AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

[Illshowyoumine]

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

if he is so hard up maybe he needs to get a second job to top up (& yes I know some of it might come to Your SON but that's tough it wont be all of it) just a question to someone else on here - would maintenance be taken off income so he could claim hb? He has gained from not paying your son upkeep - you know he's not trust worthy but he's a manipulator - tell him to stop or you will contact the police

Thank you everyone for your comments.

It is hard, I've always been someone whose put someone else's needs before my own and the relationship I had with my ex was very abusive. But what was many years ago.

I'm going to continue with the way things are and see how that pans out.

this is emotional abuse

He's still being abusive.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He could have paid £150 a month if he engaged with the legal process earlier. This is 100% his fault.

For fuck's sake stop enabling him to be a shit father. Repeat after us "This situation is 100% his fault" His son deserves the money and stop being so weak about declining it. He has money to live on and he's using you.

He will dick you about. It'll start with the amount being short then shift to excuses like "I have to pay for Christmas" then become "I can't pay you until next month" et

Well bloody well put someone else's needs before your own then.

Your fucking child.

"This situation is 100% his fault"

He says it's my fault. But all of you are right. I need to get a backbone.

if he can't afford to keep his house he'll have to live cheaper.
he doesn't sound like he was against having children, well we all have to pay to raise our children. why should he be any different?
if you don't stop him from abusing you, it's been 7 years now, you have gained nothing from leaving him.
Same shit, different location.

*Well bloody well put someone else's needs before your own then.

Your fucking child.*

Afeckingmen!!!

If it helps look at it as putting your sons needs before anyone elses.

And the only person who is saying is it remotely your fault is him. Sadly the fact that your relationship with him was highly abusive comes through and he is trying to manipulate and control you

Grrr. When I think of all the things single mothers have to do to make sure their child is fed, clothed and has a roof over their head.

Don’t be a mug OP
Put your son first here

That amount is deemed entirely reasonable by an independent body
Have you worked out what caring for your son is costing and indeed has cost you for the 7 years your ex decided he didn’t care enough about his own child to support him?

Get real
Call the police if he threatens you
Tell him you will trust in the CM payments and that your son needs it.

Then ignore/ block him and do not DO NOT listen to any of his bullshit and stop letting him tell you all about it. His income and rent are none of yor concern. He can manage his finances just as you have had to.

I'llshowyoumine
You don't need a backbone you need support.
To ask on here for advice means you know somthing is wrong with what he said. Abuse is abuse he needs to stop it. You have obviously had years of this to wear ypu down to it. You are doing great listening to us to not cancel dd. When in doubt of your safety call the police and explain what's he is doing

Do NOT feel sorry for this man.

He has brought the extra payment on himself because he is a tight-arsed wanker who didn't give a damn whether or not his child had a roof over his head or food on his plate, let alone a decent quality of life.

I'll bet my bottom dollar he is lying and that the minute you call off the maintenance services he will stop pay again. He has had 7 years scot-free (I don't think you get anything backdated, do you?).

He won't lose his home - this is a ploy, and if he does - tough! Not your fault, it's his for being a tosser and not paying up front.

Your son is ENTITLED to this money for his maintenance. You are ENTITLED not to have to worry about scrimping and saving to buy new football boots or whatever else he needs.

You're ex is a liar and a bully. Call the police if he tries anything. And DON'T call off the CMS. You will regret it if you do.

Ignore the text re all the women in his family, but keep it. Keep on ignoring that when he brings it up again. This is not about his female relatives, it is about his child. And as his ex, you are not related to him, so again it’s not relevant.

And right now you are right for putting someone else’s needs before your own. But that someone else is your child, not his abusive father.

As pp have said, he is probably lying about the payments and he will not keep up payments if you agree to this.

You're still seeking his approval.

Have a Mug emoji in lieu of a Virtual Slap one.

You can still be someone who puts someone else before yourself. YOUR CHILD. PUT YOUR CHILD WHO NEEDS TREATMENT FIRST. God knows his dad doesn’t give a shit.

Don't even think about it!! Too bad for him, maybe he needs to get a second job. Boo hoo.

So He expects his child to support him!

Your exes only priority is himself. He gives not a shit about how you have managed all these years. Take the money via CMS and be happy they did a good enough job to collect it.

Tell him you are too busy drinking champagne and eating Caviar to hear of his financial troubles.

Op I realise that this sounds nasty but I'm just going to call it as I see it; I'm having a shit day and in no mood for diplomacy or making excuses for feckless fathers so sorry in advance if it comes out harsh.

You are a mother. Your son and his welfare come before anyone and anything else. Bloody well act like it. He isn't your problem. Who cares if he was homeless? He didn't give a shit where his little boy was living when he was dodging maintenance.

Put your child first because someone has to and it sure as hell isn't his useless test of a father.

If you cancel the payments THEY WILL NOT CHASE HIM A SECOND TIME. That is in caps to make sure you see it if you're skimming. It's like council housing, you give it up, that's your problem, they won't help you again. If he loses his home, that isn't your problem. He has family; your son only has you. Grow a backbone for his sake. If ex comes round, call the police.

OP, don't be foolish and give up CMS payments. Your ex is playing you for a fool, don't prove him right!

You have to put your DS first- that means getting his father to support him financially (if nothing else). Something his father hasn't done for 7 years. If you let the direct payment go, I very much doubt he'll pay what he's due for very long (if at all). And then where will you be? As CMS will be reluctant to go through it all again.

Why would you risk it all on a man who has proven himself to untrustworthy and is trying to emotionally blackmail you? And now you have not instantly agreed to his demand, he is now threatening to come round (presumably to try and intimidate you or lay a further guilt trip). Don't let yourself and your son down by giving in.

IF your ex loses his flat, that's on him. He has chosen not to support his son for the last 7 years. He is the one who forced the CMS to do direct payment as he chose not to co-operate. He is the author of his own misfortune, if his sob story is even true (and I have my doubts).

Or look at it another way- how bothered was your ex about how you and your DS were putting a roof over your head, food on the table and clothes on your child's back? Not bothered one iota, I'd wager- certainly not bothered enough to contribute a single penny! So why on earth are you getting yourself upset about his housing problems? Don't be a mug, he can sort himself out- if he can't, it's not your fault.

How the hell is not paying maintenance for 7 years your fault Op?

I did see the £225, but the name, where the money was taken from, was called "court".

As goldfish has said "court" is nothing to do with the CMS. He's got himself into trouble and is paying off fines. How many payslips have you seen? This payment might be a one-off - but even if it's every month for 20 years, it has NOTHING TO DO WITH CHILD MAINTENANCE!

Grrr! seriously OP

PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST NOT YOUR USELESS EX WHO DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIS CHILD'S WELFARE!!!!!!!!!!