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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have told my son to leave my house and never come back.

227 replies

solopam · 05/08/2018 14:13

My son recently turned 16 and I have never really had any bother from him apart from general teenage strops etc but this weekend he has really pushed me to my limit

sorry for long winded but alot has happened

He broke up with his girlfriend last week im not sure of the reasons as he wouldnt tell me, early Friday morning i was woken up with the front door closing when I went to investigate it was my son, I thought he was coming in even although he had been in his bedroom when I had gone to bed, I looked out and saw a girl (not his ex) leaving our garden so then realised the door had been opened for her to leave rather than for him to come in. I asked him what was going on but he told me it was none of my business and went to his room.

Later on I asked him again who the girl was and why she had been in our house until that time in the morning and reminded him that he was not allowed to have girls staying over, he got angry and told me to stay out of his business and stormed out. I called his father (we are separated) he said he would speak to him.

Son came home that evening and half heartedly apologised I told him that it was not to happen again and as far as I was concerned that was it forgot about.

Yesterday afternoon son came in with ex girlfriend and they told me they have got back together, I was pleased as shes a really nice girl and there has never been any issues between them apart from breaking up last week (I still don’t know why) they spent the afternoon in my house and then they went out for the evening.

I went to bed and woke up at 2am and could hear them having sex it was really loud they were literally making no attempt to to hide it, I knocked on his door and they went quiet and my son shouted 2 mins and then opens his door and all I could smell was alcohol from him, I asked him what was going on but he could barley string a sentence together he just kept laughing, the girl who was with him was not his girlfriend, I told her to leave and told my son to get to bed as I didnt think there was any point speaking to him the state he was in. I sat up the rest of the night worried because of how drunk he was. the girl that was in his room I am sure wasn’t the girl who had left on Friday morning and its not his girlfriend.

I woke my son up this morning and asked him what the hell he thought he was playing at he got angry and I got angry and I ended up telling him to get out and not come back, I called his father but be basically cant see the problem with whats happened he just thinks that he’s a teenager and is bound to get drunk and sleep with girls and that I was wrong to throw him out

OP posts:

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 05/08/2018 16:02

OP's house, OP's rules.

I hate hearing this. Your house is also your children's home. You know, the ones that you brought into your house.

TotHappy · 05/08/2018 16:04

I'm appalled at the number of people saying this is normal16 yo behaviour. It's not a lifestyle choice to treat women as disposable items, use once then replace... It's not a lifestyle choice to be in a relationship but shag other people... It's wrong. It's not 'horses for courses, whatever works for you - it's WRONG. And I'd be telling any child of mine so, though I agree it would be better to tell him in a supportive,measured, sympathetic, clear way. But I can see why op reacted as she did.

Freshfeelings · 05/08/2018 16:05

I can't believe you knocked on the door while they were having sex (unless you have other children in the house who could hear it).

I think you need to have a chat with him about your boundaries and definitely, DEFINITELY about protection and informed consent. If you go into this just trying to stop the sex or enforce monogamy based on your own moral code then you could end up with a son who's a dad or on charges of rape.

Rudgie47 · 05/08/2018 16:06

At the end of the day is her house and I wouldnt want my house being used as a kids knocking shop either.
I'd be talking to him about whats going on for him and the risk of STDs and pregnancies etc. Last thing anyone needs is loads of young girls getting pregnant by him and all the problems resulting from that.
I'd let him go to his Dads for a break and when he returns go through ground rules with him.

DotForShort · 05/08/2018 16:11

What do you mean when you say, “I am definitely in no way happy at the way my son has treated these girls”? How has he treated them?

I think YWBVU to kick your son out and especially to tell him never to come back. Of course it is understandable that we all say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. A calm conversation with your son about house rules seems appropriate. But telling him to leave and not return? Way OTT under the circumstances.

MotherofTerriers · 05/08/2018 16:11

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable. You have already reminded him that he isn't allowed to have girls staying over and that's obviously gone in one ear and out the other. A couple of weeks at his dads will do him no harm, and will demonstrate that you really do mean what you say.
When he asks to come back, point out that if he wants to be treated like an adult he has to behave like one. How would he like it if you brought a different man home every night and had noisy drunk sex?
"House rules" are about courtesy and respect for the people you share space with.

safetyfreak · 05/08/2018 16:13

Is this really normal 16 year old behaviour? to me he is showing no kindness or respect towards women, aka his girlfriend.

He is also using his mother house as a shagging pad. I would blow my top if my teenager was doing that. I tell him to get his own place too if he wanted to behave in that manner.

WhoWants2Know · 05/08/2018 16:19

I think I would have started off by taking him to an STD clinic.

Dumela · 05/08/2018 16:19

You did exactly what I believe is was the right think to do. He is 16 not 18. Why do people ponder to their children.? That is the trouble with today's liberties. Too much of it.

Uzicorn · 05/08/2018 16:25

What do you mean when you say, “I am definitely in no way happy at the way my son has treated these girls”? How has he treated them?

He's shagged 3 girls in 3 days. It's very unlikely his GF knows about the other 2 girls. I would be appalled if this was my son. OP has the right to be upset with it all happening under her roof.

colditz · 05/08/2018 16:26

Have you ever for a second stoipped to think about WHY we have rules for teenagers?

