To be a bit miffed

[jamoncrumpets]

I got married 5 years ago and DF v generously gave us £2k towards the wedding. We paid the rest ourselves, approx £3k (mix of savings and credit cards). It wasn't a huge wedding but everybody was very well fed and watered, which is just how we wanted it to be. It's all paid off now.

DSis has just got engaged. Wants a reasonably quickie wedding. DF is giving her £5k for her wedding because 'she hasn't got anything saved'.

AIBU to be a bit miffed, and to tell him so?

DF has form for this, seems to think we're much more loaded than we really are. No idea why, because I'm v honest about our finances and we don't live like kings (though we do live within our means). He recently gave my DSis some money towards a car, even though I bought one (nothing fancy, less than £2k) a year ago and got nothing. DSis has had three holidays this year. We've had none.

So how does that work, then? I give the student nurse £50 to pay her has bill, her brother with a household income larger than ours looks at me as if I'm mad when I hand him £50 that equates to a round in the pub.

Gas bill!

Apparent favouritism still hurts adults. The relationship between a parent and child is one of the most important in a person's life, being treated unequally by a parent matters to most people.

In terms of the money, if the OP was complaining about a few hundred here and there it would obviously be more trivial and arguably petty, but we're talking about significant differences in the amount gifted. I don't think the OP is unreasonable in wanting to know why her DF treats her sister and her so differently. I am one of the people who would be thinking that my parent maybe cared less for me, and I don't think that would be an uncommon reaction.

To be honest, i can't say as an adult I'd be thinking that. I've no idea what support my father has given my brother, I know it's more than me, he needs it, I don't want a penny from him. And I don't think it's favouritism.

But I do wholly understand grown adults feel this way. I just think it would be easier if it wasn't just money and the op had something else to show favouritism.

I think you have major issues with your sister.
Maybe one day he will help you more when you need it? Or ask for it?

Did your dad say I’ll only give you the money for the wedding if you save up for the majority of it?? If he did then you’re not unreasonable, but if he didn’t. Well then this is all about sibling dynamics

I've mentioned my friend who knows that her mother has gifted her brother £40k as a flat deposit, but offered my friend no money when she faced homelessness with her children following a relationship breakdown. My friend has no interest in getting any money off her mother to balance things out, she does want to know why her mother so blatantly favours her brother. It's not about the money.

Bluelady the brother acts like one of those people who work out the bill for a meal to the exact penny. That's okay with casual colleagues from work, imho, but is a bit much when you're with family and can easily afford to pay a couple of £s more. That kind of attention to a parent's spending is petty in my mind (not to mention unsupportive of his sister), but to spend thousands extra on one child's wedding (especially when incomes are practically identical) simply comes across as blatant favouritism. I too am wondering what the OP's father is thinking and how he justifies treating his children so differently.

Yes it hurts as an adult to find that a sibling has been living off handouts from a parent for a long time.
Dsis has champagne taste and a mild beer budget. This didn't stop her moving out of the UK to an exotic and expensive location. There she would regularly ring up for more cash to be transferred to her bank as she was broke again.
Final straw was stealing all the jewellery, flitting abroad then not coming to Dm's funeral

It's the logical thing to do if you're being scrupulously fair. You give one child money and it means a lot, give the same to another and it's fuck all. Different circumstances.

@Eveforever but we're talking 3k difference here not 40k and there's a 5yr gap not 1yr in offering financial support. Yes it's massively unfair, yes I'd inwardly grumble, but no I'd not sit DF down and say... 'you owe me 3k or need to give Dsis 2k not 5k or it's not fair'. If OP went to DF and said we need help of 3k would he say yes or no? Circumstances change all the time. If we all sat working it out to the pound it'd be ridiculous. Is that his life savings or can he spare it? It's all relevant really.

I think people debating around 'treating equally vs giving according to need' are missing the point. The sister does not need the cash more than OP. She has more disposable income. She is just bad with money - she still spends it on things through choice. I think if it was because she was stuck in a dead end job / been screwed over in a divorce / was ill, it would be totally different and the OP may not be posting.

I don't think it's fair to give one sibling more than another just because they spend more and prioritise enjoying themselves more.

Unless the other sister is much closer to the dad (eg lives round the corner and sees him daily rather vs different city and monthly) I think OP should say something. Like others have said, go about it along the lines of 'treating us differently makes me feel hurt and worried I've done something to upset you, when our finances are similar' rather than 'its not fair, where's my cash' and there's no need to fall out

It won't go well however she dresses it up.

@FlyingMonkeys I know it's not £40k difference! My point is that some people still seem to think it is about the money and for many people it is the unfairness, inequality and favouritism shown to their sibling that is the problem. Even when, as in my friend's case, the amounts are higher and the situations are more serious. Also, the sister was given money for a car, so it's more than £3k. Also the OP has, as far as I've seen, not said anything about asking her dad for any money, again it's the inequality of the relationships that seems to be vexing her. I agree rounding up financial help from parents to the pound is unnecessary, but noticing thousands of pounds difference between gifts is not petty in my book.

