To be a bit miffed

[jamoncrumpets]

I got married 5 years ago and DF v generously gave us £2k towards the wedding. We paid the rest ourselves, approx £3k (mix of savings and credit cards). It wasn't a huge wedding but everybody was very well fed and watered, which is just how we wanted it to be. It's all paid off now.

DSis has just got engaged. Wants a reasonably quickie wedding. DF is giving her £5k for her wedding because 'she hasn't got anything saved'.

AIBU to be a bit miffed, and to tell him so?

DF has form for this, seems to think we're much more loaded than we really are. No idea why, because I'm v honest about our finances and we don't live like kings (though we do live within our means). He recently gave my DSis some money towards a car, even though I bought one (nothing fancy, less than £2k) a year ago and got nothing. DSis has had three holidays this year. We've had none.

So at the time of your marriage your earnings were not comparable and you earned a lot more then as you worked? And your dad still gave you 2 grand?

I'm not sure it's fair to compare your earnings now, because they have dropped, but compare at the time. Your dad I assume wouldn't know your outgoings.

So could he simply see you both earned a lot more st the time so his contribution was less? She earns a lot less than you did then, so his contribution is more?

Yes, point it all out or it will fester.

We have three adult children. We try to be scrupulously fair about giving them money. I've seen what damage it can do in families where the parents give more to one child than others and although it is absolutely their 'right', their money etc etc, I think it's grossly insensitive and unwise.

One of our children is much less well off then the others but they know we will make sure it all evens out and we are careful to keep a note of what we give so we can balance it out in the future. I'm not surprised you are upset about this OP.

I would feel extremely miffed too OP and I would say something.

And YY to RoseWhiteTips, I find those who sanctimoniously point out that the OP has no rights to that money extremely irritating. We and they know that, it is the unfairness that is the problem.

I asked my DSis what her budget was, she said 'No idea', then sent me a link to a £2000 dress. I asked her how much she had saved, she said 'nothing'. She said she had 'no idea' (again) that my DH and I paid for so much of our wedding ourselves, which makes her a bit of a CF in my eyes - thinking she can get a whole wedding without paying a penny herself.

At the time @Bluntness100 we were living and working in London, where our outgoings we much much higher.

The thing is he probably didn't mean to be unfair.

Five years ago he thought 2 k was reasonable based on what the op and her husband earned, he may also have had financial constraints.

Fast forward five years and this sister earns a lot less than the op did at the time so he thinks she needs more support and he has the money.

I doubt it was malicious op, more lack of thought,

Your sister is taking handouts. It’s all fine and dandy for her, it seems.

Also @Bluntness100 we live in the SE and have two kids to support on our money. She has had, until 6 months ago when she met her fiancé, only had to support herself, in a much cheaper location.

It’s about lack of sensitivity and about unfairness. The end.

If she'd saved instead of going on those holidays she'd easily have had over £2000 already... just saying...

Ok so what do you wish to do about it? Are you going to ask him for 3k?

Are you playing devil’s advocate @Bluntnes100?

I'm going to say 'well that's more than double what you gave us, which seems unfair, but it's your money at the end of the day'

Bluntness...

I'm going to mention it. Just once. I'm not going to say anything after that.

If you do say something, I can guarantee your dad will see you as greedy - not saying you are but it will be perceived that way. I have no idea whether we've been fair to our four, we've given them what they've needed when they needed it. The thought that any of them are totting up what they've had and are comparing it with the others is repellent. I'd be deeply disappointed if they are.

I think your father has to be made aware, OP, that you are unhappy about this way of handling things. Yes, he may continue to
dish out his money in this blatantly unfair way, but he will now know you have been affected by his choices. You should not be in this position.

I think your father has to be made aware, OP, that you are unhappy about this way of handling things. Yes, he may continue to dish out his money in this blatantly unfair way, but he will now know you have been affected by his choices. You should not be in this position.

Does she ask for money? Do you ask for money?

Dont ask - dont get...maybe shes just more forward about asking.

But yes, I would be annoyed. My grandmother has helped me out in the past and I would fully appreciate if she wanted to help out others in the same way - I would find it very unfair for the others if she didnt.

A good parent will be scrupulously fair. Your father, OP, must know that deep down.
And when he is not, for whatever reason, he needs to be told some home truths.

I'm actually not sure what I'm doing. I think on the face of it, I believe it's unfair and I wouldn't do it, and I can see why the op is miffed. I guess I'm trying to find a reason that prevents a family fall out...

OK, Rose, crap parent reporting for duty.

Yes it is unfair. He should treat you both the same.

And honestly she’s got no idea if she’s going to spend 2k on a dress if she’s only got 5k ...