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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 04/08/2018 16:35

Just tell us where you live OP, we'll all come and give you a good shake to make you realise he is full of bullshit and you owe him NOTHING.

AnoukSpirit · 04/08/2018 16:36

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

Kidssendingmenuts · 04/08/2018 16:38

As Justin timberlake would say... cry me a river! Do not agree to his demands, if he comes threatening ring the police. X

gottastopeatingchocolate · 04/08/2018 16:41

Are you responding to all his messages, OP?
Would recommend that you do not. Make it clear that you have decided to continue as you are and IGNORE all further messages.

TheIcon · 04/08/2018 16:43

At the moment you get nowt, if he kills himself you wont be any worse off, but the feckless sperm donor will be out of you and your child's life forever. If he is as gutless as I expect, you'll get your money.

What's not to like.

AnExcellentUsername · 04/08/2018 16:51

OP you sseem determined to go along with what he's saying. That's fine. Just don't post again in a few months when he's given you fuck all.

Inertia · 04/08/2018 17:07

You have to stop engaging with your Ex's blackmail and threats.

You need to start putting your child first.

You ask whether you should give him a second chance- as a previous poster brilliantly pointed out, he has had 84 chances to pay via a private arrangement, and he has screwed you over every time. What kind of fool thinks he would be any different the 85Th time?

If he comes to your house, call the police.

If he threatens you, call the police.

If he threatens suicide, call the police.

He got himself into this predicament by not paying maintenance - he should have 7 years worth of payments to draw upon.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/08/2018 17:22

Excuse me interjecting, but... Justin Timberlake? What madness is this? No, no, Julie London or gtfo (my God, just listen to those low notes).

I also brought up the lovely Ella Fitzgerald for whom, apparently, it was originally written in the 1950s (and just listen to those high notes!). Crystal Gayle is worth a listen, Alison Moyet made a decent stab at it, Joe Cocker gave it a completely different spin. Justin can take a hike.

Sorry, as you were - apart from the music, I agree with what everyone has said above. I'm not sure it's possible to have a different viewpoint tbf, unless of course you're an abusive ex who isn't interested in his kid.

UpTheBumNoBabies · 04/08/2018 17:26

My ExH has said exactly the same and you know what, after years of receiving next to nothing, I couldn't give a fuck anymore. He's incurring the 20% charge because he's proved he can't be responsible for his own DC.

I felt the guilt for years, hence not doing it before now but why on earth should any of us feel guilty for a parent paying for their own child? It's crazy!

Do not cancel the direct pay.

He'll have to learn to budget better which is exactly what I've said to my ExH and that went down like a lead balloon.

MissContrary · 04/08/2018 17:28

Did he give a shit that you and HIS child could have lost your home when you were down that money every month? No. So there's no need for you to worry about him.

Starlight345 · 04/08/2018 17:33

Op . Your post if full of but but but.

I agree with pp stop engaging. He threatens to come ignore he turns up call the police, he threatens to kill himself inform the police. If he tells you his woe’s ignore.

How he copes with the situation he finds himself in not your issue . He is your EX

lasttimeround · 04/08/2018 17:45

What a scumbag to not pay for his own child. Dont help him swindle your son. And dont be a mug. Hes so blatantly trying it on with you its embarrassing.

BMW6 · 04/08/2018 17:53

Oh bloody hell OP will you ever give over fretting about this wankbadger and put your child front and center! Just stop it you sound like a love-struck teenager wailing "but I luuurve him"
Grrr.

altiara · 04/08/2018 18:07

Simple- either you want to get money from him or you don’t.

Caribbeanyesplease · 04/08/2018 18:14

Op he was likely only able to get the property he currently resides in because he has not paid a penny to you for child maintenance.

So if he does lose his house, then think of it as never rightfully being his in the first place.

GreenTulips · 04/08/2018 18:15

You have no need to engage in any conversation with him

Repeat 'that's nice' and he'll get bored and annoy someone else

Stop being a pawn in his game - check out and stop listening - not your problem

BIWI · 04/08/2018 18:25

Hmm. Advanced search is interesting.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/08/2018 18:27

Yes, isn't it, I'm out.

Marley45 · 04/08/2018 18:32

Hundreds of posters have told you not to cancel the Direct Pay and you are still saying ‘I don’t know what to do.’
Were you expecting everyone to tell you that it was a good idea and he’ll definitely keep
paying of his own accord?

Jaxhog · 04/08/2018 18:35

Why would you feel bad? He hadn't supported your child for 7 years and you feel bad for him? Be an advocate for your child
You know he won't pay, don't you.

FinallyHere · 04/08/2018 18:37

@auntyflonono Tell him you will look into back claiming the 7 years worth if he doesnt shut up and stop bothering you.

This ^

  • It is hard, I've always been someone whose put someone else's needs before my own and the relationship I had with my ex was very abusive. But what was many years ago.

I'm going to continue with the way things are and see how that pans out.*

Good for you OP.

BigChocFrenzy · 04/08/2018 18:37

Oh bloody hell, when will I learn to check on these kinds of user names.
Thanks, BIWI, I won't waste any more time on this tale

ichifanny · 04/08/2018 18:39

I’d be suicidal if I was a piece of shit who put myself first over my baby and stole money from them . Fuck him OP not your problem , he’s trying to manipulate you , don’t let him seriously I can assure you paying £50 a month doesn’t make someone suicidal .

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 18:51

Why are you searching on my Advance searche History. That’s very stalk-ish. What happens in my personal life has nothing to do with this thread.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/08/2018 18:52

He won't kill himself - he might pretend to try in order to force your hand, but he won't kill himself.

He's too self-obsessed, controlling and manipulative.

In the highly unlikely scenario that his threat goes wrong and he does end up dead (HIGHLY UNLIKELY - HE'LL MAKE SURE HE'S FOUND "IN TIME") it is on HIS head, not yours.

Anouk - thank you for the YouTube link