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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have told my son to leave my house and never come back.

227 replies

solopam · 05/08/2018 14:13

My son recently turned 16 and I have never really had any bother from him apart from general teenage strops etc but this weekend he has really pushed me to my limit

sorry for long winded but alot has happened

He broke up with his girlfriend last week im not sure of the reasons as he wouldnt tell me, early Friday morning i was woken up with the front door closing when I went to investigate it was my son, I thought he was coming in even although he had been in his bedroom when I had gone to bed, I looked out and saw a girl (not his ex) leaving our garden so then realised the door had been opened for her to leave rather than for him to come in. I asked him what was going on but he told me it was none of my business and went to his room.

Later on I asked him again who the girl was and why she had been in our house until that time in the morning and reminded him that he was not allowed to have girls staying over, he got angry and told me to stay out of his business and stormed out. I called his father (we are separated) he said he would speak to him.

Son came home that evening and half heartedly apologised I told him that it was not to happen again and as far as I was concerned that was it forgot about.

Yesterday afternoon son came in with ex girlfriend and they told me they have got back together, I was pleased as shes a really nice girl and there has never been any issues between them apart from breaking up last week (I still don’t know why) they spent the afternoon in my house and then they went out for the evening.

I went to bed and woke up at 2am and could hear them having sex it was really loud they were literally making no attempt to to hide it, I knocked on his door and they went quiet and my son shouted 2 mins and then opens his door and all I could smell was alcohol from him, I asked him what was going on but he could barley string a sentence together he just kept laughing, the girl who was with him was not his girlfriend, I told her to leave and told my son to get to bed as I didnt think there was any point speaking to him the state he was in. I sat up the rest of the night worried because of how drunk he was. the girl that was in his room I am sure wasn’t the girl who had left on Friday morning and its not his girlfriend.

I woke my son up this morning and asked him what the hell he thought he was playing at he got angry and I got angry and I ended up telling him to get out and not come back, I called his father but be basically cant see the problem with whats happened he just thinks that he’s a teenager and is bound to get drunk and sleep with girls and that I was wrong to throw him out

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/08/2018 14:16

He has been very disrespectful. But I think 'never come back' is very harsh on a boy who has never previously behaved like this.

Sciurus83 · 05/08/2018 14:19

Be careful, you might just get what you wish for

Lynne1Cat · 05/08/2018 14:20

He's 16, he thinks he's a man but is still a child. Still your child, your responsibility. You can't simply throw him out! Where do you think he'll go? Ring him, get him home, have a proper conversation with him, lay down some proper rules, tell him he cannot have any girls in your home for sex. If he IS having sex elsewhere, get him some condoms - the last thing you need is a teenage pregnancy.

Tell him he can have a few cans of beer on a specific evening, when you are there, and no more (where does he get the money from?)

Mum of 2 (now in their 30s) sons, granny to 2 granddaughters

ShackUp · 05/08/2018 14:21

I think he's made a mistake and been unkind to the girls, but I probably would have handled things differently.

Time for a quiet, measured chat about ground rules and expectations, and what will happen if these are broken.

KM99 · 05/08/2018 14:22

He's being entirely disrespectful of the rules in your house, so YANBU to be angry. It's also alarming he's only 16 and playing around like this.

However, I don't think you are going to get anywhere by being angry with him. Especially if this is not typical behaviour. What else is going on in his life right now? Could he be having issues with friends/school/work?

I would be sitting him down to reinforce that you love him but you are both worried about his actions and upset he is showing you so little respect. Maybe a few questions to try and understand what's going on.

His Father's attitude stinks tbh. Your son appears to be treating his girlfriend with zero respect and he also runs the risk of any number of consequences such as STDs or pregnancy. He certainly doesn't sound mature enough to be having sex.

I don't think he needs angry ultimatums right now. He needs a firm, consistent and calm hand to help him.

middleagedalready · 05/08/2018 14:23

It's not okay for him to bring girls back to your house against the house rules and he needs consequences. At just turned 16 he is pretty young for this behaviour. Throwing him out forever seems a drastic over reaction on your part. Where is he going to live? Is he still at school or college? You may need to walk back what you said during the row and work out a behaviour contract that both you and your son can live with.

SaucyJack · 05/08/2018 14:23

What’s his Dad like? If he’s a better parent than you, then you’ve probably done your son a favour by sending him off to his Dad’s house.

Ridiculous overreaction.

HolyMountain · 05/08/2018 14:23

I'd not have told him never to come back.

