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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
WankStainWasher · 04/08/2018 14:04

Dear Mumsnet

Please may we have a virtual "slap" added to the smileys list?

I would dearly love to use it in this instance on the OP, who has been supported unwaveringly by 100% of the respondents to this thread, yet still comes back with "Yes, but...." in every response.

Some people simply refuse to be helped. Angry

Fuzzywig · 04/08/2018 14:06

He’s really laying the emotional blackmail on with a trowel.

He hasn’t paid any child support in years.

You want to use the money to pay for your child’s medical expenses.

Why arn’t his relatives talking to him? Because of this? If that’s the case why did they speak to him throughout the years he never paid a penny to support his child?

CM have tried to contact him and agree a payment plan with him - he refused and gave them the runaround but have eventually put a plan in place which he has to pay.

If you cancel this payment plan you won’t get a penny from him, your child won’t get whatever it is you want to buy for him, and you will never hear fback I’m your ex again unless it’s to laugh at you or take the piss.

I read on here a long time ago that your partner has a twin - an evil twin. You don’t tend to see the evil twin until your relationship is falling apart.

Send him a message telling him no then block him. You will be taking money from your child, money your child needs if you cancel the payment.

Elephant14 · 04/08/2018 14:07

OP if you are worried etc as you say then get clarification. Use your worry constructively. Visit your local CAB or make a telephone appointment and go through it with them, they will be able to make enquiries on your behalf.

StatisticallyChallenged · 04/08/2018 14:08

So even assuming he's being truthful; if he's on £300 a week that would be giving him a net of about £1165 a month.

Out of that he pays £500 rent and £225 maintenance. Leaves him £440 to live on.

Sure, it's not going to be luxury but there are plenty of people in this country who live on less after their rent is paid. And he's a grown man; if he doesn't like it he can find a better or second job.

bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 14:08

*Is it just him living off the £1200 a month?

Yes, just him. His rent is £500.00 pcm*

And so it is crystal clear that the child maintenance payments, let alone the extra amount because it goes through Collect and Pay, cannot possibly be putting his home at risk.

KirstyJC · 04/08/2018 14:10

I can't believe you are feeling sorry for someone who hasn't paid for his child for 7 years. If he can't afford to rent his house whilst paying the child maintenance then he will have to move somewhere cheaper. If you didn't have enough money to live in your house and feed and clothe your child, you would move, yes? Well so will he. He has enough money to live with that rent - he has 700 pcm left over. It doesn't cost one person that much to live on even with the maintenance payments. He will just have to tighten his belt - presumably like he expected you to do in the 7 years he paid fuck all for his child. Scumbag. Stop feeling sorry for him and start feeling angry for your child.

diddl · 04/08/2018 14:13

"Some people simply refuse to be helped."

It's infuriating, isn't it?

I get that that there's a connection because of the son, but when I read the guff that these arseholes come out with to get out of paying the absolute minimum that they should for their own child, and the woman starts to waver...

I just want to scream-"why do you give any fucks at all about them?"

LakieLady · 04/08/2018 14:16

He showed me his payslip, and the £225 figure is true. But, it said the person, who was taking out the money, is called "court" (I wasn't sure if that was from CMS).

A payslip deduction that says "court" is for something called an attachment of earnings order. That's NOT a CMS order, it's for something like a debt where the court has ordered that it's repaid at a certain rate, in this case £225 pcm. Someone has sued him for debt or unpaid council tax or something, possibly victim surcharge, or even child maintenance paid under a court order.

Deductions for CMS are shown as CMS or sometimes CSA, if his employer hasn't updated their software.

I think he's lying to you, and the CMS deduction doesn't appear on that payslip.

auntyflonono · 04/08/2018 14:18

Tell him you will look into back claiming the 7 years worth if he doesnt shut up and stop bothering you.

madcatladyforever · 04/08/2018 14:20

Well he'll just have to get a lodger like I did to pay the bills won't he? i wouldn't agree to anything with him personally.

RebootYourEngine · 04/08/2018 14:20

HE IS LYING.

I would just ignore him.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 14:21

Lakie itsn’t that the child maintenance arrears ?

OP posts:
SalsaLala · 04/08/2018 14:23

Do not entertain this in any way, shape or form. He’s so obviously trying it on!!

