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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to send an email at 4am?

293 replies

FrazzledRockRed · 05/08/2018 11:30

The Dj at my wedding shouted at me two days before my wedding. I had emailed a list of ‘must play’ songs. I sent it st 4am as I was awake, stressed etc.

The next day he sent DH a text saying ‘keep your wife under control and not disturbing me in the middle of the night’

Just to clarify, it was not a text, it was an email.

I can only assume he put some sort of notification ping for messages from us, because we were the next job he was doing. It really upset me to be treated like that. It’s not my fault he can’t manage his notifications or groupon and all sorts of spam would keep him up Day and night.

OP posts:
Sweetcarrielynne · 05/08/2018 12:28

It's his decision to have email notifications on - so he was being VVVVVU to tell you off! And in such a misogynistic way. It's not the fault of normal, technologically competent people that there are idiots who don't know how to turn of email communications and think that they have a right to be so rude as a consequence.

yes a 4am email is extremely rude and inconsiderate, and would be a disciplinary offense at my place of work

I struggle to believe this as it's so ludicrous. The point of emails is they can be sent any time, and if anybody doesn't understand that then they have failed to understand the nature of modern communication and technology.

Bibesia · 05/08/2018 12:28

A wedding DH who told my fiancé to keep me under control would get the sack immediately. Too bad if you couldn't get anyone else, it's easy enough to sort out an iTunes mix or something similar. I hope you've at least left a very honest Google review?

Bibesia · 05/08/2018 12:30

yes a 4am email is extremely rude and inconsiderate, and would be a disciplinary offense at my place of work

An employer who tried to discipline me for sending an email in my free time would soon find himself on the wrong end of a grievance procedure and/or constructive dismissal claim.

PattiStanger · 05/08/2018 12:30

Clairetree1 - could you give us a clue about what type of work you do that means your employer would know when you emailed your wedding DJ?

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 05/08/2018 12:31

I always send texts and emails during the night. Either turn your phone on silent, or filter your notifications. I deal with stuff when I'm awake, whenever that is.
You are enforced to read emails or text or answer calls at those times!

glintandglide · 05/08/2018 12:32

Clairetree works for an adult education college, I believe. One who doesn’t know much about employment law, lol. It does seem strange that the colleges staff are so strangely compliant they pay attention to these weird/ illegal rules- although I guess most of us don’t send work emails at 4am so it probably doesn’t come up much

Minniemountain · 05/08/2018 12:33

You weren't unreasonable.
DH has email notifications on his phone, no idea why, and he leaves it downstairs at night.
I recently emailed DS's school a good month before I expect them to read it as it got something off my to do list.

9amTrain · 05/08/2018 12:33

Tell him to get a fucking grip, it wasn't a phone call! Emails are as and when you feel like sending them!

KittyHawke80 · 05/08/2018 12:35

It’s not remotely rude to send an email at any time. It’s absolutely right, as a PP said, that the whole point of them of them is that you send them at your convenience, on the understanding that they’ll be read, not immediateky, but when the recipient makes themself availabke. I’d love to know this company where it’s a disciplinary offence (!?!?!) so I can steer well clear. If you’ve got your notifications set to on at any time, that presupposes you’re amenable to emails being sent at any time. He was a dick and I’m sorry you had to use him.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 05/08/2018 12:35

You can send an email any time you like but the person is under no obligation to read it. If they are choosing to read work emails at a time that is inconvenient to them then that is their problem.

I refuse to have work emails on my phone for this very reason. I read them when i choose to log in via webmail so there are no notifications

Bibesia · 05/08/2018 12:35

why would I be joking? people have notifications on for all sorts of reasons, not the OPs business whether he has not not .

If you choose to have notifications on, you have to accept the risk that they will come at times that are inconvenient to you. Your choice.

AgentProvocateur · 05/08/2018 12:38

Yes a 4am email is extremely rude and inconsiderate, and would be a disciplinary offense at my place of work - this is the biggest load of bollocks I’ve ever read on MN (and there’s some tough competition).

And your DJ sound like an incompetent, misogynistic arsehole. I’d be tempted to name and shame so that no other bride has to put up with his vile attitude.

Apehouse · 05/08/2018 12:39

Museumum made the point about time zones. Exactly. Emails can be sent at any time. If you’re asleep just disconnect the phone from the internet or put it on silent.

lidoshuffle · 05/08/2018 12:39

Frazzled - how did your fiancé reply to such a rude message?

Devilishpyjamas · 05/08/2018 12:42

Email notifications wouldn’t pop up on my phone (either for work or personal accounts) as i’ve Used my phone settings. I do have my phone on all night because I have a close family member in hospital.
It’s not rocket science.

As for disciplinary offence - what bollocks. Especially in education where you may well be emailing people abroad.

I am currently doing work for a client in Australia. How on earth could be communicate if we could only send emails during working hours for both of us?

MrsMint · 05/08/2018 12:43

I always save and send them after 9am but only because I don't want people to think I do my admin in the middle of the night! He should sort out his notification system if he does not want to be disturbed.

FancyADoughnut · 05/08/2018 12:44

Emails are designed to be sent any time and be read anytime. It isn't a phone call that means two parties must be present at the same time.

If anyone clearly thinks otherwise they haven't really grasped email. Think about different timezones and marketing/spam email that gets sent at anytime.

Don't want to be disturbed then sort out your notifications.

OP it sounds like the wedding took place with the DJ. Quite frankly I would have paid triple to find someone else rather than employ anyone who spoke about me in that way.

4littlebirds · 05/08/2018 12:45

I would be tempted to email him back at 4:00am and tell him what you thought of the sexist dick head. Switch the bloody notifications off.

The only time it should be a sackable offense to be sending emails in the early hours, is for those work place martyrs that want you to know they were working at 4:00am.

Original poster
FrazzledRockRed · 05/08/2018 12:48

@Badbilly. Thanks. I wish we could go back in time and get you.

To the pp who asked if if it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, I can’t see how. We contacted him on Facebook saying we loved your radio show, can you dj at our wedding? We didn’t quibble with the price or anything. We emailed to ask how many plugs he needed and then to let him know the venue said he could set up from 12.00. At the wedding we gave him a plate of food and free soft drinks.

OP posts:
InfiniteVariety · 05/08/2018 12:52

Any man who uses the phrase "keep your wife under control" is outrageously unreasonable

Firesuit · 05/08/2018 12:53

At my workplace people are on call for emergencies, and if the ancillary staff circulate irrelevant emails to company lists/emails it could result in a bunch of people being woken up to check them.

People on emergency call should be called, maybe texted, or in ye olden days paged. Email is not the right medium.

Emails are a faster alternative to post, they existed for decades before smartphones were invented. You are not supposed to be aware of their arrival unless you are actively using you computer at the time.

Original poster
FrazzledRockRed · 05/08/2018 12:53

@lido - I think DH said something like what an idiot but nothing else.

I don’t even want to find him online to review because it’s still upsetting.

OP posts:
9amTrain · 05/08/2018 12:55

Your 'D'H should have said a bit more than that for such a shitty comment! Jesus.

foxyloxy78 · 05/08/2018 12:58

Emails can be sent at whatever time takes your fancy. They are not deemed intrusive forms of communication given that you check your inbox when you please. Not such as sms or WhatsApp. If this man has notifications on his handset whenever an email comes through then he should learn how to use his phone. Massive twat. Hope you sacked him on the spot.

MatildaTheCat · 05/08/2018 13:00

Most people check their emails at some point after getting up in the morning which very much implies that they have received emails overnight, no?

He was a twat.