To be a bit miffed

[jamoncrumpets]

I got married 5 years ago and DF v generously gave us £2k towards the wedding. We paid the rest ourselves, approx £3k (mix of savings and credit cards). It wasn't a huge wedding but everybody was very well fed and watered, which is just how we wanted it to be. It's all paid off now.

DSis has just got engaged. Wants a reasonably quickie wedding. DF is giving her £5k for her wedding because 'she hasn't got anything saved'.

AIBU to be a bit miffed, and to tell him so?

DF has form for this, seems to think we're much more loaded than we really are. No idea why, because I'm v honest about our finances and we don't live like kings (though we do live within our means). He recently gave my DSis some money towards a car, even though I bought one (nothing fancy, less than £2k) a year ago and got nothing. DSis has had three holidays this year. We've had none.

At the end of the day OP just tell your DF I'm buying XYZ, you've helped Dsis out so I'd like the same amount too, thanks! At least he'd have a heads up on you wanting the cash vs you grumbling about it behind his back.

Not sure how you have that conversation without sounding whiny and self centred OP. It's been 5 years so good luck with that. Maybe your DF can write you a check to sooth your sense of entitlement.

As a parent, I help where I can with what I have at the time. Thankfully I have great kids who aren't comparing notes and making sure noone gets more. We are all close and none are self indulgent and childish enough to keep score.

It is impossible to add up the money side and make it fair.
Maybe your father has spent money on your children over the years. Should we be adding that in too? After all your sis has no children and so has lost out there. Obviously none of us would do so.
There is not an answer to this.
My own experience is that my family helped my older sister masses more because she remained unmarried and child free all her life. She had a great life, freedom for many holidays and a large disposable income vs me with three children and a normal family income.

I however had a husband which was seen by my family as a prize above all treasures and wealth.
Life can be unfair and so can families.
Don't ask your father, he's made his decision.

I would feel v hurt. To all those who are saying otherwise I would suggest you have not been in the position of being the sibling who is overlooked!

At the end of the day OP was gifted 2k towards her wedding 5yr ago. Her sister may now be getting 3k more but as OP and her family aren't on their arse end or living in a tent does it really matter? It's 3k for a wedding it's not a lottery win ffs! From the sounds of it nobody in this equation is living on the bread line and is going to suffer beyond a 'waaaah!' She got a bigger piece of cake than I did! - Ask your dad for 3k or don't OP, them's your options.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt. And bloody pissed off - I know I would be. But I wouldn't say anything as theres no way you won't come out of this looking like the bad one. Saying something in a jokey way just seems passive aggressive. Saying something in all seriousness means that you'll have to suggest a solution to balance things out. Would you really want to take £3k from him now?

I think it's one of those situations where you just have to let it go. And quietly seethe until you're over it.

It'll no doubt happen again when she gets pregnant or has the baby - more handouts.

I have a very earthly MIL.
She is scrupulously fair with money and giving it to her four children.
For a couple of examples.
BIL asked for and received $X as part of a house payment. Each other sibling received additional $X from a distribution of shares. BIL did not.
We needed funds to assist with a medical situation. About $Y . Other siblings will receive $Y more than us this financial year from family trust.

If it rankles, have a gentle conversation about how you feel. My SIL did that when BIL kept getting extra money. It was tallied up and evened our.
You sound like you need to express how this hurts you, so I would say something.

Wealthy not earthy ffs.