Clutterbugsmum · 04/08/2018 14:24

Does he have another child you know nothing and the difference is going to the other child.

I wouldn't cancel CMS as he will just stop paying again. He needs to find other means to 'save' his house.

Enko · 04/08/2018 14:25

Op
He says: he pays 225 a month you reply" Oh that doesn't sound right you better get back to CMS and query that"

He says: He can't afford the rent if he has to pay that much " oh Im sorry your struggling you better get back to CMS and sort it out"

He says: he wants to stop using the direct debit "I'm sorry but due to what has happened for the last 7 years I can't trust you to pay so that's not possible I can't allow our son to go without"

He has to sort it out NOT YOU. it is HIS fault due to what HE did.. Nothing to do with you.

If he struggles with a 500 rent he finds a cheaper place to live its called living within your means.. You know like adults do

Brandnewshit · 04/08/2018 14:26

So op, what are you going to do? you asked aibu, you've had a pretty much yes response
Wanky deadbeat ex vs your child?

dairymilkisevil · 04/08/2018 14:28

OP you seriously need to grow a backbone.

Otherwise you'll find people here give up.

NotTheFordType · 04/08/2018 14:31

Also it's extremely easy to buy fake payslips.
www.replaceyourdoc.com/payslips.html

Don't believe a bloody word he says. Stop engaging. Just keep repeating "I won't be changing the arrangements." If he comes to your place don't let him in, if he causes a scene then call police.

TemptressofWaikiki · 04/08/2018 14:31

Just burst out laughing about the ‘virtual slap’ button because was thinking exactly the same. I mean here is a man with a long track record of being an unreliable, dishonest shitgibbon but OP is reacting like a simpering fool. So, you actually take his word over pretty obvious facts?! His figures make no sense. Besides, he has still enough to live on after paying rent and deductions, or he could get a second part time job if really short of money. He just doesn’t want to pay for his child. You know, like he didn’t for 7 years! There are many perfectly logical reasons for this amount, most likely a court fine, totally separate from child support. Are you seriously putting your child’s needs and entitlement behind some spurious claims? And even if it were actually money taken by CMS, it could be for another child you do not know about. Given his shitty payment morale, he was probably taken to court. Get your priorities straight!

HateIsNotGood · 04/08/2018 14:32

Yes OP - I think the £226 is the £140 + Arrears + Fees. CMS confirmed it can sometimes appear as "Court". You could just tell him that it will go down once the arrears are paid off. The Arrears built up while he was ducking and diving the CMS.

Don't know what to suggest though as my concern would be not him but how this might affect his relationship with DS.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/08/2018 14:33

It’s infuriating that you’re even considering this.

That you’d give him so much power, so much control, and put it higher than the welfare of your own child, is so wrong.

You need to focus on being a good mother, focus on caring for your child. It took seven years to set this up. Don’t be fooled and manipulated.

Do you still want him to care about you - is that why you want to obey him? Is that more important than your child?

Stay strong and don’t budge.

Branleuse · 04/08/2018 14:39

tell him its not your problem, and he had seven years to sort it out privately

AngelsSins · 04/08/2018 14:42

You’ve been supplementing him for 7 years! 7 years you’ve basically been supporting his kids AND him, and has he ever been worried about if you would lose YOUR house due to that, or that his kids may not have things they needed?

Hes had 7 years to sort himself out, and all that time he didn’t see you or the kids as his problem, why on earth does he think his finances should be your problem now?

SlothSlothSloth · 04/08/2018 14:42

Oh dear, OP. Sorry to be harsh but you sound like a bit of a doormat. Clearly he realises this and is trying to take advantage.

Whether or not he loses his home is none of your concern. This is a problem he has created for himself.

Please be strong and ignore his nonsense!

SusanneLinder · 04/08/2018 14:43

OP...stop being a wet blanket! Angry. Who is your priority here? Your son or your ex. Firstly, I was in your position and had my ex on the phone bleating about maintenance. Often he didn't pay and the CSA ( as it was then), finally chased him through courts. 24k he owed me. I got the last payment when my oldest daughter was getting MARRIED. Thats how long it took.
He has to pay for his son...end of. Would his landlord say he didn't need to pay rent?
He can afford to pay it, he will just have to budget like everyone else.
Cancel nothing....he won't pay a bolt. Bitter experience taught me that!