Secret cleaner?

[ButtermilkBiscuits]

Basically I am a SAHM of an 18 mo old DS. He is a handful that I struggle to keep entertained all day and he's not a very good napper. Most days I'm lucky to get him down for an hour at most. As a result, I cannot stay on top of the housework properly. I've asked my DH if we can get a cleaner for the bathrooms and kitchen etc and he has flat out said no. I've explained that it's impossible to get anything done when DS is awake and when he's asleep I'm rarely able to get much done because he doesn't sleep for long. I've also explained the amount of stress that I constantly feel because the house isn't as clean as it should be. Still a firm NO.

The thing is, I'm largely in control of the finances. DH has his own business and he sends me 90% of the money he earns and keeps the other 10% for himself and materials as needed. He never checks my bank account or questions me about money. All of the bills come out of my account and also our savings is attached to my account. The only control he has is to tell me what to put in savings and what to keep on the current account but he never follows up or looks at the balances.

WIBU to just employ a cleaner behind his back? He'd never know and it would take a lot of my stress away but I'm not sure if that would be a breach of trust? AIBU?

Ok well not to drip feed, but I was working up until 2 months ago when my husband finally convinced me that my income was irrelevant (I was bringing in £750/mo after nursery fees) and it would be better for DS to have me around FT while he's still so young. This all came from the fact that DS was poorly constantly from the first day he started nursery and we both began to question if it was worth it to have DS unwell so much (and therefore unable to attend nursery and me missing work).

Since becoming a SAHM I have realised how hard it is because my DS is extremely clingy and also we are in the summer holidays so there are no playgroups to attend. He doesn't nap well and isn't easily entertained. We buy him toys and they take longer to put together than it does for him to lose interest. It is impossible for me to clean or get anything done when he's awake because he will literally just hang off my legs!

On top of this, my DH seems to expect me to do EVERYTHING. I'm supposed to do ALL the cleaning and also cook breakfast and dinner. I will admit that he has begun to treat me like a skivvy, which is something I have addressed with him multiple times. Every time I've spoken to him about it, he's hoovered and wiped the counters, etc, but that's only twice in the past 2 months.

I just feel like if I could have some help with the major cleaning, it would take a lot of the pressure off me, as right now I seem to be existing in a constant state of stress and failure.

Also, yes we can afford it, otherwise I would not be considering it.

Clearly I'm a deceitful cow because I'd just get a cleaner and not tell him. Least said, soonest mended as my gran used to say. She also said that what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over.

Haha, The demand that you work for him as an unpaid cleaner is unreasonable
Unreasonable?she has no financial responsibilities,no accommodation,food or utilities to pay for
So is it unreasonable that he’s the wage slave,sole responsibility to earn money

But he doesn’t get a say in how it’s spent?
Tbh if you only have 1 kid I can’t see why she can’t keep on top of it
Unless it’s a country pile.

finally convinced me that my income was irrelevant

That's always nice to hear.

No I don't think you should lie to your husband, I think you should stop cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen and making his breakfast.

I think you should tell him that unless he stops treating you like a skivvy he is jeopardising his marriage.

Can you try a childminder where he'll be exposed to a smaller number of other kids and their germs?
£750 seems a lot to lose (unless you are loaded)

I was bringing in £750/mo after nursery fees were the nursery fees coming out of your income alone then?

Tell him you’re thinking of going back to work. Mean it.

However he needs to have reasonable expectations of what is achievable
A house with a 18mth won’t be spotless,but it can be okay
Toddlers travel fast they have sticky wee hands,Lego gets everywhere

Don’t lie to your dh and don’t use personal budget for a cleaner. I’m at home with an 8 week old and a 3yo and slowly getting more cleaning done (3yo has two nursery days, but I book all appts for those days and I love snuggle time with the baby) . We share out what’s not done on the weekend. So, don’t clean the bathrooms. Tell dh you are taking the dcs to the park while he cleans them on the weekend and you can alternate weekends.

