recently had a weekend away with two of his best friends. It came right after multiple work trips abroad and meant I didn’t get a break for almost a month (also a SAHM). I was supportive because it was something he really wanted to do and with his favourite people. I wouldn’t have been supportive if it was his siblings, as he isn’t that close to them and they usually do family stuff with partners. So I guess it depends on the relationship they have.
If your DH is the only one with dc, he needs to be the one to steer them towards more family friendly activities eg a weekend away all together but then they have a siblings’ night out.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 13:06

count I’m in my 40’s and I go away with my dad a couple of times a year. H isn’t included. I’m still my own person even though I’m married with my own seperate interests.

manicinsomniac · 06/08/2018 13:08

Ghanagirl - Yes, of course! I'm not saying parents should go off and leave 2 year olds in houses by themselves to spend time with their silbings! Just that one parent is sufficient.

What's unfair is that the OP's husband is away so much. But as almost all of that is work, I don't think it should be factored into whether or not he is 'allowed' a weekend break. However, OP should definitely get one too!

Time - why not? Some people love their husband/wife more than their kids. Many people seem to love their partner more than their siblings and parents. To me that is unimaginable but I'm assured it's fine. People are just different.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/08/2018 13:12

It's one weekend, YABVU to tell him he can't go.

If he works away your DD should be used to his coming and going, if she is getting upset it's because she's picking it up from the adults in her life.

You could return to work so he can downgrade his job and be home more but I suspect you like the financial side and not working or you would have already done that so he was home more with DD.

Desmondo2016 · 06/08/2018 13:12

My first husband was never there (which was just as well as he was a complete dick). My kids idolized him too bu5 certainly were so used to him not being there it didn't upset them. I'm pretty sure at 2 if she's that upset she picking up on other vibes.

HollyGibney · 06/08/2018 13:15

You're his wife not his boss. Honestly you sound extremely controlling, who do you think you are vetoing a whole group of people's weekend away?

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 13:16

Thanks Boxsets, what took you so long?! The reasons for me working are myriad and most are not relevant to this discussion. As you will note in my previous comments my husband will not be able to leave his current job for some years, or at least it would be financially detrimental to do so. Actually my husband wouldn’t be able to do his job without my support at home. I have a PhD and a good career which I will go back to when the time is right for my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 13:16

Holly: I think I am a mother of a little girl who misses her Daddy, and whose interests are the most important thing to me.

OP posts:
ToesInWater · 06/08/2018 13:18

I think YABU about the weekend away tbh and projecting your own feelings of loneliness way too much on a 2yo BUT I totally get what it is like to be in your shoes. In the end one of the main reasons for us leaving the UK was when 6yo DS2 said "see you next weekend dad" to his dad on a Sunday night, and that wasn't even the one week a month when DH was overseas all week. I think you need to sit down as a couple and work out what your priorities are for the short/medium/long term and work together as a team to make sure everyone (including your daughter) can get what they need. Good luck x

mindutopia · 06/08/2018 13:21

My dh and I both get weekends away, but the thing is that (unless it's for work), neither of us gets to tell the other what weekend we'll be away and expect them to suck it up if it doesn't work for them. It's a matter of discussion and negotiation because it means the other has to be on hand to do all the parenting alone all weekend. If there's something going on or one of us is just on empty, then it's not going to happen. My dh's business is really busy in the summer months and he often has to work several weekends in a month. He doesn't go away on the off weekend when he isn't working. That's just how it is. I'm not available to do all the parenting every weekend (plus all week) for a month straight so that he can have a break away. Nor would it be fair if I demanded the same of him when he was burnt out and needing some down time. When we have weekends away to ourselves, we make sure we compensate by being home the other weekends and time in between so that the other parent doesn't get dumped on. It means planning time away for when work isn't so busy or alternatively, taking some days off during the week to spend family time together.

Could your dh and his siblings plan their trip for a time when work isn't so busy and he's able to be home more? Or could he take a week off or work from home, spend 5 of those days with you and your dd before he goes away for the weekend?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 06/08/2018 13:26

What Pictish said.

Your child gets upset numerous times a day regarding her father?

Take it from me that I’d not normal at all. Look up attachment theory too because the behaviour is alarming

Saying no may harm your marriage. You aren’t his keeper. He works hard and wants this downtime although I do admit it is a shame he did not offer you and your child a weekend away somewhere

It’s all about priorities I suppose

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 13:39

To clarify, DD asks for her Dad several times a day. If she hurts herself or I pull her up on some behaviour or whatever her default is crying and wanting DH. When he works from home she gets upset if she seems him but he cant stop and play because he’s busy. When he leaves the house or they say goodbye on the phone she really cries and gets very upset. Rest of her behaviour and development is normal thus far. To me it seems that she is obviously feeling very insecure in her attachment with him but I wouldn’t think it was behaviourally abnormal?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 06/08/2018 13:50

So sorry but I don't think that's normal behaviour. If he's some times been there and some times not since she was born, that would surely be her normal? It appears to me to be something that one weekend away won't affect in the slightest.

SD1978 · 06/08/2018 13:54

I'm sorry- I'm going with the you are being unreasonable. Your DD will not notice/ she's used to her father going away you don't want him to, because he already works away. I understand that- but it's one weekend with family.

SossidgeRoll · 06/08/2018 14:00

when it’s time to say goodbye DD cries hysterically and it takes me half an hour to calm her down

Poor her, and you. But kids need to develop a robust response to this kind of thing, she needs to work out that he ALWAYS COMES BACK. That's the message, not that he's leaving.

Don't guilt trip your DH and don't use your DD to do so... not saying that you have but it's an easy to slip into that as a SAHM.
Are you sure its not you saying, "I don't want you to go" or is it really all on DD?
Ultimately, YOU are the adults and you live your lives and she must accept that - that's life right?

Book YOURSELF a weekend away - or a family weekend. You only live once right? :)