Her earnings are comparable, yes. We were higher earners when we got married but we lived in London so had v high outgoings. I'm a SAHM now and DH's wage is about as much as hers and her partners' combined

I suspect this is about income. You've said a couple of times she says she has more disposable income than you and describe her income as comparable. That's disingenuous if comparable is 2 people in her household earning what 1 person in yours does. It's disingenuous if you have both previously been high earners and she hasn't. Also if your high outgoings are because you have chosen a big mortgage and if she is in a new relationship and has had to manage solo before when you've shared resources with your DH for a number of years. You also have the choice of going back to work and adding to your household income. If any of the above is true I think you're being a cow about this. Your comments about her holidays and choice of bed are judgy. You can comfort yourself with the fact that she's likely got a difficult journey to parenthood ahead given her age, she might even have to have IVF which will cost her, which could even it all up, right? That'd make you feel better unless DF steps in to help and no doubt you'll be jealous again 🙄

None of us know the full story here but regardless you are better off being glad about the positives in your life and stop comparing every little thing.

My grandparents had 5 children and were clearly much more concerned and generous with one of them (and by extension her own 3 children) compared to the others - and no, there was not a good reason for it.

It has been damaging to the family harmony as a whole, but the other siblings never brought it up during the lifetime of my grandparents. But a lot of hurt feelings and resentments were created, and it’s a shame. I think there should have been a talk at one point, to at least air this out.

So I think some of the posters here who think their children are oblivious to inequalities of treatment simply because no one has mentionned it are being over-optimistic.

YANBU

I'd have to say something.

He's basically punished you for being responsible (by saving) but rewarding DS for being irresponsible (not saving).

Maybe they're not oblivious - although they could easily be because in our case our finances aren't discussed with them - or maybe they understand that their circumstances are very different. There's only been one family wedding so far, we offered to pay for an element of the cost, they chose which one so essentially they decided how much we'd give them. We'll do the same thing in future.

Maybe your father has spent money on your children over the years. Should we be adding that in too? After all your sis has no children and so has lost out there. Obviously none of us would do so.

That could be his thinking tbh.

@MargeryB - We don't have a mortgage (like many of our generation we simply don't have the spare funds to save a deposit), we rent, within our means. I'm at home with the children for several reasons: we relocated (to a cheaper area, rent-wise) and my job wasn't commutable any more, I have had issues getting (and staying) pregnant, I have HG pregnancies, DS has recently been diagnosed with ASD and there are childcare/educational issues related to that. We don't live like kings. My kids are both in LIDL nappies today. Our only car is a 2008 Vauxhall.

Somebody further down hit the nail on the head mentioning my dad wanting my sister to be 'settled' (basically, married with kids) - I think it's v much to do with that. She spent ten years travelling the world and he worried about her 'settling'. She moved back and he thought she'd 'settle' soon, but she didn't. She turned 40 and still wasn't 'settled'. It's a bloody Victorian way of measuring your kids' success but that's just the way he is.

Also, can I just reiterate. I absolutely do not want my dad to give me £3000. I wouldn't take it now if he offered it. I just feel a bit shit that he's treated us differently.

I think this is unfair and I would probably tell my dad that I found it hurtful that we weren't being treated equally.

I did say something and I’m glad I did because it provoked a full family discussion and cleared the air.

We are a blended family and certain siblings are much more demanding and thought of as irresponsible with money by others. There was huge inequality in how we were treated, not one person’s children versus the others but the reckless versus those of us who are more independent. It has caused a lot of family ill feeling.

My parents announced that one of my siblings had asked them for school fees for both of their DCs. I replied calmly that they better be very keen on these DGCs as they wouldn’t be seeing mine again after such blatant favouritism.

This is an emotive subject for me because we struggled to have children and paid for more rounds of IVF than was probably sensible. We ended up with debt that took a long time to pay off. And by the way it wasn’t because I left it too late. I just couldn’t conceive naturally. My parents didn’t offer any cash and I didn’t ask. I am the eldest and was always taught to stand on my own 2 feet, so I did.

If any of my siblings were ill or out of work or genuinely needed money, then I would help without hesitation. But asking for new kitchens, school fees, holidays, new cars etc, that’s just a lifestyle choice and you should fund it yourself.

I think my parents were shocked by the ill feeling from those siblings who had not been enabled and realised what a bad dynamic they had created in the family. It’s much better now.