£750 a month is irrelevant? Gosh, can I have it?

I just so the drip feed. Get a cleaner, say it’ll be good to have them in a routine for you to go back to work. Dickhead. And stop making his breakfasts. If a man ever wants his partner to not work and thinks he gets final say on spending money personally the relationship should be seriously looked at.

DS was a nightmare. At 18 months he was on one nap 20 minute 8.30 in the morning - he'd have been up at 5. Awake at least 3 times at night. Never went to bed until about 9. Would not let me out of his sight without shouting the place down. My house was chaos. I was fucked. I ended up putting him in nursery 2 half days a week just to get stuff done. He hated it. My DH wouldn't let me get a cleaner because basically he couldn't be arsed tidying up his stuff before the cleaner came. DS hated nursery and now I wish I had just got the cleaner. Do it OP but tell him.

You sound like your not enjoying being a SAHM as you can't keep on top of the cleaning, so this is stressing you out. What cleaning do you mean ? Could you not take your 18 month around the house with you and get him involved. My DS has only just turned 1,I take him into each room with me. He gets a cloth and "helps" to wipe things down, he passes me clothes that have been washed and need hanging up, he puts things in the wash basket or the little bin he has. He loves being mummies little helper, would something like this help or do you just want a cleaner.
I think it's a terrible idea to lie to your hubby, I hate liars. Did you not have this discussion before you give up work?

I'm supposed to do ALL the cleaning and also cook breakfast and dinner. I will admit that he has begun to treat me like a skivvy

Stop cleaning and stop making his fucking dinners for him. Who does he think he is?

Just seen the update - *go back to work share the nursery fees proportionatelyg.
Yes babies when at nursery can get opportunistic illnesses, but it passes
My dc got conjunctivitis,chickenpox,ear ache,colds,hand,foot,mouth illness
BUT at school, nothing,Nadda.not a single day off wheras kids who’d not been nursery were off with all the above

I want a secret cleaner.

DP refuses to get a cleaner, problem is he is SAHD so not sure how I'd manage to keep it from him

he has begun to treat me like a skivvy,

finally convinced me that my income was irrelevant

Sigh

Op,email your boss.explain you made a terrible mistake ask for job back

So what would actually happen if you didn't make his breakfast and dinner and didn't clean the loo??
Just wondering how he would actually react?

How would that help? It's going against her husband just as much as employing a cleaner.

I'd say you either need to tell your husband "good news! I've hired a cleaner", or stay on top of it yourself, which I truthfully think should not be impossible with one 18 month old and one house.

Your husband shouldn't be able to just decide you can't have a cleaner, and you shouldn't be lying to him about this.

That was to Lipstick.

Patriarchy and convention convinces women they need to be the parent giving up work

Who on earth does he think he is???!!!!
He persuaded you to give up work and now he's not happy that you're not managing full time with a toddler and a house but refuses to allow a cleaner that you can afford!

I'd tell him to fuck right off. You either get significant help in the home or you're going back to work. Or you could suggest that if he thinks he can manage it all better then maybe he'd fancy having a go.

Stand up for yourself woman!

No bourbonbiccy, I am not enjoying being a SAHM at all. The cleaning I mean is properly cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the kitchen and dining room, etc. I know it sounds like we have a huge house, but it's 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 1 WC, dining room, kitchen, lounge, etc. It just seems like as soon as I clean them, they are dirty again and it takes me a week to get back around to doing it again because I have to do laundry and basic cleaning like tidying up etc when he's asleep most days.

I completely appreciate that plenty of people won't understand my situation. But everyone has their own issues and this is mine. I feel like I would enjoy being a SAHM a lot more if I didn't have the "deep cleaning" hanging over my head.

As for the comments regarding my DH's unilateral veto of my request for a cleaner, yes this is very typical of him. He's extremely controlling and it's a major issue in our relationship. But I suppose those details are neither here nor there with regard to this post.