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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are hosting you should pick up the cost

229 replies

Happysunshine1992 · 05/08/2018 23:10

Is anyone else suprised by the amount of people who host celebrations either at their home or out at a venue and do not pick up the tab for their guests. We frequently host various events birthdays, BBQ's throughout the year and would never dream of telling our guests to bring their own drink/food.

We also always put money behind the bar or preorder drinks when hosting at a bar/club. AIBU to think if you can't afford to pay you should forgo the party or invite less people?

I was always taught by my parents that if you are hosting, your guests should not have to put their hands in their pocket at all. Is it just me that thinks this way or have times changed??

OP posts:
Getfitmumma · 06/08/2018 12:50

OP YANBU however we are having a party soon and for the first time ever I will be only buying people one drink. For years I have paid for all the drink in a hall or paid the bar tab, it was thousands at our wedding and I have not been to anything in the last 5 years at least whereby I haven't had to pay for myself or bring something so I have had enough. It's really bothered me as I hate that people have to buy a drink to celebrate with us but I just feel a bit taken the piss off.

To make things worse, my Husband just had a significant birthday (no party though) and with the exception of my parents, nobody bought him a single gift and hardly anybody sent a card yet recently almost everyone or their children have had significant birthday and we have bought nice gifts over £40 at least.

LostNAlone · 06/08/2018 12:57

I think it depends entirely on the event and whether or not people are aware beforehand if they are expected to contribute. Weve held bbqs and parties that are "bring a plate" parties as well as ones weve sole funded, but guests are always aware beforehand. I think terminology plays a part too.

My friends asked if they could "take me out for lunch for my bday" and here i assumed they would pay.. but i was given my cut of the bill.. if theyd said "do you want to go for lunch for your birthday" i would have expected to pay..

MaisyPops · 06/08/2018 13:26

PortSouth
She is just being cheap and rude there. She is dining out on others and contributes nothing.

PortSouth · 06/08/2018 13:47

Maisypops yes I agree with you that she's being cheap and rude. I also think she's being a con artist because she likes to collect friends who are trades people for the sole purpose of getting cheap or free jobs. She embarrasses people into giving her freebies by putting on 'the poor single parent' act which is disgusting. A beautician friend of ours was owed £80 which was paid over 6 months.

She is quite clever about it, she'll ask them to come to the house by saying she can't get childcare for her children. Get them to do the job and then say she can't afford the full cost so would they take £20 this week. That's deceitful imo.

MaisyPops · 06/08/2018 16:06

Now that is a seriously cheeky fucker.

If only people like the OP (and others on here) spent more time being irritated by those types of people instead of being appalled that they might have to buy a glass of wine for themselves during a social occasion or refusing to attend a BBQ because their friend asked everyone to bring some meat for it or some sides.

crispysausagerolls · 06/08/2018 16:16

OP I completely agree with you. Would also never attend a function empty-handed.

ILoveDolly · 06/08/2018 16:18

There are different types of parties. It's obviously important to let guests know in advance what kind of get together it is, and if/what to bring if you are planning a bring and share. We often get invited to garden parties in the summer which are bring and share because it is very expensive to host a big party and it is nice to get together with your friends but not everyone will be able to reciprocate an invitation so why not all bring something?
We had a big birthday party last year where we provided all the food and drink but that was more of a special occasion. Likewise a wedding you might expect a few free drinks and food provided but to pay at the bar for extras.
If you are saying you regularly attend fully catered events then you are either very careless about your friends finances or a fantasist. Are you hosting large fully catered events for all your friends several times a year? I doubt it.

Toastedstrudel · 06/08/2018 16:36

I always expect to contribute food/drink or buy my own at the venue. What really grinds my gears is when a ‘friend’ of the host comes around collecting contributions. We had been invited to a bbq and brought salads and dessert as well as alcohol. A woman came round with a bucket asking for cash to help the host and I didn’t donate (honestly didn’t have cash on me) and was given the dirtiest look and then was whispered about. Pretty sure the host didn’t authorise this collection anyway.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2018 18:33

The comments on this thread are getting a bit too pointed and personal for my liking and it's spoiling what's an interesting thread.

I don't see anybody saying, "You MUST do this or that", just them saying that "I would do this or that and I wouldn't do this or that for x, y, z reason".

It's the people accusing other posters of telling them what to do (when they aren't at all) that make this thread rather pointless. Nobody cares what you do, get on with it and perhaps stop trying to justify yourselves by having a pop at other people who do things differently and give their reasons for that. That's allowed.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 06/08/2018 20:04

Birthday,and you pay for your own meal Plus friends in restaurant. That’s appalling. Frankly on those rules I’d tell no fucker when it was my birthday
Where I’m from,On a birthday the friends pay for the restaurant. Always

chestylarue52 · 07/08/2018 07:00

To my mind you just contact the host before any event and say, what can I bring, wine, a pudding, a dish?

