Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed

167 replies

jamoncrumpets · 04/08/2018 08:38

I got married 5 years ago and DF v generously gave us £2k towards the wedding. We paid the rest ourselves, approx £3k (mix of savings and credit cards). It wasn't a huge wedding but everybody was very well fed and watered, which is just how we wanted it to be. It's all paid off now.

DSis has just got engaged. Wants a reasonably quickie wedding. DF is giving her £5k for her wedding because 'she hasn't got anything saved'.

AIBU to be a bit miffed, and to tell him so?

DF has form for this, seems to think we're much more loaded than we really are. No idea why, because I'm v honest about our finances and we don't live like kings (though we do live within our means). He recently gave my DSis some money towards a car, even though I bought one (nothing fancy, less than £2k) a year ago and got nothing. DSis has had three holidays this year. We've had none.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 17:39

I'm still not sure... this man is a widower, he could even be in his seventies if the daughter is in her forties. There has been no hint of favouritism growing up, it may just be the sister is asking for it, or complaining about needing money.

MyLearnedFriend · 07/08/2018 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ariclock · 07/08/2018 17:47

I would talk to your dad, it could be that your sister is pleading poverty and he feels bad. You say that you have never asked for money so maybe he thinks that you are doing ok financially and your sister needs more because she asks for it. Let him know how it makes you feel Flowers

Starlighter · 07/08/2018 17:54

My DH’s family do things like this. It’s hurtful and it really isn’t about the money/gifts/babysitting, etc - we could be talking about anything! It’s the gesture, the favouritism, the feeling of being the one that’s left out. It’s stings.

And it’s especially hurtful now there are grandchildren involved and they get missed out too. Sad

I’ve yet to express my feelings about it, but DH is getting fed up so I might be posting about a big family bust up soon... Confused

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 07/08/2018 17:57

Maybe he feels DS is vulnerable and more co dependent so needs his help more whereas you are more independent and therefore may feel offended taking his money?

If not, I'd mention it. If you can't be honest with your family then who can you be honest with?

Eveforever · 07/08/2018 18:12

MyLearnedFriend I do think the OP can bring this up without looking ungrateful, grabby and self-absorbed. As NotAnotherNoughties Tune says, if you can't be honest with your family then who can you be honest with? I wouldn't be grateful to be treated far less favourably than my sister. Hopefully the OP will choose her words carefully to avoid appearing grabby and if anybody is acting self-absorbed it's the sister that is looking at £2k dresses when that's the total of her father's contribution to her sister's wedding!

OP how aware is your sister of the different levels of financial help/gifts you've been given?

greenlavender · 07/08/2018 18:17

If I were you OP, I'd say something after the wedding. Otherwise it could escalate & your DSIS could accuse you of ruining her day. Show your DF that you're the bigger person & get through it first.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 18:17

Op do you have any non financial examples of how he favours her?

I would agree if it's just money then it's hard to do this without looking like you're being grabby and Are just after money, if however there are other examples not financially related then that changes the focus.

So basically is there other ways he does this, how old is he, and can he even afford this?

Sonders · 07/08/2018 18:19

jamoncrumpets could you maybe frame your conversation with your dad differently. Instead of mentioning your sister getting more money than you, maybe ask if you've done something to offend him because he seems to treat you differently and you're finding it quite hurtful?

Eveforever · 07/08/2018 18:25

Sonders I like that idea, it wouldn't make the OP sound grabby to me! Also I think you've really hit the nail on the head, it's being treated differently that the OP is complaining about. No matter what some other PPs seem to be suggesting. Some people don't seem to be able to get their heads around the idea that it's not really about the money at all.

Outbackshack · 07/08/2018 18:34

We had exactly the same £5k for our wedding ( very greatful btw) and then £10k for my sister. We paid the remaining 6 on ours. Her mil paid the remaining 10 on hers. My dad did comment that he would give us the difference as knew he had spent a lot more on hers but it never showed and we felt like cf'ers for asking. So she did get double and contibuted nothing

Elderflower78 · 07/08/2018 18:35

I don't think you should say something incase it hinders any chance of him being generous in the future, or sounding ungrateful.
I do think it's unfair though. He obviously thinks you are much more well off than you are.

TomHardyswife · 07/08/2018 18:38

*I think if you are not privy to the conversations you will have to tread very carefully indeed
*
Couldn't agree more.

OP I'm cringing on your behalf at the proposed conversation you will have with your DF. It will come across as grabby and immature.

