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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Secret cleaner?

181 replies

ButtermilkBiscuits · 04/08/2018 16:37

Basically I am a SAHM of an 18 mo old DS. He is a handful that I struggle to keep entertained all day and he's not a very good napper. Most days I'm lucky to get him down for an hour at most. As a result, I cannot stay on top of the housework properly. I've asked my DH if we can get a cleaner for the bathrooms and kitchen etc and he has flat out said no. I've explained that it's impossible to get anything done when DS is awake and when he's asleep I'm rarely able to get much done because he doesn't sleep for long. I've also explained the amount of stress that I constantly feel because the house isn't as clean as it should be. Still a firm NO.

The thing is, I'm largely in control of the finances. DH has his own business and he sends me 90% of the money he earns and keeps the other 10% for himself and materials as needed. He never checks my bank account or questions me about money. All of the bills come out of my account and also our savings is attached to my account. The only control he has is to tell me what to put in savings and what to keep on the current account but he never follows up or looks at the balances.

WIBU to just employ a cleaner behind his back? He'd never know and it would take a lot of my stress away but I'm not sure if that would be a breach of trust? AIBU?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 04/08/2018 21:34

So, FinallyHere, it's appalling advice to get a cleaner and not tell him, but it's fine to get a job and not tell him. The inconsistency round here sometimes astounds me.

OP only asked about getting a cleaner and she's ended up being told to LTB. Bonkers.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 21:38

Op didn’t disclose whole backstory in one go,it all emerged gradually
Hence she got staged responses to what was initially posted
It emerged he bullied her into giving up work,and she said he’s controlling
She needs to protect herself get a contingency fund and some just in case money

footballwidower · 04/08/2018 22:22

I sympathise for the lack of downtime you don't get with ds but stick him in his cot/play and put the tv on. 15 minutes several times a day whilst you do one small chore at a time will not harm him. It's not like you are leaving him home alone to go do a food shop. If he never learns to be by himself now you are making a rod for your own back in the future

Tomatoesrock · 05/08/2018 13:40

Get one. Your left to do it all. At least they could do dusting, floors and bathrooms so you can spend the time enjoying your baby. If I could I would.

Laureline · 05/08/2018 15:41

Go back to work - your marriage situation is ringing alarm bells for me.

Basically, you have become dependant on a man who does not respect your opinions (he has worn you down on stopping the nursery, stopping work...) and has firmly trapped you home, and will not listen to you when you say you’re struggling.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 05/08/2018 16:00

I’d love a cleaner... DP says no, but... his reasons are pretty sound, the fact that we don’t need one and money could be better spent elsewhere aside, he doesn’t want someone he doesn’t know in our home, being amongst our stuff.

As much as I might disagree with it, I have to respect that. Maybe the OPs DH has similar thoughts?

Shambu · 05/08/2018 16:02

I’d love a cleaner... DP says no, but... his reasons are pretty sound, the fact that we don’t need one and money could be better spent elsewhere aside, he doesn’t want someone he doesn’t know in our home, being amongst our stuff.

So he does all the cleaning, right?

DarlingNikita · 05/08/2018 16:06

Shambu, EXACTLY what I was going to say!

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 05/08/2018 16:07

@Shambu

The majority yes, he’s a much better housekeeper than me!

BlueBug45 · 05/08/2018 16:08

@Bluelady you missed the drip feeding. It's all about the OH controlling her.

delphguelph · 05/08/2018 16:11

Go back to work full time. DS in nursery. Get a cleaner.

Bobs your uncle.

FinallyHere · 06/08/2018 17:13

* I’d love a cleaner... DP says no, but... his reasons are pretty sound, the fact that we don’t need one and money could be better spent elsewhere aside, he doesn’t want someone he doesn’t know in our home, being amongst our stuff.

So he does all the cleaning, right?*

Well, quite

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/08/2018 17:33

Typical mumsnet. If a woman had posted on here saying that her DH was a SAHD and is insisting that she pays for a cleaner, everyone would be calling him a lazy cocklodger.
If I was paying for a partner to be a SAHP, then I wouldn't expect to have to pay for a cleaner or nanny, as the person at home (whichever gender) would be at home to do the cleaning and childcare. If you don't want to do the cleaning, then go back to work and then he can share it with you.

