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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
plominoagain · 04/08/2018 15:27

Would you let someone walk up to your son and steal the clothes from his back and the food from his plate ? Of course not . But cancel that direct debit , and that’s EXACTLY what you will be doing . Just because he says it’s your fault , doesn’t mean it is . He’s an arsehole who thought he could walk away from his responsibility with impunity . And he was wrong . Tough fucking luck .

guccihandbag · 04/08/2018 15:29

From my understanding following a conversation with CMS, the collect and pay is done up to the next annual review after which they may go back to direct pay. Not sure if this is only done in some circumstances though especially considering the time it can take to set up.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/08/2018 15:31

If he earns £1200 take home pay, pays rent of £500 and (round figure) £250 to CMS he's left with £450 ie £100+/week

I feed three adults, four dogs (one of them bloody enormous) and two cats on £50 - £60/week. We don't live on lobster and champagne, but we eat well and we don't starve.

If he can't feed one adult on about £20, leaving himself £80+ for everything else it's his own fault.

LakieLady · 04/08/2018 15:32

Lakie itsn’t that the child maintenance arrears ?

It would only be for arrears of maintenance if you (or someone else who's had a child fathered by him!) had applied to collect arrears of maintenance through the court, by means of an attachment of earnings order (or possibly deduction from earnings order, but they're less common).

It's one of the ways that a creditor can recover a debt, but they have to get a county court judgement first (or liability order in the magistrates court) then the attachment of earnings order. Or it could be payment of a fine or compensation to a crime victim.

The CMS have powers to deduct direct from wages, so don't need to go to court.

I honestly think he's bullshitting you, OP. Did you check the date on the payslip? If not, it could be from months ago.

Anyway, he didn't give a toss that you were struggling for money for the 7 years that he wasn't paying you, so why should you give a toss about him now? If he has to move to somewhere cheaper, or rent out a room, or get a 2nd job, that's his problem.

SlothSlothSloth · 04/08/2018 15:34

I think it’s irrelevant whether the £225 is from the CM/S or not. Either way you MUST stick to the direct pay.

Starlight345 · 04/08/2018 15:35

Op. He has had no interest in how you manage financially for 7 years.

How he manages his are not your issue . If he has a problem speak to cms . It doesn’t matter what is on his pay slip. Not your issue, where he lives . Not your issue...

Anytime he mentions it refer to cms. He has no intention of continuing to pay and so many people struggle to get on pay and collect.

I assume dad hasn’t been bothered paying for whatever treatment your Ds needs but , it can go into a pot for clothes , electric , clothes , uniform whatever you need you do not need to justify it. You do not need to spend your time speaking to cms about whether what he is saying is right or wrong .

Would you need to give up the treatment without his money would you want to risk that.

PerverseConverse · 04/08/2018 15:48

My son's dad said paying maintenance would "kill him financially" told me he might kill himself and wanted me to have an abortion and he'd need to get a second job. 4 years later he pays monthly through the CMA, has all the latest gadgets and games consoles, Alexa, a prolific vaping habit and never sees his son. No second job either.
Ignore your ex. He's talking crap to try and avoid paying. Tell him things will stay as they are (it's your choice, not his) and then ignore any future communication on the matter.

ThatLibraryMiss · 04/08/2018 15:52

So, your ex was abusive. He didn't pay anything for the upkeep of his own child for seven years. He tried his best to avoid CMS by not providing them with the information they wanted. And now you're sure he's totally trustworthy and will keep his promises.

And you're responsible to another human being?

He hates all the women in his family and has cut them off.

So what?

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 15:57

I’m worried he may kill himself over his debts as he was homeless before and would rather die than be homeless.

OP posts:
RoadToRivendell · 04/08/2018 15:59

Oh god, OP. Please, do not let him get into your headspace. His mental health is not your problem.

He is manipulating you. What about the 7 years that he didn't pay you? Couldn't you have just as easily been suicidal?

Block him.

sue51 · 04/08/2018 16:02

You are responsible for yourself and your child. His problems are his own concern, remember he gives not one shiny shit about you or his own dc.

