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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Setting the bar low for fathers

170 replies

GoatWithACoat · 05/08/2018 10:04

The more I observe IRL and on parenting forums, the more I feel frustrated at the parenting bar being set so low for non resident fathers.

Examples; “Ok he doesn’t pay but at least he sees them” (twice a month)

“Well at least your ex pays, mine doesn’t pay anything so you should be grateful” Hmm

I’m not sure if I abandoned my kids, rolled up twice / once a month and paid the bare minimum required by law to raise them people would consider me a great mum.

X Factor last year, several single mums came to audition. One single dad came on and they ran a VT showing him feeding and playing with his daughter like it was the most incredible thing ever.

Was in the park a while ago and heard a couple of women go, ‘awww look isn’t that lovely.’ It was a bloke pushing his kid on a swing! Hmm

AIBU to think that in general, the bar is set so low for fathers and the attitude that women should ‘be grateful’ for any crumbs of parenting / domestic chores completed by a man, is really damaging?

OP posts:
donajimena · 05/08/2018 10:06

Absolutely. I totally agree.

CanaryFish · 05/08/2018 10:09

I had the radio on the other day and a man rang in to do a quiz and the presenter asked him what he was doing today. He replied he was baking a cake with his daughter.
The presenter immediately started gushing how he must be the best dad ever, not many dads would do that, he was great, a legend the whole lot.
I wondered if I rang in and said I was baking with my daughter would I be told I was the best Mum ever... I doubt it!

Jules439 · 05/08/2018 10:16

Agree absolutely. I’m constantly told how lucky I am because DH does drop offs and all the cooking. We both work full time and arguably my job is more stressful involves longer hours, pays more etc. No one tells him how lucky he is that I do all the family washing and all the family organisation.

Original poster
GoatWithACoat · 05/08/2018 10:19

The presenter immediately started gushing how he must be the best dad ever, not many dads would do that, he was great, a legend the whole lot

Yes! It’s things like this exactly I’m talking about. Why is it when women do it it is completely undervalued. Yet a man does basic parenting and he’s hero worshipped! Angry

OP posts:
Jackfruitburger · 05/08/2018 10:21

100% agree. Stay at home dads are viewed as these martyrs (he goes to a toddler group and everything!) whilst stay at home mums are viewed as these old fashioned, unmotivated simpletons (by some!)

HollyGibney · 05/08/2018 10:25

My ex barely sees our children and stopped paying a year ago. I gave him six months grace and then cut off our fairly amicable interactions completely. I absolutely will not be courteous to a man who doesn't see or pay for his children even if he does Skype once a fortnight Hmm. There's been many attacks on my character over this from him and some members of his family and even some mutual friends, think "oh so you were only pleasant to me/him when I/he was paying?" Subtext "you're a Money Grabber Holly". If I disappeared and only Skyped my children once a fortnight, didn't pay for them or see them I would be arrested for child neglect. I will not be amicable or even exchange information with a man who neglects his children in this way. Yet still I am the money grabbing nasty bitch to the majority.

NinkyNonkyNinkyNonk · 05/08/2018 10:30

Couldn't agree more. Worse still, is that in my experience, most dads also have this attitude too.

Original poster
GoatWithACoat · 05/08/2018 10:33

@holly That’s awful Flowers but sadly all too common. I don’t know any women who spend child maintenance on anything except....maintaining the kids! And what is the point in being amicable to an ex if he neither sees or pays for his kids anyway?

OP posts:
Gorrillagirlfanclub · 05/08/2018 10:39

Totally agree. I read so many times on here and in real life stuff like; he's a horrible partner, does nothing in the house, doesn't respect me, is financially controlling etc. Then will say but he's a great dad. I always feel a bit Hmm as to how they're being such a great dad while making mum utterly miserable.

As this behavior takes energy, confidence, happiness, security whatever away from the mum and her role as a parent. So how are you being a good parent if you actively diminish the other parent' s wellbeing and capacity to parent?

Sorry to get a bit ranty! But for me this totally relates to setting the bar so low for fathers. As they can do all this crap take them to the park once a week and be seen as a good dad.

AnoukSpirit · 05/08/2018 10:39

See also, men "babysitting" their own children.

But sure, feminism has gone TOO FAR.

Poor little men being lauded as superheroes for the tiniest, most infrequent of basic parenting tasks. Breaks my heart.

BinG0wings123 · 05/08/2018 10:41

Unfortunately, many women have found themselves with men who turn out to be absolutely shit fathers. Myself included.

It makes me weep when I see a man doing the most basic things with his child, being nice, doing stuff with them and enjoying it because my husband is the opposite with our dc.

No amount of talking to him helps. And obviously, this wasn’t apparent until the child was born.

