Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH’s weekend away

338 replies

DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 10:58

DH is lovely and a wonderful father to our 2 year old who idolises him. However he has a very senior role, works ALL THE TIME, often abroad, and we barely see him. I am a SAHM and it is quite lonely. DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day.

Recently DH’s siblings suggested they all go abroad together for a weekend without partners. None of them have kids or demanding jobs. I vetoed it on the grounds that it would mean a long stretch for DD without seeing DH. I suggested they could all go out together for a night locally instead, or we could all do a weekend together with partners and DD included. Siblings seemed unimpressed with these alternatives and nothing has been booked.

DH disappointed and thinks I’m being unreasonable. I understand he needs some fun and time with his family but given their comparative lack of commitments I think they could compromise a bit. I also don’t feel that charitable towards his family as they’ve never bothered with DD much.

AIBU to veto the weekend away?

OP posts:
Bibesia · 06/08/2018 11:28

I think you need to talk to your DH about his work/life balance generally. If he is so busy he doesn't even have time for meals, let alone his family, it just isn't healthy. Does he really want to burn out and find himself in poor health in 10 or 15 years' time with no recollection of his daughter's childhood? Plus, he's demonstrated that he can find time for personal stuff when he really wants to, otherwise this weekend would be out of the question.

So can you say to him that you are fine with this weekend, IF he will also agree to book a week completely away from work in the near future, and commit to being at home for at least a minimum number of weekends per year in future?

flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 11:29

I don't think you are BU

he works away all the time and then he gets some time off and chooses to spend it with other people rather then his wife and child.

shit if you ask me

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 11:31

Thanks Squishy, you’ve articulated how I feel well.

I’m not “distressed” about him being away or spend all my time telling her how awful it is that he isn’t around. We have our routine, friends, classes etc and rub along fine without him. She’s just a 2 year old who loves her Dad and doesn’t understand yet why he can’t be around to play with her all day. The photo pin board etc is a great idea, thank you Apollo. As she gets older she will understand better but I don’t think it’s odd that she misses him.

Re: my loneliness etc it’s not really the issue but fwiw it’s not feasible for me to work currently for a variety of issues. My close friends are abroad where I grew up. I have friends and interests here and we keep busy during the day but the evenings are lonely. Not much I can do about that unless I get myself a boyfriend Grin

OP posts:
NordicNobody · 06/08/2018 11:33

His job sound awful. Would he consider looking for a different job? And before anyone jumps on me saying "oh yeh because it's sooo easy to change jobs Hmm" I'm just saying look, not "get a new job by next week or ltb". I'm sure if he's in a senior professional role this isn't the only job in the whole entire world that he could do. Both dp and I gave up our careers with very long hours and travel when we had children in order to earn a bit less but have more family time. I'm not saying that's possible for everyone, but would it be possible for him? Something needs to change as his job is clearly having a huge impact on you as a family.

Jaxhog · 06/08/2018 11:35

I'm in two minds here. On the one hand, it seems disappointing that he isn't prioritising his family i.e. you and DD. On the other, it IS only one weekend.

It seems a bit odd having a weekend away (abroad!) with siblings but no spouses. I've never done that with mine. What are they going to be doing?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/08/2018 11:35

I'm a bit ?? by all the support to the DH here. The real issue to me is that he should 'Daddy up' and realise that he has a family now and being a Daddy means more than bringing home the bacon.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/08/2018 11:36

I understand how you feel OP and I think most of the posters saying YABU probably don’t have a DH who works away a lot.

OllyBJolly · 06/08/2018 11:36

I think this sentence

We have our routine, friends, classes etc and rub along fine without him

contradicts this one

DD misses him terribly and cries for Daddy several times a day

That's not healthy. Your issue isn't about one weekend away, it's about what kind of family you want to be. If it's that DH works in this kind of job to enable you to be a SAHM then you both have to come up with a way to make that work. You both contribute to the family, you both get downtime, and DD feels loved and secure.

pictish · 06/08/2018 11:36

I think it’s odd that your 2 yr old dd gets so upset over missing her dad, crying several times a day and hysterically at the end of skype calls. At 2 surely she has never known any different regarding her dad’s presence...it doesn’t seem right that she isn’t just accepting the situation as the norm and shrugging it off. Plenty of parents of toddlers have intense work commitments without all this angst.
I can only imagine the sense that she has something to be upset over is coming from you. Apologies if I’m wrong about that.

RatRolyPoly · 06/08/2018 11:37

I don't think YABU! If he wants to go away for jollies like this then he needs to have a serious think about the time he's spending away at work. He has a family that he has an obligation to participate with; a child he is part responsible for raising; and a partner who has every right to expect some interaction from her spouse!

You've both agreed to sacrifice his time with your family for his career. You haven't agreed to sacrifice that time for his social life on top of already sacrificing so much for his job.