SilverySurfer · 04/08/2018 16:03

Metaphorically slaps OP round the head with a wet haddock. Wake up woman. Has your ex contributed anything to the upkeep of your child during the past seven years? NO. Did he give a shit if you sank or swam financially during those seven years? NO. Is it likely he will pay you if you case the CMS agreement? NO. Is he even honest enough to show you the CMS deduction on the statement? NO. Court is not CMS.

Lastly and most importantly, should you give a shit if he loses his house because of paying for his own child after seven years of non-payment? NO

SilverySurfer · 04/08/2018 16:04

cease* the payment

anotherangel2 · 04/08/2018 16:06

If you think he is sucidial then contact the police and they will get him to the relevant mental health support. Only they can help in this situation.

If he is in a difficult financial situation it is because he failed to budget for supporting his child. He may need to live within his means on down size.

Whose financial security is more important to you? Your child’s or his?

OldBean2 · 04/08/2018 16:07

Dear OP, this is one of the reasons why the CMS exists, so it will not get guilted into reducing payments. This is not between you and your ex but between your ex and the CMS. They are the neutral party who sort this out without any form of favour.

I suggest you disengage and refer him back to the CMS. This is not your problem.

KTheGrey · 04/08/2018 16:16

Afraid I think you are still in an abusive relationship. Women's Aid freedom programme?

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/08/2018 16:19

Well if he dies that's on him not you.

Sensible course of action is;

Ignore.
Phone the police if he turns up.

Press charges for harassment if he doesn't pack it in.

It's a sunny Saturday, go and enjoy it rather than wasting head space on him.

ImAIdoot · 04/08/2018 16:22

If you messaged him saying you're struggling to keep your and your child's home I bet he'd tell you tough luck

To add to this, when he refused to contribute needed money for months, this is effect what he has already done.

When you needed money, he refused and given that it went on for months, doesn't seem to have given it a second thought. Screw you was the mindset when you needed him to live up to his obligations.

I'd tell him "we have already tried asking when help was needed, asked for months and you actively decided to leave that path. We are not going back to it now just because the shoe is on the other foot".

Ellie56 · 04/08/2018 16:24

OP do not stop the direct pay service. He will not pay voluntarily and then your poor child will have to go without again. Just think what you can do for your son with that extra money coming in. Maybe better or different treatments? A lovely holiday, a fabulous Christmas/birthday present etc etc.

Your Ex is just trying to pull a fast one because he doesn't want to support his child, you know the one he hasn't supported for SEVEN years. He just wants to spend the money on himself. Why would you give money (which is what you will be doing if you stop the payments) to this selfish shit so he can go out and get wasted/ buy the latest game console/ go on holiday while your child continues to go without? Stand up for your child and his rights!

Your ex is an abusive knob and you should block him on your phone and arrange all contact by email. If he threatens you contact the police. Maybe you should ring Women's Aid too.

wiilowmelangell · 04/08/2018 16:25

He is treating his son like an optional extra.
He is emotionally blackmailing you.
He has been defrauding the state for 7 years.

When your son is a grown man, would you silently stand by and let him act like this?

wiilowmelangell · 04/08/2018 16:25

He is treating his son like an optional extra.
He is emotionally blackmailing you.
He has been defrauding the state for 7 years.

When your son is a grown man, would you silently stand by and let him act like this?

wiilowmelangell · 04/08/2018 16:25

He is treating his son like an optional extra.
He is emotionally blackmailing you.
He has been defrauding the state for 7 years.

When your son is a grown man, would you silently stand by and let him act like this?

bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 16:28

I’m worried he may kill himself over his debts as he was homeless before and would rather die than be homeless.

NO.

NO, NO, NO.

He is an adult. He makes his own choices. His debts are NOT your responsibility. His rent is NOT your responsibility. His actions are HIS choice and NOT your responsibility.

OP you cannot live your life like this. If he is sufficiently mentally unstable to consider suicide, he needs help to deal with that. HE DOES NOT NEED YOUR SON'S MONEY.

TeachesOfPeaches · 04/08/2018 16:29

He might also be paying for another child

NaomiNagata · 04/08/2018 16:32

Are you a teenager or are you a grown woman?

You sound like you're still in high school. All the "but this, but that, but this".

This is a non issue. You're getting the payments; there is no need to change anything. He is earning enough to live on and pay what they want. He just needs to budget.

His debts are his fault. His life is his responsibility.

So just ignore him. Keep getting the payments and do not discuss it with him.