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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Secret cleaner?

181 replies

ButtermilkBiscuits · 04/08/2018 16:37

Basically I am a SAHM of an 18 mo old DS. He is a handful that I struggle to keep entertained all day and he's not a very good napper. Most days I'm lucky to get him down for an hour at most. As a result, I cannot stay on top of the housework properly. I've asked my DH if we can get a cleaner for the bathrooms and kitchen etc and he has flat out said no. I've explained that it's impossible to get anything done when DS is awake and when he's asleep I'm rarely able to get much done because he doesn't sleep for long. I've also explained the amount of stress that I constantly feel because the house isn't as clean as it should be. Still a firm NO.

The thing is, I'm largely in control of the finances. DH has his own business and he sends me 90% of the money he earns and keeps the other 10% for himself and materials as needed. He never checks my bank account or questions me about money. All of the bills come out of my account and also our savings is attached to my account. The only control he has is to tell me what to put in savings and what to keep on the current account but he never follows up or looks at the balances.

WIBU to just employ a cleaner behind his back? He'd never know and it would take a lot of my stress away but I'm not sure if that would be a breach of trust? AIBU?

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 04/08/2018 16:41

Does he clean?

argumentativefeminist · 04/08/2018 16:42

If he has a 10% of salary allowance for "himself" and his materials... say 50% of that is materials, he still has some money that he spends as he pleases, without interference from you. Just say firmly to him that you're getting a cleaner, and you believe it should be classed as part of household expenditure just as the cleaning products presumably would be if you were cleaning yourself. If he still acts like a dick about it, tell him you're paying the cleaner from your own money. You deserve it! 💕

KlutzyDraconequus · 04/08/2018 16:42

You know kids won't melt in to a puddle of they're not constantly entertained right?
Stick him in his bedroom with some toys for a couple hours, plonknhim in front of TV for a bit. Let him get bored and entertainment himself.

RedSkyLastNight · 04/08/2018 16:44

So if you pay for a cleaner what gets cut to pay for it?
or are you saying that you'll pay for it out of personal money?

Handsoffmysweets · 04/08/2018 16:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

TheConstantMoaner · 04/08/2018 16:49

If you can afford it. Then why is he so against it ?

SisterNotCisTerf · 04/08/2018 16:50

I was a secret cleaner for a woman once. It was quite strange as she didn’t want me to clean “too well” (which is what I do!) because her husband would know it wasn’t her doing it. It all went fine until he came home on his lunch one day and found me half way round the U bend in his toilet. Grin no idea how she handled (there was silence while I was there!) that but she kept me on for another few months and then let me go.

argumentativefeminist · 04/08/2018 16:50

RedSky I don't think it was ever mentioned that the OP and her family couldn't afford it/would have to cut back? I thought he just didn't want/couldn't see the point of a cleaner.

saywhatnnow · 04/08/2018 16:51

DP wouldn't let me employ a cleaner when I was laid up for 13 weeks after surgery and said 'we can keep on top of it' even though the whole point was that I couldn't !!! I couldn't do anything.

I wish I'd done it anyway with my own money!

minipie · 04/08/2018 16:51

Well the real question is can you afford it? Is there money left over after food and bills on top of what DH wants to be saving? If so then I can't see the problem - although I wouldn't do it secretly, I'd just tell DH I was doing it...

minipie · 04/08/2018 16:56

Oh and to all the "let DS entertain himself" replies - you never had a child like my DD! She'd have hurt herself or broken something within 10 min of being left to her own devices. And didn't want to watch TV till 2yrs old. I am by no means a helicopter parent but DD just needed watching all the time at that age. DD2 was different and happy pottering with toys for ages so think it's nature not nurture!

Shoxfordian · 04/08/2018 16:58

If you're largely in control of the finances then why did you ask him? Should have just told him you're getting a cleaner

Confusedbeetle · 04/08/2018 16:59

What no one seems to have mentioned is deceit. Lying in a relationship is a seriously bad idea.
Whether the house can be kept acceptably clean by a SAHM with a toddler is a little of an eyebrow raiser. If you really can't manage it you can argue the toss with him, do what you like but do not do it in secret.
Once you start that game you are on a slippery slope, how would you like it? Sauce for the goose. Be open and honest whatever you decide.
By the way, if the bathroom and kitchen are clean , food on the table, and laundry done, everything else is a matter of personal choice and standards

Notevilstepmother · 04/08/2018 17:01

Don’t clean for a couple of weeks, and see if he changes his mind?

longwayoff · 04/08/2018 17:04

Let me understand. Your husband wants a clean house so do u. Neither of u are up to cleaning it yourselves. You have "asked" if u can get a cleaner. He has said no. I despair. Get a cleaner for crying out loud.

Pengggwn · 04/08/2018 17:05

I think the problem is more wide-ranging. Why does he get to say "a firm NO" to something you want to spend money on? Why do you feel the need to ask him?

I wouldn't lie; I would tell him I believe we can afford it and I was hiring the cleaner.

DarlingNikita · 04/08/2018 17:12

I think the problem is more wide-ranging. Why does he get to say "a firm NO" to something you want to spend money on? Why do you feel the need to ask him?

I agree with this. Why can't you say 'By the way, I'm trying out a cleaner from next week onwards.'? That's the only sensible way this conversation goes between two equal adults, no?

Iggii · 04/08/2018 17:14

Deceit is a problem but so is acting like you're the boss of your wife.

pennycarbonara · 04/08/2018 17:21

Does he object on political principle?

rookiemere · 04/08/2018 17:25

Could you pay for DS to go to a CM instead for a bit? He may not have conscientious objections to that and it achieves the same aim.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/08/2018 17:28

I agree that deceit would be a huge problem, as is the idea that either one of you just gets to overrule the other.

Do you have personal money you could pay for it from? Is your DH complaining about the state of the house? Can you tag team at the weekend to clean up?

If you can't find any time to clean at all, that presumably means you are constantly engaging with your DS all day? Which sounds pretty exhausting on many levels and something that it would be wise to work on finding a solution to that, whatever happens with the cleaning. Does your DH take DS for significant amounts fo time at the weekend? Do you get any downtime?

aaarrrggghhhh · 04/08/2018 17:30

Erm - unless I've missed it, no one seems to have queried exactly why this is something for him to say yes or no to. If you are in charge of the household maintenance you are in charge of resource allocation for that. You think you need a cleaner. You get a cleaner.

Almostfifty · 04/08/2018 17:30

I used to get mine to help me, so gave them a cloth and they'd follow me round dusting. They loved the feather duster.

I did the bathroom while they were in the bath, cleaning the bath out as they got out of the bath.

Get them a toy hoover so they can follow you around while you're doing yours.

I simply cannot understand why anyone cannot clean with one child. (I'm not talking about children with SN here, obviously.) I managed to do it with four, and the house was always clean.

Returnofthesmileybar · 04/08/2018 17:30

Hhhhmmm I'm torn on this, in one way I don't think he gets a blanket no and you just have to accept it, on the other hand I am wondering how the fuck you can't manage to clean with just one child Confused like seriously? I wouldn't do it in secret, just because I wouldn't have it in me to lie. I would just arrange a deep clean every couple of months and stat on top of it between you, it seems like a happy medium to me, I don't get how a family with on kid "needs" a cleaner

mimibunz · 04/08/2018 17:33

Why is he allowed to unilaterally say NO, without discussion? That’s the bigger issue, surely?

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