Setting the bar low for fathers

[GoatWithACoat]

The more I observe IRL and on parenting forums, the more I feel frustrated at the parenting bar being set so low for non resident fathers.

Examples; “Ok he doesn’t pay but at least he sees them” (twice a month)

“Well at least your ex pays, mine doesn’t pay anything so you should be grateful”

I’m not sure if I abandoned my kids, rolled up twice / once a month and paid the bare minimum required by law to raise them people would consider me a great mum.

X Factor last year, several single mums came to audition. One single dad came on and they ran a VT showing him feeding and playing with his daughter like it was the most incredible thing ever.

Was in the park a while ago and heard a couple of women go, ‘awww look isn’t that lovely.’ It was a bloke pushing his kid on a swing!

AIBU to think that in general, the bar is set so low for fathers and the attitude that women should ‘be grateful’ for any crumbs of parenting / domestic chores completed by a man, is really damaging?

When non resident dads pay less for their children, the mother presumably pays more. Yet she's usually hated and derided, not slapped on the back and called wonderful.

I totally agree

Ds Dad sees him twice a week (less when he was younger) pays fair maintenance and I never have to chase him, doesn’t let ds down and pays school fees

The finance side is becuase he can afford to

The commitment is becuase they have a bond and he loves his son

I am often told how lucky ds is (though that’s changing as he is moving abroad to work which he a selfish choice). I get annoyed and correct people ds isn’t lucky it is what should be expected and ds shouldn’t expect anything less I will not have ds feel that he needs to be grateful

At my work a male colleague gets away with quite frequent sick days to cover childcare emergencies. I know exactly what happens to women’s careers if they do that.

Oh and yes ds Dad is seen as absolutely wonderful

Now sit down for this ...

He took ds to a hospital appointment (nothing serious) I didn’t go (last week of uni exams) he wasn’t working at the time

Somehow he was overlooked in the honors list that year but has been elevated to saintly status by many I know

Many years ago, I had a conversation at the SUPERVISED CONTACT CENTRE where ex had to see the kids because he was neglectful and my 7 year old 'got a tattoo by accident' whilst in his care.

"He's a good dad, he turns up every week, doesn't he?"

He doesn't pay maintenance and hasn't for 6 years - he is deliberately unemployed and lives off his girlfriend.

But hey, as long as he turns up every week to the contact centre, so two old ladies can supervise him ignoring his children, that's great parenting.

Meanwhile I'm getting the shit off the school because I can't afford to replace the pe kits that got left round at his before all this kicked off.

Colditz

Please tell us more about the tattoo??!!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childrens_health/1088797-My-7-year-old-has-a-tattoo

I hate this so much. I'm always getting told how lucky I am because DP cooks around half of the time, plays with DS and will do some cleaning if I ask him. I work longer hours than him

DP's mother is the worst culprit, she expressed actual shock that her son changed nappies. Any issue with DS (she works at his nursery) and she will tell me, never DP. She's fully aware that I am busier. Really gets on my tits.

110% agree! Baby is a shared 50/50 responsibility.

Just an observation, but I’ve never seen such a unified thread on MN! So many people experiencing the same thing, it’s a joke how low the bar is set for men.

Fucking hell colditz

If only all we needed to do is sit in the same room as our kids to be called ‘good mum’ eh?

Yet again, depressingly, it’s a woman that says ‘he’s a good dad he turns up’

When non resident dads pay less for their children, the mother presumably pays more. Yet she's usually hated and derided, not slapped on the back and called wonderful

Yup. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve heard men say, “she’d only spend maintenance on her nails, hair and drinking with men”

If a man does pay maintenance and sees the woman taking care of herself, he begrudges it because of course she should wear a sack and eat old teabags otherwise she ‘doesn’t need my money the money grabbing bitch’

Totally right (ex)dp is always being told what a wonderful dad he is. He pays nothing towards them. He has hardly worked since they were born, forcing me to work full time. Recently, ds teacher sent me an email saying how wonderfully exdp had coped whilst I started a high pressure job that meant I had to be away from my kids 3 /4 days a week. Little did she know all their food was being delivered by internet shopping, paid for by me, all their uniforms were getting washed a dried and hung up by me all weekend, and I had arranged for ds to get a free taxi to school (so all dp had to do was shout at him to get him up and wave him off in the morning - and often he couldn't even do that withough shouting and upsetting ds). It beggars belief. I have lost many (female) friends since I left him as he gave them a sob story about me being aggressive and violent (complete lies) not telling them of course how psycho and controlling he is. About 4 friends have stood by me. Everyone else sees a halo shining above his head that is not real!

I don't think it's just necessarily just a low parenting bar for men, just that it's more obvious on a site that's aimed at women.

Yes some men claim to babysit their child there are plenty of women who say they do the childcare rather than just being a parent.

Some men don't pay, quit their jobs or pay the minimum but equally there are millions of women that don't financially support their child too or do the bare minimum.

If a parent is left to get away with the bare minimum then perhaps ten other should have thought twice about their choice of partner. I don't get why anyone would have children with somebody that didn't pull their weight in the house and had a decent work ethic.

Yes I agree. But it's as bad on here. Dads are supposed to be 'allowed' to plan anything they want, when they want, knowing women are there as the default childminder.

I don't think it's just necessarily just a low parenting bar for men, just that it's more obvious on a site that's aimed at women.

Disagree. I think there is generally breathless admiration for men doing basic parenting tasks.

100% agree.

I work full time and DH works part time. He looks after our two boys three days a week. I am fed up of hearing about how amazing he is for doing this from literally the whole world. Mums do it all the time and no one cares when they do but because DH is a man it's suddenly AMAZING.

Boxsets, perhaps the man should have thought before having children. It takes 2 you know. And much of this selfishness does not manifest itself until the first child is born.

Yes I agree. But it's as bad on here. Dads are supposed to be 'allowed' to plan anything they want, when they want, knowing women are there as the default childminder.

Well, the waters become very, very muddied I'm afraid, when women are SAHMs to school-aged children (outside of extenuating circumstances). It's very easy to sketch what an equal marriage looks like when you have a SAHP with young children, or two people working full-time.

Glad to have found a tribe of like minded people on here!

Agree so much. My DH is great in that he cooks all of DS's food (10 months) from scratch, God love him, but all of his interaction with DS is playing. Thus DS never cries with him, only me, because I'm dressing him, washing him, putting on his eczema cream, wrestling him into the pram. That pisses me off. And I do all the nights because BFing.

Been trying to get DS in his own bed lately and one night I actually screamed with tiredness and frustration. Only for my DM to tell me that I shouldn't make DH feel bad or ask him to help because he's a good man, works hard and loves me. Which strikes me as pretty bare minimum stuff

@AgentCooper

Surely at 10 months your DH could help with some of the night waking now? I formula fed (so I'm not a BF expert) and my 10 month old has frequent wakings. Very few of them are to do with hunger. DH deals with 50% of them.

Yep I agree op. Both me and my partner work so we split parenting duties and what really boils my piss is if I'm walking the dog/ running an errand without our dts in tow I always get asked where they are, as if I'm out of order being out of the house for an hour without them. When I explain they are at home with their dad he gets praised to the high heavens for actually doing their dinner/ bathing them / taking them to the park.

For a while exh was rp. Long story but it made sense at the time and was for financial reasons not bad parenting on my behalf. I always had dc at least a third of the time, almost every weekend night. I also paid maintenance, half of any large expenses, bought the school shoes and winter coat, organised almost every out of school activity, birthday parties and haircuts. People still judged me massively. If a father had similar contact he would have been made a saint

benandjerrys sounds shite.