Secret cleaner?

[ButtermilkBiscuits]

Basically I am a SAHM of an 18 mo old DS. He is a handful that I struggle to keep entertained all day and he's not a very good napper. Most days I'm lucky to get him down for an hour at most. As a result, I cannot stay on top of the housework properly. I've asked my DH if we can get a cleaner for the bathrooms and kitchen etc and he has flat out said no. I've explained that it's impossible to get anything done when DS is awake and when he's asleep I'm rarely able to get much done because he doesn't sleep for long. I've also explained the amount of stress that I constantly feel because the house isn't as clean as it should be. Still a firm NO.

The thing is, I'm largely in control of the finances. DH has his own business and he sends me 90% of the money he earns and keeps the other 10% for himself and materials as needed. He never checks my bank account or questions me about money. All of the bills come out of my account and also our savings is attached to my account. The only control he has is to tell me what to put in savings and what to keep on the current account but he never follows up or looks at the balances.

WIBU to just employ a cleaner behind his back? He'd never know and it would take a lot of my stress away but I'm not sure if that would be a breach of trust? AIBU?

If 750 quid is 'irrelevant' now if soon won't be. You'll get childcare vouchers or tax free childcare then 30 free hours and before you know it he'll be at school and you'll have POTS of money!!! Plus you won't have been away from work for so long that it will be difficult to get back in. Personally I think the SAHP should keep on top of the majority of the housework and kids will absorb as much of your attention as you give them. It's good for them to learn that jobs have to be done and to learn to wait. But being at home doesn't suit you so get back to work and pay a cleaner

If LO doesn't get ill at nursery, he'll go through it all at school, so you (as a couple) will still have to deal.

Couple of options:

• You go back to work and consider a nanny instead of nursery You go back to work and both* of you go part-time so you cover most of LO's childcare between you. LO would only need to be in nursery for a few days a week.
• You go back to work and OH becomes a SAHD.

Were there any discussions about housework when agreed to become a SAHM?

What's the difference in yours and OH's income? Why was it your job that had to go and not his? Or not meeting half way and both going PT?

OP, his views on how the family should be set up are not more important than yours. Especially when you're the one sacrificing. It sounds as if he wants a traditional 'Wife' who'll keep house, cook dinner, and knows her place.

Also, I feel strongly that if you have the money, the person who vetoes getting a cleaner should be the one to take over the bulk of the cleaning.

This isn’t about the cleaner it’s how he maintains patriarchy and bullied her into giving up work
Clearly there are issues in the marriage,she’s said so.
Money and a job may well form part of her future exit plan

My 2yo is not reliable to clean around, sometimes she plays alone beautifully, sometimes while I'm cleaning the counters she's found a stray pen and is drawing on the walls, or emptying a shelf as fast as I put things away on a different one. Doesn't nap, can climb stairgates and open doors...

She goes to a childminder 2 days/week and really loves it - starts preschool in September.

I would definitely suggest a return to work, possibly a childminder rather than a nursery but realistically avoiding nursery bugs just delays issues until school starts! Plus the chance to spend time with adults is priceless - I'm a much better mum when I am not at home all the time and I don't break even but that's not the point.

OP, be prepared that once he knows youre serious about going back to work, he may suddenly want another baby.

Also, please remember, he doesn’t get to decide if you work or not, just as you can’t dictate to him that he should be a SAHD. Don’t let him convince you that his opinion matters more than yours.

Op,start to squirrel away some emergency cash from housekeeping.dont tell him
Build up some funds. Some just in case money. Don’t let on.open another account
Look for a job and save whilst you look

I agree that going back to work is probably the best solution. Just not sure what DH will say

I think that, before he grinds you down completely, you need to tell him that you are going back to work. That bit is non-negotiable. The negotiable bit is whether or not you divorce him, but married to him or divorced, you are working.

750pcm after nursery fees must be a fair whack of money (to me anyway, maybe not to the MNers who think £70k pa is normal). Please don't let him think otherwise. I really think you need your financial independence OP. And for goodness sake, do not have another child with him.

Oh piss off all the smug people gloating about all the cleaning they can do with a toddler around. It's not helpful to the op, and maybe your kids were easy. I got shit all done when my (one) child was that age and my husband understood because he knew she was demanding and clingy and exhausting, also that my day with her was to be with her, not to be his skivvy. I don't imagine I would have gotten much more done had I been at home with her every day, and honestly found work much easier than looking after a demanding toddler all day. She is two now and much easier to ignore for periods of time, or to engage in 'helping' with housework, but I would still struggle to mop floors etc. Op, I would give serious thought to going back to work in your position. If not, stand your ground about the cleaner, and please know that even the clingy ones ease up as they get older.

To the people who can't understand why OP can't keep on top of the cleaning with 'only' one child -

^eat those while typing your smug comments.