MissP103 · 06/08/2018 17:44

Op just tell him you are getting one and no ifs and buts from him. What exactly is his objection? Especially since you can afford it.

I'm also a sahm. Ds is 2 and I really understand what it means to have a clingy child. Those that say give him something to help you and be mommies helper really dont get it. My son cried if I took 2 steps away. I couldnt open a draw without him taking everything out. Couldnt walk into the kitchen and he wanted to be carried.

Don't feel guilty that you need a cleaner. I have a full time cleaner. She comes in for 8 hours a day every day. It is bliss. Your job is to take care of ds and he needs to help you with housework. If he cant do that then why should he get the final say.

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/08/2018 17:52

MissP, that's great that you have found someone to pamper you like that. However, not every man is willing to pay for someone to have a life of luxury at their expense, and some - god forbid! - do expect a partner at home to do some work while they're at home all day.
Its way too princessy to demand household help when you don't work, unless you have a disability.
OP, you seem to resent cooking for him - are you going to ask for a chef next??
How many on here would seriously be willing to pay for a cleaner if their DH was a SAHD and they only had one child, with no additional needs??

Bluelady · 06/08/2018 18:01

Nasty, Harsh, very nasty. Although I do struggle to see what a cleaner finds to do every day for eight hours! I don't think OP's aiming at those dizzy heights.

Monday55 · 06/08/2018 18:26

Could you try and do blocks of 10mins cleans whilst the baby is asleep..if you can manage 3 x 10mins blocks throughout the day that should be enough if it's a mess made by just you and baby. Clean as if you've got an important visitor coming and you'll be surprised how much you can fit in 10mins

Tinkobell · 06/08/2018 18:31

How funny! Yes do it!

Gabilan · 06/08/2018 18:59

I have a full time cleaner. She comes in for 8 hours a day every day. It is bliss.

How big is your house?

Bluelady · 06/08/2018 19:02

She's the Duchess of Cambridge, silly.

bourbonbiccy · 06/08/2018 22:31

@harshbuttrue1980 I would be inclined to agree with you as the house is not massive and only 1 child.

If the child is so clingy, they are obviously not off making loads of mess, if they can't be put down. But that is obviously not the point that people are making, it is how awful the husband is for being so controlling
@ButtermilkBiscuits you have said yourself your husband is a t**t, I would put plans in motion to leave him as what your child is being exposed to is unhealthy to see you married to someone you quite clearly dislike so much.

ButtermilkBiscuits · 06/08/2018 23:04

Hey sorry for "leaving" my thread everyone...I suppose I just felt a bit overwhelmed and embarrassed by some of the responses and the information I revealed.

I should have known a lot of people would ridicule me for my secret cleaner idea, but I was not prepared for the amount of people that read through the lines and honed in on my deeper relationship issues.

I will admit that a cleaner may not be best for me but the fact remains that I am deeply unhappy with my current arrangement and am seeking a way to feel better about my life. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone and I completely understand that plenty of people cannot sympathise or understand how I feel.

I'm not the fucking Duchess of Cambridge ffs. I'm the Dutchess of Go Fuck Yourself. Wink

OP posts:
bourbonbiccy · 07/08/2018 00:31

@ButtermilkBiscuits I don't think you were being called the duchess of Cambridge, I think that was for the poster who had a cleaner for 8 hrs a day, although I may be mistaken .

Trazey · 07/08/2018 04:26

Him being extremely controlling doesn't tally with you being in charge of finances and him not looking at finances.

So, you want a cleaner and he doesn't. Why is your 'yes' more important than his 'no'? If he wants to spend a large amount of money on something and you don't want him to then who 'wins' in that situation?

As you're at home with a single toddler, I don't think it's unacceptable for your contribution to include cleaning or cooking.

You're contributing, of course, but a much lesser amount if you are paying someone to come and clean.

Shambu · 07/08/2018 08:00

Him being extremely controlling doesn't tally with you being in charge of finances and him not looking at finances

Of course if does. He doesn't mean he's not controlling in other ways.

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