Years ago, my parents bought my sister a house! Whilst DH and I scrimped and saved for a deposit and our own mortgage. I considered saying something but then I just decided that it wasn't worth any ill feeling or upset. For years I held my head high and told myself that we have bought our own house with our own money and to be proud of not relying on handouts from daddy.

Then years and years later, I found out through sheer accident that everything is balanced out in the will.

Im so relieved I never opened my mouth.

FlyingMonkeys · 07/08/2018 18:38

I doubt your DF has even given it a minutes thought. If he knows you paid 5k for your wedding he's probably assumed 'ok 5k for a wedding is reasonable these days'. Sis has no money saved, you had 3k saved, hence sis gets 5k for her wedding as that's how much he figures it'll cost. If she set a date for 18mth-2yrs he'd probably say I'll give you 2k and you can save/fund 3k like your sister. However if the wedding is in 6ish months say - he may be thinking well there's no time to save up. Yes not fair but not malicious favouritism.

Hisnamesblaine · 07/08/2018 18:43

OP & starlighter..... We are in exactly the same position with my dh family. It's everything.... not just money. In our case it really is the ones who ask/bully who get. We just try to make do with what we have and its deemed we are doing ok for ourselves. It's the only recurring argument I have with dp as we are desperate for a house move with baby number 2 on the way. He has casually mentioned it and we've been told the family purse is empty and should have asked at the same time as the other siblings!!!!!!!! I posted on here about the preferential treatment and was torn a new one! Again...... It's not only the money it's the time/acknowledgement/treatment of children that makes me so sad. I dont have any advise. Bit i do belive you should approach the subject because we let it fester for the best part of 10 years. .. ...... Oh and p.s you will probably get fobbed off but at least you will have put it out there and you will have a idea were his head is at

Eveforever · 07/08/2018 19:01

FlyingMonkeys but what if her DF has no plans to even things out? The OP won't know that until she is either told, or until her father dies.
My friend's brother told her that he knew he was being left everything in the mother's will. This is after the mother gave him £40k for a deposit whilst my friend, who has struggled a lot following her divorce, received nothing. My friend has said nothing as she doesn't want to upset her mother, but she has been left feeling very upset by this blatant favouritism. Surely a one off casual comment isn't going to start WWIII?

Wallywobbles · 07/08/2018 19:22

I think this is worthy of a conversation. Can you ask why he gives her more money than you? Cos it seems very unfair so you'd like to understand his reasoning so you feel less hurt.

InfiniteVariety · 07/08/2018 19:24

TomHardyswife I'm glad your story ended well - but your parents could have avoided years of you struggling with some quite difficult feelings if they had told you of what they intended to do in the will. It's surprising that they did not want to reassure you upfront of their intention to be scrupulously fair?

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2018 19:49

For those who say it's parents' money to do with as they like - it's obvious that's not the point. Don't treat children differently. It's wicked and unfair and causes hurt. My parents did same to me and I will always treat my DCs equally, I'd never behave like them. I disengaged years ago. My sis fucked off and emigrated and I was then supposed to come back around as 'only DD left'. Nah. They should've thought of that.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 07/08/2018 19:50

@Bluelady I'm one of several children, and yes, you're right, really we don't discuss what our parents have given us over the years. They have always done what they have done according to need - but tried to be fair, I think. They would also be horrified and disgusted if me and my sisters compared notes and then asked DPs for the difference. They brought us up not to be mercenary and they brought us up to be generous to a fault.

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2018 20:01

As pp's have said it's about having to look on at blatant favouritism towards your sibling, from your own parents. It's not the money.

It comes across as smug to be obtuse about that, in 'its all about money' sanctimonious fashion
& As if wanting to know why you're being treated differently = grabby, and where it involves money uh oh can't talk about that it's not the done thing, keep your mouth shut.

Money involved or not, favouritism stinks

MyLearnedFriend · 07/08/2018 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 20:06

OP I'm cringing on your behalf at the proposed conversation you will have with your DF

I think this is where I also struggle. It either comes across as grabby and asking for money as an adult, or it smacks of childhood sibling rivalry, that even as adults, if her sister gets it the op also needs to get it. It's discomfiting.

It seems though from the posts it's a common enough feeling though, if one sees their sibling get from their parents, they want it too.

Maybe I understand it more with children than people in their thirties and forties. But it does seem even as grown adults in this age range parents still need to treat their off spring the same in many instances.

Lethaldrizzle · 07/08/2018 20:10

Yanbu. I would never put any of my children in this situation. I would treat them all fairly whatever their circumstances.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 20:12

Is that not the thing though, they aren't children, they are adults in their thirties and forties...

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.