All children are different, and some are a lot more high-energy or time restrictive than others.

as soon as I clean them, they are dirty again

this, ^ , this is why i i have a paid job outside the home

extremely controlling and it's a major issue in our relationship. But I suppose those details are neither here nor there with regard to this post

I am sorry, but i really don't see how you can 'put that to one side' and consider the issue of a cleaner , or rather your husband thinking that he can take decisions that impact you unilaterally, separately from this revelation. It is never a good idea to give up your independence, especially not to someone who tries to exercise unilateral control. I have no advice for you, but this thing i know, do what3 er you need to do, to claw back some independence. All the best.

And what 'political principle' could there be for not providing a job for someone who wanted to do it, when you were able to do so?

Irrelevant to the OP, but I was the one who mentioned it. I used to live with someone who objected on principle to getting a cleaner. This was also the best part of 20 years ago, when full-time lower skilled jobs were not as difficult to find. It is an old left-wing argument not often heard these days, but in a nutshell it's an objection to maintaining a servant class in society. Also probably intensified by my being from a well-off middle class background, and his having spent periods of his life in acute poverty (albeit with a highly educated parent). I considered getting a cleaner only because of my own health problems, but in retrospect, the flat was small enough that it was manageable, if sometimes a bit annoying, without. What would have unquestionably helped was a dishwasher.

It’s a fair enough observation,there’s only 1 toddler,it’s not insurmountable
He doesn’t need enrichment and attention 24-7 op can do housework
Clean & tidy as you go helps.
Thousands of parents keep on top of housework with 1
Thousands of parents keep on top of housework with more than 1

No idea what this weird 1950s superciliousness about housework is about. I hate housework, I didn't spend years in education to spend my time spraying things. I'm not doing it with a toddler or without.

Whether OP doesn't like it or she finds it hard to keep on top of with a demanding toddler, it's her life, her choice and none of your business.

If you can afford and he won’t find out. Then just do it.

Sorry, I think that this is terrible advice. Its pandering, and nothing good can come of it.

he spoke to his parents and friends and came to the conclusion that the only solution was for me not to work. Also my job was a constant source of stress and he felt like it would be better if I quit.

Dear goodness, OP, this just gets worse and worse. Where are you, as a sentient human being and an equal partner in the relationship, in this decision making process?

I just got tired of the same arguments and caved in

This is why there is MN, well done for posting here. We can get this things done

Just not sure what DH will say.

Now, I would not tell him anything about it, til you have the job offer in writing. He sounds as if he could easily sabotage your attempts, and you don't need that kind of stress when you are going for interviews. Wait until you have the offers then have a calm discussion with him.

For full disclosure, knowing that i am projecting my own experience here, in my case i kept quiet til i had an offer which earned more than him. After years to claiming that we are all equal, but me letting him take most of the decisions because it was mostly his money, we broke up it felt within hours of me demonstrating my superior earning power. He married and went on to have two DC with a woman who would never out earn him. Sigh.

op can do housework

But why should she have to, she has options. What discussions were had when she agreed was bullied into becoming a SAHP. Lots about nursery not being suitable, why should that mean she gets landed with all tbe housework? Pah, all the best, OP din5 let him grind you down and come back here if you need to be reminded tbat you are a human in your own right, not some stepford wife adjunct to him.

I used to live with someone who objected on principle to getting a cleaner

So he did all the cleaning right? Due to your health problems.

We both did pretty much the same amount of cleaning. The place was less clean than I would have liked, but he didn't care.

Well of course some people manage to look after 19 kids 7 dogs and 53 chickens and still have time to clean a mansion, but if you don't want to, I'd get the cleaner but inform him you've decided to. Tough if he disagrees, if he doesn't like it you're back to work.

We got a cleaner when dd1 got mobile as I wasn't happy bleaching floors when she was awake and too tired to be bothered to do when she wasn't.

£10 a week and it forces me to do a good clean each week. Kept her on during no 2 mat leave too. Better value than a takeaway or another soft play session.

*good tidy not clean

Surely he should have been doing the lion's share given your health problems and his principles.

Politics my arse, it's miserliness and laziness.

Oh no, your DH sounds so controlling, as you admit yourself. Him badgering you to quit your job, even though you didn’t want to, so you’re home all the time with your child, really sets off alarm bells. He’s increasing your dependency on him. You’re not even allowed a bit of help with cleaning? Please be careful OP. You don’t want this to get any worse, so that you’re completely isolated from everyone else. He should change his behaviour and give you your independence and power back.

Look at this chart and the bit that says ‘isolation’, and see if you recognise it.

One alternative would be to relax your cleaning standards.
That would solve many problems.

No it would not solve anything.read her updates it’s not about housework
Her controlling dp bullied her into giving up,work,he undermines her,she’s desperately unhappy

Ninon It used to be quite a common principle that in couples with differing standards about housework, the one with the higher standards needed to relax a bit (assuming that the other wasn't creating a health hazard). We were also trying not to create a codependent/carer type situation. His standards were average for childless people in their twenties, and although I didn't like the state of the flat as it was from our mutual minimal efforts (I still remember the balls of fluff and hair on the sitting room floor) most of our friends' places were similar at the time. The amount of housework we did was more equal than it would have been had I been perfectly healthy. I learnt from it, anyway: the next time I lived with a man, it was someone who actively enjoyed several types of housework.