It's for their best interest, and to keep them safe.

What part of throwing a 16 year old out in the middle of the night and telling him to never come back as a reaction to normal teenaged behaviour is going to keep HIM safe, or is in HIS best interests?

You have behaved in a stupid and selfish way.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 05/08/2018 16:37

I don't think that you are a bad parent, if this is the first time he has played up you are doing a much better job than me.

16 year olds do stupid things that make you over react and you have done so. He was in the wrong and he needs to know that but I think you need to start the conversation with an apology to him for getting it wrong. I think we set a great example by acknowledging our mistakes and apologising

RebelRogue · 05/08/2018 16:38

YANBU to be furious. He showed complete disregard towards his gf,you,your home,possibly the other two girls and himself really. A trip to an STD clinic is definitely in order for everyone's sake.

YABU to still want him out once you calm down. If you disapprove of his behaviour you need to work with him to understand why his behaviour is not ok.

His dad is either minimising this because he doesn't want to have him or he actually thinks it's no big deal so he won't do anything to discourage him from doing it again or worse encourage/praise this kind of behaviour.

If you want your sob to change,it looks like it's up to you..

firemansambogoff · 05/08/2018 16:40

If you go into this just trying to stop the sex or enforce monogamy based on your own moral code then you could end up with a son who's a dad or on charges of rape

Sorry what? Men rape because why, according to you?

Mari50 · 05/08/2018 16:51

I told him to leave and not come back in the heat of the moment, I didn't mean it
Not much point in the AIBU then is there?

Dragongirl10 · 05/08/2018 16:58

Op the thing that comes across is palming the problem off on your ex....don't htreaten with his father...He lives with you so YOU sit him down and calmly and firmly discuss his behavior, your expectations, issues of consent, pregnancy etc.

He wants to behave like a grown up fine,
take him to sit in an abortion clinic for an hour,
make him babysit for a couple of hours,
show him STD facts,
show him incidences of boys his age being prosecuted for underage sex with a minor and the consequences.

You get the gist, don't lose your temper, just be factual and REALLY educate him......also tell him you want to protect him and his future as well as the girls he wants to have sex with, talk about THEIR feelings too......l feel for you, good luck.

longwayoff · 05/08/2018 16:59

He's just done his exams, pretty much all 16 year olds are reacting in one way or another right now. You'll be very sorry if you allow his loutish new behaviour to derail your relationship. Apologise to him for over reacting and tell him how worried you are as its so out of character etc. MAKE UP with him. Tell him no more overnighters and excessive boozing. And thats no way, to treat a woman, mum; tell your son the same.

IrmaFayLear · 05/08/2018 17:08

I can’t believe the posters on here.

Would you approve of your dds bringing home random blokes for a shag?

These girls could be disease-ridden, thieves, drug addicts... or just young women who have no shame about going home to someone’s parent’s house and embarrassing themselves.

I have a teenage ds. He has his moments but I would think he’d gone mad if he did this.

MorrisZapp · 05/08/2018 17:21

I've got liberal parents and am pretty laid back myself but really, sixteen year olds bringing multiple one night stands home? Surely this is not on any way the norm?

pictish · 05/08/2018 17:25

No...it’s not on...but wanting to have sex/actually having sex, is!

We have to guide them in what is appropriate, not do our nut and throw them out!

ittakes2 · 05/08/2018 17:31

While his behaviour is not ok - he’s 16 - he is not an adult yet so you can not expect he will behave like one. You said yourself he is normally well behaved - so obviously something has happened for his behavior to change so dramatically. You have no idea what has happened - and yet you have basically made him feel like he can’t live with you anymore. It’s unusual for people to become suddenly so promiscuous without a trigger. Maybe he has been sexually assaulted and is trying to convince himself of something by being so sexually active. And for asking a girl to leave in the middle of the night without making sure she got home safely is pretty bad.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/08/2018 17:34

OP's explained she didn't throw the girl out on her own, she arranged a lift for herself from what appeared to be a family member. It's all very well to have a go for what she did if you disagree with it, but it's not all very well to have a go for something she might have done, but has already said she didn't.

RebelRogue · 05/08/2018 17:50

@IrmaFayLear never realised what dangerous fiends teenage girls are.

ImAIdoot · 05/08/2018 17:59

While his behaviour is not ok - he’s 16 - he is not an adult yet so you can not expect he will behave like one.

This. Teenage boys are often a maelstrom of lust and hormones who left to themselves are going to have sex just as much as girls want them to, and teenagers have not really developed judgment yet. They need to be taught judgment, brought down to earth and reminded constantly to stay safe, by loving adult guidance over time. Chucking them out for their teenage silliness to play out goodness knows where, in random circumstances is asking for problems.

colditz · 05/08/2018 18:00

I have a fifteen year old, and if he was bringing home multiple girls to have sex , I'd sit down in his bedroom and talk to whoever was there about safe sex, pregnancy and stds. Every time.

Because a couple of times doing that and there's no fucking way he'd bring another one home!

Of course, if he wanted to introduce these girls to be first, I'd have no need to just interrupt.

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