Setting the bar low for fathers

[GoatWithACoat]

The more I observe IRL and on parenting forums, the more I feel frustrated at the parenting bar being set so low for non resident fathers.

Examples; “Ok he doesn’t pay but at least he sees them” (twice a month)

“Well at least your ex pays, mine doesn’t pay anything so you should be grateful”

I’m not sure if I abandoned my kids, rolled up twice / once a month and paid the bare minimum required by law to raise them people would consider me a great mum.

X Factor last year, several single mums came to audition. One single dad came on and they ran a VT showing him feeding and playing with his daughter like it was the most incredible thing ever.

Was in the park a while ago and heard a couple of women go, ‘awww look isn’t that lovely.’ It was a bloke pushing his kid on a swing!

AIBU to think that in general, the bar is set so low for fathers and the attitude that women should ‘be grateful’ for any crumbs of parenting / domestic chores completed by a man, is really damaging?

My DP is a SAHD. I work full time.
We have 3 DC.
DS1 has glue ear and his hearing fluctuates as a result of this. He has a lot of audiology appointments.
DD has selective mutism and is physically unable to speak in some situations. She has a speech therapist she sees, but they didnt feel the need to work with her at home so support is limited to term time only.

DS2 we suspect is autistic (like me)

The amount of people that tell me how lucky i am that i have someone willing to run about after them all is ridiculous.
When i was the SAHP, it was just expected of me. No one praised me for looking after my own kids. No one told DP how lucky he was that i dealt with all of that while he was at work.
He gets comments constantly.

I took a week off work, and took my children to school/preschool. I had a woman approach me and ask me why i didnt do more for my own kids and tell me it was unfair to expect my partner to do it all because my youngest is clearly very difficult to manage (he has tantrums. And she very clearly didnt know abpht my oldest two and their needs..) she told me i should cut my hours at work, or get my mum (?! Why mine? And why mum?) to help him out.
This woman doesnt know me. And when i collected the children with DP later that day, it came to light she doesnt even speak to him! Just sees him in the school yard. Yet she thought it perfectly acceptable to stick her nose into my life because she usually sees my partner "doing the childcare while (I) swan off for an easy day at work" (or as i call it, parenting while i work bloody hard so that our family doesnt go without)
DP was astonished and asked her why her partner didnt cut his hours to help her out, or why he didn't get his dad to help her with the kids. She didnt seem to grasp that my job was as important as her partners job, and that DP was doing exactly the same thing as her by being at home with our children.

Some of these stories are shocking . I have really noticed in the last few years just how ingrained these attitudes are - the nice but slightly useless dad stereotype is in everything from jokes to kids TV to adverts to films and is as dangerous as some of the nagging female etc stereotypes in terms of prolonging the problem

I would say that we are pretty good in my home in that DP does just do parenting but I do notice that i do more of the tidying (he doesn't seem to notice mess) and mental load of planning/remembering (tbf on that one he does have mild Sen which affects memory and he does use lists erc but it is harder for him whereas I have always had a good memory).

An interesting quirk at his work is that it is a male dominated industry but one that provides a work place nursery so a higher than usual proportion of drop offs and collection are done by dads - I am always surprised that staff even recognise me on the odd occasion I go in!

I do wonder about the intergenerational effect - if children growing up with single mothers expect less of the father when it's their turn. I'm not saying that to bash single mothers, because I am one. I've got to do pretty much everything because dd's dad can't be relied on to step up. But will she in turn have the same expectations when she has a child? How can I teach her to expect more of men than she has experienced?

I lost my shit yesterday as a friend had praised dh for being such a good husband and father and how lucky I was cos he does soo much more than other dads she knows. Yes he works hard, yes he looks after his kids and yes he cooks but I do all the house stuff washing, tidying, clearing up, making beds, laundry. I also do all the mental
Load for both kids. So making sure they have clothes, ds has uniform that fits, that he has his swimming kit, that he’s done his homework, etc etc my dd has selective mutism and starts school this September. I have arranged and gone to all meetings with the school about steps we can take to help her, I’ve got her uniform, I have to be ‘on it’ 24/7 with her due to her anxiety etc
We got home from camping yesterday and he took kids out on their bikes while I unloaded car, changed bedclothes and sorted washing. When they got back at 6.10 the kids still needed tea and to be bathed as still gross from camping. Dh wanted to go to the pub with his mate. I went mental and said that our friend praised him for being so good and yet I do all the shit work and never get praised for being a good Mum/wife and he had the fucking gumption to then want to go to the pub while two knackered dirty hungry kids needed sorting.
I said it would never have occurred to me that going to the pub would be an option if all that needed doing. I’m so cross with this world that means everything I do is seen as ‘normal’ and what he does is so spectacular.
Sorry rambled on there. Just cross.

