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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed

167 replies

jamoncrumpets · 04/08/2018 08:38

I got married 5 years ago and DF v generously gave us £2k towards the wedding. We paid the rest ourselves, approx £3k (mix of savings and credit cards). It wasn't a huge wedding but everybody was very well fed and watered, which is just how we wanted it to be. It's all paid off now.

DSis has just got engaged. Wants a reasonably quickie wedding. DF is giving her £5k for her wedding because 'she hasn't got anything saved'.

AIBU to be a bit miffed, and to tell him so?

DF has form for this, seems to think we're much more loaded than we really are. No idea why, because I'm v honest about our finances and we don't live like kings (though we do live within our means). He recently gave my DSis some money towards a car, even though I bought one (nothing fancy, less than £2k) a year ago and got nothing. DSis has had three holidays this year. We've had none.

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 04/08/2018 08:46

Firstly, it’s his money and not really anyone else’s business what he does with it.
My dm gave my little sister money but she earned less than me and had been through a nasty divorce with her ex doing his best to clean her out.
I don’t mind. She needed it.

MsVestibule · 04/08/2018 08:46

This would annoy me. Yes, it's his money to do what he wants with but it does seem really unfair that because she spends her money on holidays etc. she gets a lot more money from him.

Whether you should say anything about it to him, I don't know. Do you have that type of relationship?

Fishface77 · 04/08/2018 08:47

I’d have to say something.

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 04/08/2018 08:51

Part of me obviously thinks he can do what he wants with his money and that it's not my business. But a little part, a childish part I admit, thinks 'it's not fair'.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 04/08/2018 08:52

I should point out that I also have two kids and she has none.

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 04/08/2018 08:56

Are her earnings and her dps earnings comparable to yours?
Is she pregnant, hence the desire to be married quickly? Any other reason for the rush?
I don’t see how you can grumble without it sounding ungrateful to be honest.

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 04/08/2018 08:58

Her earnings are comparable, yes. We were higher earners when we got married but we lived in London so had v high outgoings. I'm a SAHM now and DH's wage is about as much as hers and her partners' combined.

OP posts:
Madonnasmum · 04/08/2018 08:58

I can understand you would be miffed. I imagine she goes to him cap in hand with tales of being hard up, and your dad then helps out. My DS does the same for dinner monies and kids clubs and my DP pay them and God knows what else. Even though she has cash for fancy skincare etc!

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 04/08/2018 08:59

She is in her early 40s, and wants to marry before having a baby - so obvs wants to crack on.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 07/08/2018 15:52

Update. Dad is giving her £5k. I might have to say something at some point or I will burst.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 07/08/2018 15:52

I meant to say 'def giving her £5k'

OP posts:
frecklesMaybe · 07/08/2018 15:54

The only "fair" thing to do is ask him for a cheque for the balance.

Frogscotch7 · 07/08/2018 15:57

It’s crap and not fair but you’ve no right to be treated equally. All you can do is make a note to always treat your own kids equally so they don’t resent you the way you’ve been left feeling.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 15:57

YANBU. It is unfair to treat one child differently - actually especially when they are adults. Yes, yes, we know it’s his money blah blah but it causes hurt in one side.

VickyEadie · 07/08/2018 15:58

My parents (and now just my Dad since Mum died) have been subbing one of my relatives every single week for years now (I've conservatively estimated it at around £10K in total.

Whilst it irks the crap out of me (and I do not want or need their money, I hasten to add), it's their/his choice.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 15:58

...on one side

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 15:59

I really dislike those who queue up to Sao it ya his right. We KNOW that bit.🙄

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 15:59

...to say it is his right

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 16:00

Decent parents do not do this sort of thing.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 16:01

Grumbling about it is not being ungrateful!! Wtf?

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 16:03

Three holidays? Hmmmmm

BasicUsername · 07/08/2018 16:05

Say something. It will only fester if you don't, and has the potential to blow up later down the line.

However, I can't honestly see a very easy way out for your dad at this point.

Your sister will be cross if she was told she was getting 5k, and then finds it reduced to 2k.

That's his problem to deal with though. He should have been fair from the start.

BasicUsername · 07/08/2018 16:07

What do you think is the most fair thing for your dad to do?

Singlenotsingle · 07/08/2018 16:07

He's probably pleased and relieved that she's finally getting married, and wants to help her on her way. Maybe he thinks you're now safely hitched with DH and dc and you didn't need quite so much help. And there's inflation to take into account...

AJPTaylor · 07/08/2018 16:07

Point it out.

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