Secret cleaner?

[ButtermilkBiscuits]

Basically I am a SAHM of an 18 mo old DS. He is a handful that I struggle to keep entertained all day and he's not a very good napper. Most days I'm lucky to get him down for an hour at most. As a result, I cannot stay on top of the housework properly. I've asked my DH if we can get a cleaner for the bathrooms and kitchen etc and he has flat out said no. I've explained that it's impossible to get anything done when DS is awake and when he's asleep I'm rarely able to get much done because he doesn't sleep for long. I've also explained the amount of stress that I constantly feel because the house isn't as clean as it should be. Still a firm NO.

The thing is, I'm largely in control of the finances. DH has his own business and he sends me 90% of the money he earns and keeps the other 10% for himself and materials as needed. He never checks my bank account or questions me about money. All of the bills come out of my account and also our savings is attached to my account. The only control he has is to tell me what to put in savings and what to keep on the current account but he never follows up or looks at the balances.

WIBU to just employ a cleaner behind his back? He'd never know and it would take a lot of my stress away but I'm not sure if that would be a breach of trust? AIBU?

I'd just say I was getting a cleaner and my word was final on the matter.

I was calling the poster with the full time cleaner the Duchess of Cambridge. I'm really sorry that upset you, OP. And I'm sorry that your thread took the direction it did - I thought it was completely out of order.

Ha, you could ask "Is my husband being unreasonable?" instead ;)

He clearly thinks that cleaning is a part of SAHP job. Which isn't unreasonable in itself. What is though is him being so rigid about "how things must be", instead of seeing that what's actually physically possible varies from person to person, household to household. He is acting as your employer, which is wrong. He is your equal and you are a team.
I'd say that it's either 1) a cleaner or 2) "cleaner and I'm going back to work". I think you know deep in your heart that being financially dependent on a controlling partner is a bad situation (and, sorry, you are, for he is doing just that: showing you he's a boss, with his categorical refusals).

Finally, we don't have kids so I can't imagine how much a child would add to cleaning/tidying up workload, but I'm a housewife and, in my view, cleaning is not going round the place with a mop/duster constantly, picking up after everybody all the time, but doing a job once a week (2-3 hours) and everyone who messed up tidies after themselves. Even a small kid can be taught to make their bed.

best don't lie to your husband though. He clearly trusts you (i.e. not checking the accounts) and it would be bruising. Just admit the problem and offer the solutions. But guilt-tripping from him is not one of them.

I went back to work FT+ after I had our daughter. DH looked after her FT, and we had a cleaner. DD was like your child OP - constantly on the go and wanting attention, and couldn’t be left. It was exhausting and having a cleaner was never a matter we had any doubt about. I used to help a lot at weekends whether by taking DD out to give DH a break, or doing cooking. It didn’t last long, that dynamic, but it was really important that we all pulled together at a time when things were stretched. We were lucky to be able to afford a cleaner and in the grand scheme of things it helped our sanity and our relationship. Our relationship was stretched anyway, as I suspect most are, by having a child, but now DD is 18, it is a bit easier...

Can you not just pay for a one-off deep clean and just keep on top of it thereafter? Doesn’t take long to run the hoover round or wipe down the bath.

I hired a secret cleaner. DH and I work FT and have one DD. DH was really opposed to the idea but after he had a short spell in hospital I booked a cleaner as I couldn’t do it all. He found out the first day she came! He asked me outright, I told him that the house elves had been and we laughed about it. The cleaner is still in place.

I had a clingy toddler who barely slept, bf and didn’t sleep properly till about 10 months in so was flipping exhausted and also had a controlling husband with much higher cleaning standards than me (his weekly clean of a standard sized bathroom would take two hours). We had a cleaner every other week. I kept on top of laundry, cooking, tidying down at the end of the day. If you can afford it and it’s stressing you out, I think you should revisit the conversation. There was no way I could keep the house mopped daily, all toys away by the time my husband came home, on top of all the laundry etc and go to some baby groups for sanity. I’m lucky that he came from a culture where it’s more common to have cleaners and help with childcare. He sounds like your DH on the control side of things though, that’s why he’s now my ex. I managed to clean much more when my eldest was a tot. They were just very different.

Get a cleaner OP and also do put little one in nursery 2 or 3 afternoons a week to give yourself a break. You are probably already burnt out from having a really stressful job and could really do with some respite to get your energy back.

Oh and ignore the crass comments on here they can have a

Hey @Bluelady no worries, I apologise for my response, I should have RTFT properly!