I have young adult sons' and I can understand how angry you must be feeling at his behaviour but I think you were wrong to say that to him.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 05/08/2018 14:23

Turfing a sixteen year old girl out at 2am wasn't very good, was it Hmm

He's been a bit of a shit and disrespectful yes. But 'never come back'?

OTT. And if you carry on like this I don't blame him if he doesn't.

Userplusnumbers · 05/08/2018 14:23

So your previously well behaved 16 year old child has had a bad week, behaved in a general teenage way, and you have asked him to leave for ever?

YABU - but honestly, if you over react to ever ut ing like this, he may be better off out of that environment (equally, his over reaction to a teenage break up is clearly learned behaviour from you.. Dramatic much?)

Phosphorus · 05/08/2018 14:24

Where did the young girl go when you threw her out at 2am!?

I do think you are overreacting. At 16, he may just leave.

What about school, exams etc?

You'd throw all that away because he screwed mildly at 16.

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/08/2018 14:24

I'm a believer in 'my house, my rules' , you have your boundaries and he is deliberately and wilfully crossing them each and every time.

You and the Ex need to be singing from the same hymn sheet here. I wouldn't want to wake up to strangers over my breakfast table either. your home is your safe place and if Dad thinks it's all oh-so-laddish, then he can put up with it.

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/08/2018 14:26

Presumably these girls are about his age (so roughly 15-17) WTF are their parents if they are out all night ?

HarrietKettleWasHere · 05/08/2018 14:27

Maybe she told her parents she was staying at a mate's?! Hardly unprecedented at that age.

FASH84 · 05/08/2018 14:27

His behaviour is disrespectful, to the young women as much as anything else but given this is very recent and he's been fine before now should you not be more concerned about what's changed? You're not wrong to reinforce house rules and talk to him about what the hell he is playing at, but instead you've kicked him out. Massive overreaction

SchrodingersMeowth · 05/08/2018 14:28

YAB really U! He’s obviously struggling with something at the moment and you’re really going to regret this because he might just see it as you not giving a shit (he won’t think he’s been as U as you do) and do as you say and not come back.

How would you feel if he came back to your door in 6 months, dirty and addicted to something or other, picked up from living in homeless accommodation with other troubled people who have found x, y or z as an escape?

You’re a parent and he is still a child, parent him and don’t take the lazy way out.

I remember at that age we always knew people who were being kicked out all the time and even the kids at that age think badly of parents who do this.

Userplusnumbers · 05/08/2018 14:29

I'm a believer in 'my house, my rules' , you have your boundaries and he is deliberately and wilfully crossing them each and every time

Or two days in a row, after 16 years of not doing so, according to the OP.

eggncress · 05/08/2018 14:30

I think you are being too harsh to tell him not to come back.
Can he go to his dad’s?

I think you flew off the handle a bit even though I agree he was disrespectful.
I would have allowed the situation to blow over and address it in a one to one chat when you’re both calmer.

You asked the girl to leave at 2am ish... she was probably drunk therefore vulnerable. Did she get home safely?

SchrodingersMeowth · 05/08/2018 14:30

Okay I see he’s going to his Dad’s house. Probably better off tbh.

Bombardier25966 · 05/08/2018 14:31

He was out of order but your reaction was over the top. Do you have issues with your ex/ other men that you're now taking out on your son?

titchy · 05/08/2018 14:32

What everyone else said. And if this happens again DO NOT EVER KICK OUT A 15/16/17 YEAR OLD GIRL ONTO THE STREET AT 2AM. That is unbelievably cruel. Anything could have happened to her. Maybe it has.

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/08/2018 14:32

Projection that the girl was drunk - lets hope she was able to give informed consent, aye?

Mari50 · 05/08/2018 14:33

My son recently turned 16 and I have never really had any bother from him apart from general teenage strops etc but this weekend he has really pushed me to my limit
Based on this yes I think YABU to kick a 16 year old out of his home because he got drunk and had sex.
His behaviour was inconsiderate and disrespectful but doesn’t warrant your reaction.

AlonsoTigerHeart · 05/08/2018 14:34

Hope the girl got home ok...

InfiniteVariety · 05/08/2018 14:36

He has been very disrespectful but you have massively overreacted by telling him not to come back! If he is 16 he must be still (or very recently) a schoolboy? You are his parent and he needs a more measured response from you.

You surely don't really mean it when you tell him not to come back? As a PP has said, be careful what you wish for....

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