Many women find themselves in the same situation.

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 05/08/2018 10:42

I had an example of this recently. I went away for 1 night and DH took DS2 and DS3 to a party. He had mums offering to help him manage his own children left right and centre and on the school run the week after I heard nothing but how amazing he was for bringing them. I take the kids to parties nearly every weekend. Do I get a medal every time? No I bloody don't!! Nor do I expect one. Obviously not on the scale of fathers who don't pay maintenance etc and tbh DH was as bemused by the reaction as I was. Just goes to show what people expect from each parent though.

Whyohsky · 05/08/2018 10:42

I don’t know why they can’t have a system here like in the US, where maintenance is deducted from salary at source. It’s abhorrent that fathers can contribute to the creation of life and then abandon their children.

BinG0wings123 · 05/08/2018 10:43

Oh and he’s a shit husband and father. I agree with the fact that if a man is a shit husband then he can’t be a good dad.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 05/08/2018 10:44

I have a neighbour who has his son every weekend. Another neighbour told me how much she admires him for it Confused Eh, admire him for looking after his own kid? Hmm

WorraLiberty · 05/08/2018 10:45

I agree.

But it's also a mystery how there are millions of Mumsnetters and all of them are married to/living with, men who 'always pay more than the going rate' when it comes to maintenance.

No-one ever admits to living with these deadbeats, of which there are so many.

CantankerousCamel · 05/08/2018 10:48

How apt!

Have just watched a woman get launched on for suggesting that her caring for toddler and growing human roles are not enough and she should bow down to her husband for making a stir fry.

My husband is expected to do at least half of the chores, we need to work together because bollocks if I am going to spent all day busting my arse then not get any help.

LunaTrap · 05/08/2018 10:49

YANBU. I have a relative who is always praising my DP as a 'hands-on Dad'. It is strange because she never refers to me in that way and she is pretty modern and feminist minded about most things. I realized recently it is because her own DP is the opposite of hands-on with their kids, in fact he is pretty useless. So to her my DP is unusual whereas to me he is just doing parenting that he should be, same as I do.

MagicFajita · 05/08/2018 10:53

I agree op , I was sitting in the park with my dh and our baby son a few months ago. Dh was feeding him while I drank my coffee and two ladies at the next table were making 'ahhhhh' and 'awwwww' sounds while taking it all in.

I feed our son all of the time when we're out , no one even looks, let alone comments.

ohgoditshappeningagain · 05/08/2018 10:57

This extends to everything domestic, not just parenting. When I introduced a boyfriend to my parents 15 years or so ago, he cleared the table and my mum grabbed my arm and whispered “look! Isn’t that amazing! He’s clearing the table”. (My dad never had. Now he does take his plate to the sink and occasionally the dishwasher and my mum looks at me like it’s some massive triumph.)

Similarly I went to stay at the same BF’s parents’ house for a weekend and his mum asked me to help her make some beds while my bf sat on his arse. I was happy to, of course, but was really surprised she didn’t ask her son. Or at least both of us!

Barbaro · 05/08/2018 10:58

This is why I recently told my partner unless he stops whining about doing chores around the house and stops needing me to remind him every day to do said chores, he will never ever have children. I refuse to have a child with a man child. I'm not looking after 2 of them.

Emma145 · 05/08/2018 10:58

I agree too. Family act like my partner is the second coming if he changes a nappy telling me how lucky I am. Why is it lucky that he helps look after his child? Sure no one calls him lucky everytime I change a nappy.

Also the babysitting thing really gets on my nerves...

ittooshallpass · 05/08/2018 10:59

Couldn't agree more. When Ex is seen picking DD up from school I am inundated with 'ooh isn't he marvellous' type comments.

I have given up mentioning the countless times he drops DD off with 'I haven't given her any tea' comments (this can be at 7pm!) or returns her home 2 hours earlier or later than expected (totally ruining any plans I may have) or taking 2 weeks annual leave 2 weeks BEFORE the school holidays so he's not available when needed (but has a great holiday himself). I could go on and on...

But he's been seen picking her up from school so he's the best dad ever.

I have another single mum friend. Her ex has them less than 24-hours per fortnight, never contributes towards childcare especially during school holidays or puts any ££ towards school trips. But he rocks up at parents evenings and sports day so he's the best dad ever!

Thatssomebadhatharry · 05/08/2018 11:01

Single dads are always portrayed as hero’s while single mum’s are portrayed as benefit scrounges.

ittooshallpass · 05/08/2018 11:04

Meanwhile single mums work around the clock to keep a roof over our children's heads and do our best to help them deal with the emotional shit they go through due to their shit dads.

Many on our knees with stressful jobs, no help and a judgemental society.

Don't get me started!