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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:32

nick op has stated he works half of EVERY weekend, and having this weekend away will mean he needs to catch up and work more

to me that is hardly seeing them

im not twisting anything

I don't know hes a nob - I think he sounds like one, there Is a difference.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 12:34

flamingo And the op knew he worked those hours when they decided to have a family. She can’t use it as a stick to hit him with now.

Nousernameforme · 06/08/2018 12:35

I don't think you should allow or not allow it. You are not in charge of him you can give your input on how it would effect you and dd for that weekend but it's up to him to decide if he wants to go or not.

ilovesooty · 06/08/2018 12:35

Exactly @Nicknacky. They both knew.

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:38

nick god are you the DH?

she can, I assume she didn't know that he would spend any spare time he had elsewhere?

nokidshere · 06/08/2018 12:38

I honestly cannot fathom why some people are unable to do anything, or even to want to do anything, which isn't spending every second of every day with your spouse and children. It isn't healthy.

Except that the op isn't spending any time at all with her dh but he can find enough time to go for a weekend away with his siblings.

I would ask him to book a weekend off sometime in the near future so that you can spend some time together as a family/couple. Because clearly if he can find the time to have a weekend off for his siblings he can also find the time to book a weekend at home/away with his wife and daughter.

Lauren83 · 06/08/2018 12:38

I think you are wrong to 'veto' it, he is a grown man and it's a one off and it sounds like he works hard, it's only a weekend, my DP also works away and goes on weekends and weeks away with his friends for stag dos etc,

manicinsomniac · 06/08/2018 12:39

wow manic do your children know that they're less important than your (presumable) adult sister?

No, I shouldn't think so. We don't discuss heirachies and who loves who more. I don't imagine many people do - regardless of who would be at the top of a hypothetical list.

And what's wrong with being single?

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 12:39

MK to be fair to him he is a brilliant Dad when he’s around. He’s just very time poor, because he’s working his bollocks off to ensure her a stable financial future. Which also makes him a great Dad imo and I am very grateful for that.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:39

nothing is wrong with it, it just shows why you cant comprehend why someones wife would actually want to spend time with them

Butterymuffin · 06/08/2018 12:40

People do get to change their minds when the situation changes, actually. The reality of being, effectively, a single parent is different to the phase when you're planning a child. Of course OP gets to object!

This guy is now prioritising his siblings as well as his job over his wife and child, consistently. He's not being a good husband or father. So OP I agree and would be telling him I'd be fine with a plan like this if and when I could see how he would give more time to his family.

As for:
The relationship isn't comparable as far as I'm concerned. I love my children to bits but they aren't my sister.

manic I feel sorry for your kids. This isn't right.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 12:40

flamingo Yes you have sussed me out, clearly I am the H.

FFS.

So the h can only spend his time either at work or with his wife and child? That’s not a healthy relationship for anyone.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 06/08/2018 12:41

So he's home every weekend but caught up for part of it with paperwork, emails etc?

And you actually don't know that he won't still be responding to emails and so on whilst away with his siblings?

Have you actually told him you'd like an uninterrupted weekend as a family unit?

Tinkobell · 06/08/2018 12:41

Meh. One blooming weekend not worth getting knickers in a knot about is it? Get some mum friends in, have some drinkies and a pamper party, that's what I'd do. My DH loved his job, worked away but was on a career track ....I wouldn't have dreamed of asking him to quit. Quitting at a senior level takes bloody ages to sort out....and the grass is rarely greener. Plus not many employers are drawn to a person who says 'sorry I don't want to stop away' ....not realistic.

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 12:41

no, not at all.

I am saying he should spend time with his child before he goes off for weekends away with his siblings, or arrange some additional time off to see his daughter and wife

I have not said he should only spend time with them

Janus · 06/08/2018 12:42

If he works hard then it’s not his fault he’s away such long hours and I couldn’t, with all that hard work, begrudge him a weekend away. His siblings will one day have children, probably, and the dynamics may change then but irs not his fault he’s the first tonha e children. We all need a treat every now and then. Can you also arrange a weekend away later with some friends?

AlonsosLeftPinky · 06/08/2018 12:43

I'm most certainly no doormat. I've never been the little woman stuck at home, and never will be thanks very much. It is me who has the more active social life in our relationship, me who has been the one working away and me who has a need for a certain amount of space.

I encourage my husband to spend time with his family. I've suffered a very close and very traumatic bereavement within mine and wish to god that I'd made more time to spend with them. I'd never ever deny my husband the right, the opportunity or the enjoyment of spending time with his parents and siblings.

Gazelda · 06/08/2018 12:45

Poor guy works his bollocks off then his wife. Vetoed a weekend away he'd like to go on. I could understand if he starts to get resentful.

Poor OP who gets the drudge end of the relationship. However much a child is adored, it can be tiring and boring at times!

I think an honest convo about each parent's work/life balance is needed. And a review of his 'time off' is spent (both parties).

And I think you need to address your DD's frequent distress. It seems a bit Excessive and disproportionate.

Sisgal · 06/08/2018 12:45

You are NOT being unreasonable at all!

Ghanagirl · 06/08/2018 12:47

@DesperateHousewifeOfSW4
I haven’t read whole thread as I’m at work (will read all later) BUT I want to send some sisterly support as I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.
If you decided to take a job similar to your DH he wouldn’t be able to do his job, would he be happy to be SAHD whilst Your priorities were job first, family 2nd and him and your child last...

haribosmarties · 06/08/2018 12:48

you are probably being a little unreasonable but saying that idve vetoed it too! Id not be happy with where I was in his seeming list of priorities. It doesnt sound like he has a great work life balance.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 12:49

Thanks everyone for weighing in. I do appreciate both sides of the argument. I think what is most apparent though is that we need to work on ways to help DD cope better with his absences, some good suggestions here.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 06/08/2018 12:49

ghana His siblings are not second priority, he just wants to go on one weekend away!

manicinsomniac · 06/08/2018 12:52

nothing is wrong with it, it just shows why you cant comprehend why someones wife would actually want to spend time with them

I didn't say I couldn't comprehend that? Of course I can. I just don't think it means that either half of a couple shouldn't be able to have weekends away with other people if they want to. The other half would miss them obviously.

Tinkobell · 06/08/2018 12:53

Posters slating the DH saying he can't possibly be a good Dad if he spends so little working week with his wife and DC, need to think if they'd make the same judgment of a career mum? Would they?
For all we know at the weekends the OP's DH might bring her a cup of coffee in bed, play with the DC, fold the clothes, do the shopping, take the DC the park then be a devil in the bedroom! He might be a hero for all we know......Just at the weekends! But life's full of compromises isn't it?