Secret cleaner?

[ButtermilkBiscuits]

Basically I am a SAHM of an 18 mo old DS. He is a handful that I struggle to keep entertained all day and he's not a very good napper. Most days I'm lucky to get him down for an hour at most. As a result, I cannot stay on top of the housework properly. I've asked my DH if we can get a cleaner for the bathrooms and kitchen etc and he has flat out said no. I've explained that it's impossible to get anything done when DS is awake and when he's asleep I'm rarely able to get much done because he doesn't sleep for long. I've also explained the amount of stress that I constantly feel because the house isn't as clean as it should be. Still a firm NO.

The thing is, I'm largely in control of the finances. DH has his own business and he sends me 90% of the money he earns and keeps the other 10% for himself and materials as needed. He never checks my bank account or questions me about money. All of the bills come out of my account and also our savings is attached to my account. The only control he has is to tell me what to put in savings and what to keep on the current account but he never follows up or looks at the balances.

WIBU to just employ a cleaner behind his back? He'd never know and it would take a lot of my stress away but I'm not sure if that would be a breach of trust? AIBU?

OP does your husband do any cleaning? Is be happy about the state of the house?

Pay for someone to do a deep clean. Tell him to foxtrot oscar if he moans.

Take a look at The Organised Mum cleaning method and see if that would work for you. She suggests breaking up her 30 mins (plus 15 mins level 1 stuff) a day in to 3 x 10 mins slots if you have little ones etc. Wax lyrical about this wonderful scheme to your husband. Get a deep clean done again for "Christmas" and "your birthday" and "mothers day" and "candlemass".

Get your DS on a waiting list for pre school and count down the days until he starts!

If you can afford,yes by all means.but why lie?youll only get found out

I struggle with the concept that the sahp gets no say in these things when it affects them most. If I wanted a cleaner I’d just employ one, it wouldn’t occur to me to ask dhs permission. I may tell him of my intention to find one. What are his objections?

Get DS one of these? www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-my-first-cleaning-set/p1919077?sku=234336499&s_kwcid=2dx92700028121377318&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrJyzwOvT3AIVCrXtCh168Q9aEAQYAiABEgJLXPD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

So cute.

aaarrrggghhhh, I and Pengggwn have both raised this. I agree it's baffling why the OP needs permission and why he gets a veto.

Is the arrangement that he works FT and does no housework, and you're a SAHM and do all the housework?

You need to have an arrangement whereby you do as much as you can during the working day, and all additional chores in the evening/weekend are shared.

I suggest he needs to take A/L to live your life for a few days while you go out during the day. He'll be in total charge of kiddie and house during the day, and also do anything that you normally do in the evenings (cook dinner? kiddie bedtime? nighttime wake-ups?). See how much housework he's able to keep on top of....

Have you read the post?she controls the finances & savings account
She’s not beholden or seeking permission
In no way doesn’t she have a say.youre making that bit up.MumlittleDragon

Of course he gets a say in how op spends his money,he’s sole wage earner
Op isn’t financially contributing. So yea he gets a say in how his money spent

I am not sure I would be happy with my OH issuing an arbitrary NO to anything especially as he is unaware of whether you can afford it or not. You should be able to keep a house clean even with a toddler though unless you are disabled or have health concerns. It is just a question of being organised. Also entertaining your toddler is not something you need to do in all his wakeful hours. Get him to help by getting a toy hoover or dustpan and brush or feather duster. Wiping down the bathroom is great for water play. I do that with my granddaughter all the time.

It is not going to kill your son by letting him entertain himself for half an hour or so. Make your OH help at the weekends.

Honestly if dp was a sahd and I worked 40 hours a week I would begrudge a cleaner with one child, it's madness cleaning with one 18 month old can't be managed

Wot @DarlingNikita said

Don't just lie to him, get him to see your point of view and if he can't, ask yourself why.

I would just have a scruffy house. Take, by car as DD can sleep then, as much as you can to a laundry. Get lots of ready meals. Hmm, that's it really. Go out as much as you can to anywhere where DD will be entertained. It's only for a few year then you can get more organised old gimmer looking back and realising that time flies by

It's threads like this that make me realize what total bullshit marriage is. Why the fuck do people sign up for these relationships where one person gets to tell the other what they can and can't do?

Of course it can managed.thousands manage to clean with one 18mth baby
It’s not an insurmountable task.it really isn’t
But if she can afford a cleaner, just get one. But tell the dp

Op isn’t financially contributing. So yea he gets a say in how his money spent

'a say' is not the same as a flat 'no' and no discussion.

And the OP IS financially contributing in as much as, if she wasn't doing the childcare, they/he would have to pay for it or he'd have to change or drop his work to do it himself.

So let’s get this clear,he’s the sole earner. But has to defer to the housewife how his moneys spent?
The issue is why lie,just get the cleaner tell him. Can’t fathom why lie?
Op manages the finances and has access to monies,he’s not doling our an allowance

Lying in a relationship is a seriously bad idea.

So is banning your spouse from doing things.

The op is not financially contributing she’s unwaged.no fancy semantics will spin that
Yes They could get paid childcare,plenty do.she could return to work

Wrt cleaning with an 18 mo baby, it depends on the baby.

My oldest was wonderful, and would happily sit in the middle of the room and play with her toys. I could go into the kitchen next door and prepare something for a good 10 mins (keeping an eye on the baby) before she crawled over to find me.

My youngest was the opposite - a little cling-on. Never wanted to be put down, would scream (full-on tears) if I left the room even to pop to the toilet, and wouldn't play by herself (only wanted to play if I was there too). It was utterly exhausting, and I never would have believed tiny children could be that demanding after my first unless I'd had DD2.

I could easily have kept the house tidy, cooked dinner, and been well rested after a day looking after DD1. But with DD2 my OH would come home to an exhausted wife, with chaos all over the house and no hint of anything cooking in the kitchen!

You can't just spend family money when he has explicitly said that he doesn't want to! I agree with your opinion on getting a cleaner but I personally would never be able to lie to my husband about spending the money he earns on stuff he is against.

The demand that you work for him as an unpaid cleaner is unreasonable.

I think you should get a cleaner and tell him that you have. No secrets but also no weird power differential.

If you decide together that you'd prefer to do the housework and save some of that cash for fun stuff, though, I heartily recommend The Organised Mum Method. You do 30 mins a day on certain zones, five days a week (plus 15 mins on top up tasks). You could definitely fit it around naps even with nap dodging toddlers, but you can also just whack on some music videos on Youtube and let your toddler watch/hold a cloth. Also, your partner should pull his bloody weight. You're not a stay at home housekeeper.

More info: theorganisedmum.blog/

It's not fancy semantics, it's common sense. If she returned to work she'd just be contributing differently, with money to buy time, not directly with time.

The real point, though, remains why on earth her DH thinks he gets to say a flat no with no possibility of discussion.

So is banning your spouse from doing things.

Stop being so dramatic. Saying no to spending family money on something isn't some heinous crime.

I would suggest you do very little then suggest you both clean one weekend morning or one night or get him to look after the little one, one morning or afternoon on his own so you can clean. Both will probably pee him off then he’ll agree to one. I wouldn’t do it in secret.