According to the OP their incomes are similar. The OP states she has higher outgoings given that she has a family, and the sister has the excess cash to spend on multiple holidays, yet the father seems to see the sister as the one with the most need. One would expect a student nurse to have less income than a working man and it is fair to say that should perhaps make a difference especially when dealing with less significant amounts of money, but in this scenario this isn't the case. I think if the OP stated her sister had less financially and still moaned about fairness and favouritism, I would perhaps think she was being a bit mean spirited and petty. However, this situation is that the sister has the greater ability to save for cars and weddings, but doesn't and is rewarded for it.

I see your point OP. The problem is, parents want to see their children happy. He gave you money to have the wedding you wanted and saw you get your happy ending. Now he wants to see his other daughter happy - nothing wrong with that. The problem for you is that she’s been less good at saving than you, so needs more money from DF to get the wedding she wants. Whilst DF could “punish” her for this by giving her the same amount he gave you, that wouldn’t make him happy as he wants to see his DD have a lovely day. So should he make himself and your DSIS unhappy just to make things fair?

The other option is to give you £3k now; but maybe he doesn’t have £8k to give away or maybe he wants that money for himself?

I can see it from his point of view as well as yours. Maybe the fairest thing to do would be to give her the money now but tell her he’s not impressed that she hasn’t saved anything, so he’ll be making up the difference over time or in his will.

But maybe Dsis has gone cap in hand and asked for the money vs OP who didn't? If OP did would DF say yes or no? OP states she's not had a holiday in years vs Dsis whose had 3 this year, as a single adult on a past minute break you may pay £250 vs £2,500 (conservatively for a family of 4). I'm really not saying it's fair but there's zero way of saying 'you gave me 2k and she's getting 5k, are you making it up to me?', without sounding like a dickhead. Plus if OP ends up on her uppers in the future there's nothing to say her DF won't step in way more financially than he has with Dsis if needed.

I think asking if she's done anything to upset her dad is not a bad way to go. Normally I agree that if you don't ask, then you don't get. However, I guess I feel that parents should be more considerate and aware of their children's feelings without the children having to ask for some balance and fairness in how they treat their children. This would also help to avoid any awkward conversations. Treating your children equally, within the bounds of reason, is not an unreasonable goal to set.

But chances are OP has done nothing to upset her DF, and if she's vocal that Dsis is effectively getting 3k+ more than her 5yrs on is that not just going to make her dad feel shit? If she brings it up he'll either offer 3k to balance it, say he doesn't have an extra 3k right now, or balance it out in his will (obviously that might not happen if circumstances change). There's no easy answer other than OP tells her dad he can only give Dsis 2k as that's what she got, and possibly subtract the amount she got towards her car purchase. Effectively OP may have to insist DF gives Dsis £0 towards her wedding to make it fair? Plus if DM has passed away in the 5yrs since OP got married DF isn't thinking A got X amount, B's getting X amount - he may just think less stable Dd is now getting sorted so it's peace of mind.

Asking her dad if she's done something wrong is a way to bring the subject up without it seeming like it's all to do with money and greed. Again, I don't believe the OP has mentioned actually wanting her dad to give her money. This is about fairness, equality, favouritism and not wanting to feel like she is second best to her sister. Maybe bringing it up will make her dad feel shit (I don't see why it should unless he agrees he's not treated his daughter fairly, in which case perhaps he should feel a bit shit) but the OP is one that is feeling shit at the moment and that's because of her dad's actions, not her own. Should she just keep quiet and let this fester like a martyr? Maybe the OP just needs her dad to explain what his thought process was in terms of gifting money to her sister and a promise to try and be fairer in the future. Maybe bringing this difficult subject up will clear the air and the relationship will improve and nobody will feel shit!

Why do you think the sister is less stable? Sounds like she's having a great time with her three holidays and musing over £2k wedding dresses.

It’s about unfairness. The OP is quite rightly hurt by the lack of equality.

The. End.

He's probably pleased and relieved that she's finally getting married, and wants to help her on her way.

Fuck me, what century are you living in?! I despair, I really do.

I must say, I know my parents give/gave my ds a lot more money than I get from them. She lives abroad and they pay for her and the dc to visit plus a lump sum at Christmas. I have refused this lump sum for years, I don’t need it (nor does my ds!) and I don’t like the pulling of the apron strings it involves. I did find it unfair, but I understand why they do it.

Ok - so OP should tell her DF she's upset Dsis is getting 3k more and she wants him to redress the balance either by gifting her 3k or subtracting 3k from Dsis' wedding fund - sorted.

Have DF's circumstances changed since he gave you cash towards your wedding? Perhaps he is giving both of you what he could afford at the time?

I would say something. If you’re only going to say it once though, make sure your message is really clear so he understands.

@Malestrop how is it unfair if you've actively refused it for years?

@maelstrop - apologies for typo...