I still have no idea what to do about a cleaner. I suppose it's the least of my problems though.

Why do you need his permission to hire a cleaner?

Just do it and tell him. No need to secrecy.

Oh also the nursery is another no go. DH said MIL can watch DS a couple of days a week but I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than let her keep him on a regular basis. She's lovely but she's nearly bedridden! She gets up and sits in a chair in the lounge all day and only changes his nappy when she smells it or it leaks. Every time she keeps him, he comes back with nappy rash. I love my son too much to send him over there any more than absolutely necessary.

Does your dh care for you or your ds at all? It doesn’t sound much like it.

Ok so he is saying no to a nursery and a cleaner? Sounds like he resents you being a sahm a bit tbh. It happens. It's shit obviously but it happens.

Ask him how HE is going to help then.

Oh lovey, you sound worn out
Have some and a

SAHM doesn't suit everyone and it definitely sounds not the right thing for you. It's worth a conversation with your OH to say it's just not working, you've given it a go but you're hiring a cleaner and applying for jobs.

Your son will be fine. Yes, loads of bugs for 6 months (I worked in a school for a while and caught a new virus every week, damn it) but nothing too worrisome.

I loved being a SAHM/WAHM; many of my best friends missed work and were delighted to return. All the kids did just fine.

My main concern is that your OH is being so controlling so early in your parenting experiences. This is not a healthy state of affairs.

Just stop cleaning at all. He will suggest and of course if it’s his idea....

She's lovely but she's nearly bedridden

In which case it's totally unfair of DH to expect her to look after a child for 2 days a week.

Does he have any consideration for the women around him at all?

Oh and to all the "let DS entertain himself" replies - you never had a child like my DD! She'd have hurt herself or broken something within 10 min of being left to her own devices

That is what playpens were invented for.

There is no need to do all the housework if you don't want to, but no need to pretend that its complete impossible with one small child.

He expects his cleaning and childminding to be done for free doesn't he.

This is madness; does your husband ask you when he needs new shoes? You're in the house, he isn't as much, tell him you're getting a cleaner.

That is what playpens were invented for.

DD1 would have been standing rocking the bars and screaming blue murder within 15 min of being in one. I'm not averse to leaving a child to scream for a bit but not just so I can do the cleaning if we can afford a cleaner! Also not convinced they can contain wilful toddlers (as opposed to babies) particularly well, suspect toddler DD1 would have pushed one over quite quickly and toddler DD2 would have scaled it and been out...

I don't know what OP's child is like of course but she describes him as a handful so I'm guessing he's not the type to sit happily in a playpen.

We have a playpen but like pp it's really not ideal. I'll admit that I hate to leave my DS to scream his head off which is why I struggle to get anything done. Also I resent having to jump and clean the second he's asleep.

Basically I'm up at 5:30 with DS every single day, and I cook breakfast and dinner and the only breaks I get are when he naps which is when I have to clean. He is up until 8:30 every night by which time I'm exhausted so I just feel like I get no "me" time.

I suppose I shouldn't expect "me" time with a child. Does everyone hate their lives when they have a toddler?

I hate my life atm but that's because I'm at constant war with my dh. I'm at home with a two year old too. I also work from home 9.5 hours a week and do all cleaning. This does not make my life easier. What i hate is not being a sahm - that's what i wanted. What i hate is that i know I'm a shit, snappy, stressed sahm because I'm so so tired. This afternoon i had the physical shakes. I've started feeling dizzy every time i stand up. You are not alone but that doesn't mean something doesn't have to change

A) how do you think us mums manage to keep the house clean when we have three under 5?! And no way to afford a cleaner?! You just manage!

B) admittedly the house isn't spotless but it's passable unless you've got a controlling husband who is insisting on something that's impossible and doesn't make allowances for having children.

C) I think this is more about him controlling you and I think if he finds out you've hired a cleaner behind his back you will not like the consequences. Only way to deal with this is to stand up to him or ltb.

Playpens don't work forever- toddlers suss climbing...

I hated being a SAHM to a toddler - I now work a couple of short days and bloody love my breaks from the constant monitoring, distraction and resolving the trail of destruction that is life with an inquisitive toddler. Time apart improves my relationship with said toddler and her language skills leapt forward when she went to the childminder (who has a lovely group all more or less the same age as my DD...)

I have a toddler. And other kids. I don't hate my life and I do manage to clean the house. Not particularly well but then my standards are low.