Yes! I hate this it bugs shit out of me. My ex hasnt seen dd or paid for her in 5.5 years (shes 6). He recently sent me a pic of her misspelt name tattooed on his arm because apparently it shows he loves her. All his mates are gushing over it cos it shows a 'true dad' whilst ice bitch here cant afford a new tattoo as im too busy paying for uniform & clubs & food 🤔🤔

Did he really misspell her name, Pissed? I love it - that says a lot about his level of involvement.

Yep! Her first AND middle name - she isn't hyphenated & he did that too. I was a bitch & replied something along the lines of 'didnt realise you had had another daughter after ours, hope you contribute with this one'

He didn't get it for ages....then blustered something chronic. I have no sympathy

The bar for men generally is low as fuck. 'Well he doesn't hit me!' Is something I've heard more than once from women who stay with shitty partners. (I don't mean controlling partners which is completely different, I mean the bar is so low that nit being abusive is seen as a plus rather than a norm)

It's a ridiculous attitude, my Mum would quite often breeze past everything I did as a parent and gush over how fantastic my partner is, she is and has always been a penis worshipper, a man's needs come first, a man's achievements are always better, a man's opinion matters more. She would worship at the feet of a single Dad whilst labelling a single Mum a slag.

She was a single Mum and my Dad was the very definition of a deadbeat

I think less is expected of fathers especially now if parents are separated

Every dad who has a relationship with their child they don’t live with is automatically labeled as a great dad - for what excatly be loving caring and responsible

I don’t think men need praise for being an all rounded responsible loving parent they are adults not children and shouldn’t treated like they are

And yes I can see how annoying it is for all women that their effort is overlooked regardless of the situation yet men are praised like young children

I've been thinking on this subject for a long time, the disparity between single father and single mother treatment in society, and I think it's to do with our fucked up view of female sexuality.

A woman who has sex might get pregnant. This is viewed as HER OWN FAULT. Looking after the child alone is viewed as merely the consequence of BEING A SLAG.

A man who has sex will not get pregnant. Pregnancies are, therefore, NOT HIS FAULT. Looking after the child alone is viewed as a heroic gesture of self sacrifice, taking responsibility for SOME WOMAN BEING A SLAG.

It's vile but it rings true.

I agree with that colditz.

Pissedoffdotcom wow that's gross. They actually think having a tattoo makes up for not seeibg her??? Then men laugh at women with 'daddy issues' (misogynistic in itself) without getting the irony that kids suffer because they have piss poor fathers

A woman who has sex might get pregnant. This is viewed as HER OWN FAULT. Looking after the child alone is viewed as merely the consequence of BEING A SLAG

A man who has sex will not get pregnant. Pregnancies are, therefore, NOT HIS FAULT. Looking after the child alone is viewed as a heroic gesture of self sacrifice, taking responsibility for SOME WOMAN BEING A SLAG

Never was a truer word spoken. It's the same reason some people are pro choice only in cases of rape.

Yes! Colditz and formerbabe. So spot on.

former babe
In reference to your last comment, it's worth noting that the pro choice movement can back fire for women in a similar way. There was a thread on here recently where a woman had got pregnant but didn't feel abortion was the right choice for her and she'd like the baby's dad to help support the baby. Women were saying she knew what she was getting herself into when she got pregnant and she had no right to expect an innocent man to be involved just because she was being foolish by not having an abortion etc.

Completely agree!!! My husband is a very hands on dad, great around the house and works. EVERYONE comments on how amazing he is and how lucky I am.

I also am a hands on Mum, do housework and have a job....nobody ever tells him he’s lucky or says how grateful he should be.

What is worse is that I read posters on here saying "he's not as bad as those I read about on Mumsnet, so I'm lucky". No you're not! A twat is still a twat regardless of degree of twatness.

YANBU
A man can leave the wife and kids, focus on his career but fork out a bit towards their upkeep and see them EOW and be seen as a GOOD DAD

A mum similarly fucks off, focus on her career, pays something towards the kids and sees them EOW only would be seen as a BITCH imo

heartsease68 those idiots have missed the important point of being prochoice, haven't they.

Totally agree.

Colleagues bakes muffins with his kids and you'd think he was god's gift or something.

She's not just seen as bitch though, mars bars, she's seen as callous, abnormal and probably slightly insane. Because mother's are supposed to stay home, devoted to the kids etc etc.

Yup, bar is low.

As SAHP, DH has also found that it means he gets even more unrequited "help". He was always getting people feeling they could adjust DC's blankets or coming up to him and telling him how to feed them with a bottle or questioning his weaning choices. It was so bloody annoying and all because the assumption is that he must be a) a hero for doing this so difficult thing and b) incompetent.

Yes that's true delph
What we can safely say I think is that nobody would be saying she was a GOOD MUM and telling her exh how lucky he is that she does it.