I think he needs to have a look at what he wants from life going forwards, because you can't do all the fun stuff you want to do when you're already not spending the time with your family because of your job.

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 11:39

Nordic - he has a large stake in the business so can’t really leave until it is sold. We knew going in it would be very hard in the short term with a young family, but there’s a very strong financial incentive to stick around another few years then find a less demanding role.

OP posts:
pictish · 06/08/2018 11:39

“How would she know it was a weekend or that he was away with family? Just tell her he's at work. That's what she is used to.”

This. Obviously. She’s 2. Given everything else is normal she should just accept that explanation.

manicinsomniac · 06/08/2018 11:39

If her dh decides to do this, he is not just deciding how to spend his own weekend, he is automatically deciding for the op what she will be doing with her weekend too. eg, she will be solely responsible for a young child all weekend

It's only a weekend! Do most couples really not do this for each other?

I'm solely responsible for 3 children all year round but I still have weekends away with my sister occasionally. Her husband looks after their child and my children. Sometimes he has a weekend away and my sister might bring her child to mine. Siblings are important too!

And it's much easier to do something like this when the child is 2 than wait till they are school age and need ferrying to parties, dance lessons, sports matches etc.

I think that, as long as you get time to do what you want to do on another weekend, YABU. The work is a separate and unrelated issue, I think.

BunloafAndCrumpets · 06/08/2018 11:40

This sounds really hard and I think I'd react similarly in your position. My DH works shifts so weekends off are precious.

Could he take a couple of days off in the week before and/or after going away so that DD gets some quality time with him (and you get some time off perhaps too?!)

Pippylou · 06/08/2018 11:40

And "wonderful father" contradicts ""barely see him. An infrequent visitor is always more fun...

pictish · 06/08/2018 11:41

“he works away all the time and then he gets some time off and chooses to spend it with other people rather then his wife and child.“

They are his siblings as in his close family - not just ‘other people’. They are important people I assume he loves, invests in and nurtures a relationship with. You don’t give up on your family just because you have a wife now. Fuck sake.
He is allowed to want to see his family.

Annamadrigal · 06/08/2018 11:43

Really bizarre responses here in my opinion! I do think your DH needs to prioritise his own family over a weekend away with siblings. People saying you need to manage your DD from being upset because DH wants a weekend away- as if he is a single man with no responsibilities! My DH works long shifts, overtime, weekends and I'd be pissed off for the kids if he hadn't seen the kids for a week then fucked off for a weekend away.

Yes he is an adult and can do as he pleases- shouldn't his role as a father be more important?

Original poster
DesperateHousewifeOfSW4 · 06/08/2018 11:44

As mentioned in the original post, I’m not saying he can’t see his family! Just that perhaps it could be done in such a way as it doesn’t take away from time spent with DD.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 06/08/2018 11:44

to me your wife and child who you barely see are more important than siblings.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/08/2018 11:44

I understand how you feel OP and I think most of the posters saying YABU probably don’t have a DH who works away a lot

Or maybe they do and they prefer it that way as long as the money comes in.

Tinkobell · 06/08/2018 11:45

I think I'd let him have his weekend OP. I do sympathise with your situation. My DH was away for years Monday-Friday with his work and I effectively singlehandedly raised 2 now happy teenage children. He was in Finland, Holland and Ipswich ....we live in London. Having been through it, my advice to you is throw yourself fully into it. Make tonnes of mummy friends, pay for childcare breaks, try and stop feeling sorry and lonely..,,,you've just got to get into it. Visit family, do stuff, plan a full and happy week. Just tell him not to make his boy weekends a habit!

pictish · 06/08/2018 11:45

“People saying you need to manage your DD from being upset because DH wants a weekend away- as if he is a single man with no responsibilities!”

Or as if he is a brother or a friend or a son or any other role a man might have outside of being a father and husband?
Good grief!

Thebluedog · 06/08/2018 11:47

In the nicest possible way I think YABU. It’s his family and everyone deserves a break. Even you OP.

I think I’d sit down and discuss all this with him and look at finding a solution.

Firstly I think you need to look at coping strategies for your dd. Can you talk to a gp to get referred to some classes to help. My dd has attachement issues due to being adopted (totally different I know), but I’ve beem on some really good parenting courses that help with this.

You then need to talk to your dh about his job, could he look at getting another that will give him more time with you and dd? Something less senior? Somethings are more important than money.

Also you need time for yourself too, make friends, gym, hobbies etc

Tinkobell · 06/08/2018 11:48

....get something back in return girl....a bloody holiday or something! Don't miss a trick like that fgs, it's on a plate isn't it?!!

AlonsosLeftPinky · 06/08/2018 11:49

I think not only are you unreasonable, but you've got no right whatsoever to dictate whether your partner can spend time with his siblings. Its 1 weekend.

He shouldn't have to forego any personal life because of the job he does, which benefits you all.