Then you bring whatever they ask you to. And if what they’ve asked you to bring horrifies you, just don’t go?

Trazey · 07/08/2018 07:11

We're very, very wealthy Hmm and once a year have a party at our house. Pot luck with booze supplied by us. Most guests bring a bottle anyway.

It's a beneficial get together for all.

Is that OK, @OP?

If we were hosting something like a christening or birthday party then guests aren't expected to contribute.

Is that OK, @OP?

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 07/08/2018 07:14

YANBU. I hate being asked to bring a dish. I'd lay on everything if I was hosting. I hate pissing around making a bloody potato salad to keep me company on the drive there. Being told what kind of dish to bring is especially rude in my opinion e.g. "You're bringing cheese and biscuits"

NotBuiltForThisWorld · 07/08/2018 07:14

I am an antisocial bastard though Grin

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews · 07/08/2018 07:21

In our group of friends we would provide the food and soft drinks. Guests (including us visiting them) bring their own alcohol if they want to drink plus usually something else to throw on the BBQ. We are all happy with this arrangement. If someone is cooking we usually ask if we can bring something, like salad or pudding. Also BYOB.

It is nice and polite to cater (pay) for all your guests but sometimes logistically it makes sense for one or two of the couples to host more in a wider group of friends. I don't think that would be fair on them. My poor mum was upset the other day as I asked her what she wanted to do for a milestone birthday. She wanted a small meal at a local restaurant for her close family but said she couldn't afford to pay for anyone. This makes me sad (I've also said leave it to me, I'll set expectations at point of invite).

If it works I don't see how it matters what the arrangement is between a close group of people.

Mayflymaynot · 07/08/2018 18:02

I throw loads of parties bbqs etc. I always expect to pay, but if a guest offers to bring something i ask them to bring a bottle or something ive forgotten (ie salad/a pudd). My friends and fam are really generous wonderful peeps so its never an issue either way.

MrsPeel · 07/08/2018 18:04

I think it quite accceptable to ask guests to "bring a bottle" and even a dish if it is explicitly a "pot luck dinner". Where I draw the line is hosting a dinner party but asking people to pay for their meal as a neighbour of mine did.

KirstiiieA · 07/08/2018 18:06

We will cover all costs on food and usually get some soft drinks but ask people to bring the alcohol they’re drinking as people have such mixed tastes that we would be buying loads.

We often have wine, spirits and lager in the house ready for a social event such as a bbq and let guests know this but ask them to bring their own too as they may not enjoy what we have.

Each to their own I say :)

Justanotheruser01 · 07/08/2018 18:09

Id rather contribute a little and all have a great night.
At my wedding i didnt even pay for a toast drink literally just one whilst photos was being taken, a bar would have cost thousands. Would i rather if i was a guest there to get a few drinks and the host not get a honeymoon or wear my big girl pants and buy a gandt and they get a honeymoon? Ill buy myself a drink! And i have zero regrets!

Notmany · 07/08/2018 18:15

The concept of a Jacob's join or fuddle as a party where you bring your own is well establish in the parts of the country where I've lived. Nowt wrong with It!

Oblomov18 · 07/08/2018 18:21

I agree with OP. Only host if you can afford it.

Saying that, I've never ever been to a bbq/party where I haven't taken at least a bottle of wine and offered to make a salad/curry/lasagne.

Yb23487643 · 07/08/2018 18:22

The best parties I’ve had are where everyone brings something, prep gets shared as does cost & tidying up. Suppose that’s when people are friends rather than “guests”

SweetheartNeckline · 07/08/2018 18:28

We do a mixture. As we have a large family home we are often the ones to host and we couldn't afford it every time. Often I'll do a buffet, cakes or simple lunch for 10 or so friends plus kids but sometimes it'll be a fuddle or we'll have people round and split costs of a takeaway. It depends on friendship group whether it all evens out or not - in ours it wouldn't so we improvise!

Birthday meals etc we all pay for ourselves. Parties and weddings would have a cash bar but buffet / meals provided. We are between 29-34 if that makes difference.

My mum and dad usually host us for Sunday dinner but often we will pay for a chinese instead to give my mum a day off! I try to take pudding or a bottle (of Schloer) if I'm not taking flowers.

Bramble71 · 07/08/2018 18:31

If we were out somewhere, I'd maybe pay for the meal and wine on the table, but after that I'd expect guests to pay for the rest of their drinks. I certainly couldn't afford to pay all night! How many people could!

If in my home, I'd only ask people to bring a bottle. I've always paid for all the food and a fair few bottles of wine/beer/spirits, but it always helps to have that wider selection that guests bring, particularly if the guest in question is a bit choosy.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 07/08/2018 18:32

I'd rather see all my friends than just the ones with cash.
[meh]

In the states (where we are super terrible and grabby or so I keep reading on MN) we have potluck dinners and picnics and you gets loads of great home cooked food and no one has to martyr themselves making it all alone and you can actually see your friends.