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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
NordicNobody · 06/08/2018 11:49

Oh ok so this is just a short term situation then that'll change in a few years and he's on board with wanting a better work/life balance as soon as he can? That makes a difference to me. If this is an agreed upon short term sacrifice rather than a problem of him being a career/ money obsessed workaholic. In that case I would let him have his holiday but, as others have said, ask that you have a holiday as a family as well soon. Then grit your teeth and try to power through the next few years, hard as it is.

ApolloandDaphne · 06/08/2018 11:52

I don't think it is odd she misses him either. I am an old hand at this as my DD2 missed her dad too and we had to think of things to help her. DD1 was much older and understood why her dad wasn't around during the week.

gymNgin · 06/08/2018 11:54

YABU

But I can see why you would be annoyed about it.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/08/2018 11:54

He shouldn't have to forego any personal life because of the job he does, which benefits you all

And the work that the OP does looking after his child and keeping his house etc. benefits him too.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 11:55

Apollo- yes I think it’s just hard at this age. It’s also a case of “Fun Dad” syndrome...what time they do have together is intensely fun and hands on because he’s trying to make up for the absence, then in comparison the time she spends with me isn’t as exciting so he is put on a pedestal.

OP posts:
RedNed · 06/08/2018 11:55

As an adult, surely it’s up to him whether he decides to go away with his family or not - should he reserve all his time exclusively for you and DD or is he allowed a family life beyond the three of you?

Surely as a df he should want to spend time with his dw and dd Confused

I would not want my dh going away in these circs. It doesn't matter if MN think he should be allowed but if it upsets you then you two need to decide.

Men are selfish, and women tend to facilitate it. Not in my house!

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 11:57

ds who is 2 misses his dad when he goes to work purely because he doesn't see him on a morning, whereas I drop him at nursery. He sees him plenty but he still misses him and asks where he is every morning!

I don't think that's at all weird for a 2yo

arethereanyleftatall · 06/08/2018 11:58

Do either of you ever get a break from either work or childcare?

Fabricwitch · 06/08/2018 11:59

YANBU

If he wants this weekend away he needs to make up time with your daughter some other way beforehand. And offer to take her for a whole weekend while you go away with friends/family.

Gardenpicnic · 06/08/2018 12:01

I think not only are you unreasonable, but you've got no right whatsoever to dictate whether your partner can spend time with his siblings. Its 1 weekend.

^^ this. The issue is not one weekend, it's the other times you want him around.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 06/08/2018 12:01

I really think it's quite alright to want to spend time with your close family on occasion as a sibling, without being attached to your spouse and children.

I honestly cannot fathom why some people are unable to do anything, or even to want to do anything, which isn't spending every second of every day with your spouse and children. It isn't healthy.

OctaviaOctober · 06/08/2018 12:02

Exactly how much of the week is he away for?

AlonsosLeftPinky · 06/08/2018 12:03

And the whole notion of an adult being allowed or not allowed to do something is utterly bizarre.

Yes he needs to make time to spend with his partner and child. Its generally quite unusual for meetings and the like to be held at weekends so I'm sure there's plenty of opportunity there.

NewYearNewMe18 · 06/08/2018 12:03

We knew going in it would be very hard in the short term with a young family, but there’s a very strong financial incentive to stick around another few years then find a less demanding role.

To be blunt, you cant have your cake and eat it. His absences are providing you and DD with a certain lifestyle. You knew that when you opted to have a baby together.

I find it quite unfathomable that a 2yo is getting this hysterical TBH. That certainly isn't normal behaviour.

DingDongDenny · 06/08/2018 12:04

his siblings don';t want to see you and DD they want to see him!

I find this attitude really strange. Once my siblings had partners and kids I've never thought I must see them alone- you aren't welcome.

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:06

I honestly cannot fathom why some people are unable to do anything, or even to want to do anything, which isn't spending every second of every day with your spouse and children. It isn't healthy

but he's not spending any seconds of any day with them is he?

this is worlds apart from him being home every night and going away for a weekend....

MN is full of "cool wives" isn't it.

manicinsomniac · 06/08/2018 12:09

to me your wife and child who you barely see are more important than siblings

That's personal though, isn't it. Nobody is more important to me than my sister.

Siblings have been with you your entire life. They know everything about you and share your whole history. They're better than best friends. Partners and children only come along when you're already adults. The relationship isn't comparable as far as I'm concerned. I love my children to bits but they aren't my sister.

I can see that it's really important OP's husband gets to spend time with his brothers - quality time, not 2 year old time. When social time includes children, everything centres around the children. Conversation dumbs down to talking about the children and child related things, interspersed with entertaining the children. Activities become soft play and parks instead of long, late dinners. The adult social connection is much more shallow.

I know nothing about maintaining a healthy romantic relationship as I've always been single. But most of the couples I know enable their partners to have weekends out to spend time with their siblings and friends. It's only if it's a one way street that that should be a bad thing.

pictish · 06/08/2018 12:11

I’m surprised it took as long as it did for someone to pedal out the old ‘cool wives’ insult as a means to diminishing an opposing but still perfectly valid and reasonable opinion.

Cool wives in this instance translates as ‘person who respects their spouse’s right to enjoy a relationship with his family’.

It’s a single weekend away. Fucking perspective. It’s an actual thing.

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:12

wow manic do your children know that they're less important than your (presumable) adult sister?

I know nothing about maintaining a healthy romantic relationship as I've always been single

I think this speaks volumes also

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 12:12

Again can I emphasise, as per my original post, I am NOT preventing my husband from seeing or maintaining a relationship with his siblings. I am merely suggesting a weekend away is too long and perhaps the other siblings, who have neither children or demanding jobs, could take DH out for the night instead so as to not take away from the small amount of time he has to spend with DD.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:13

Cool wives in this instance translates as ‘person who respects their spouse’s right to enjoy a relationship with his family’

nope, imo it means 'person who lets dh do anything and ignore her and children completely so that she looks like the better person when in reality shes a doormat"

Timeisslippingaway · 06/08/2018 12:13

I don't think yabu. I would be pissed off by this too. Doesn't he want to spend time with his oh and daughter on his little time off. I also think they 're all pretty selfish. Why does it have to be a whole weekend? Why aren't any other family members invited? It think it's a shit idea. It doesn't matter if your daughter won't realise what he's doing, you know and he knows. Tell him to go and make sure you go and do something really fun with your DD.

Timeisslippingaway · 06/08/2018 12:16

flamingofridays
Completely agree. Why is he allowed to go and have a lovely weekend to himself alone? Because he is that main earner in the household, fuck that! While OP is at home alone with DD as usual.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/08/2018 12:16

Go with them. Then nobody misses out.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 12:17

GreatDuck I’m not invited! And they are really boring

OP posts: