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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed

167 replies

jamoncrumpets · 04/08/2018 08:38

I got married 5 years ago and DF v generously gave us £2k towards the wedding. We paid the rest ourselves, approx £3k (mix of savings and credit cards). It wasn't a huge wedding but everybody was very well fed and watered, which is just how we wanted it to be. It's all paid off now.

DSis has just got engaged. Wants a reasonably quickie wedding. DF is giving her £5k for her wedding because 'she hasn't got anything saved'.

AIBU to be a bit miffed, and to tell him so?

DF has form for this, seems to think we're much more loaded than we really are. No idea why, because I'm v honest about our finances and we don't live like kings (though we do live within our means). He recently gave my DSis some money towards a car, even though I bought one (nothing fancy, less than £2k) a year ago and got nothing. DSis has had three holidays this year. We've had none.

OP posts:
InfiniteVariety · 07/08/2018 16:25

Bluelady I think you're naïve. They would almost certainly be making comparisons, either openly or covertly because fairness matters a lot to siblings - they may say nothing but it is almost certainly happening

CrabbyPatty · 07/08/2018 16:26

I'm one of three children and have always been the highest earner. My siblings have both had more financial support than me from our parents and I don't mind a bit.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 16:27

Sorry, Bluntness.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 16:27

Yes, fairness matters a lot to siblings. And good parents know that.

seven201 · 07/08/2018 16:28

I'd tell my dad I was miffed and explain why.

frippit · 07/08/2018 16:28

Yes this is unfair. My parents treated my 2 sisters and I very differently, giving cash and expensive items to one and not to the others. I always felt second best and couldn't understand why they did it at the time, as i was not well off and it was pretty obvious.
Looking back i think the chosen sister was very good at the poor me story where as I was very independent and never asked for anything (apart from once when our very old car packed in and I asked for a loan of 2 grand and they said no).
I'm very careful to treat my own children equally now tho, and have made this very clear to them.
Not sure how you can deal with it. I tried to bring it up with my parents but they just said I was selfish as I had everything and she didn't. This wasn't true but that's how they justifeld it.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 16:29

I've a friend who does help out one of her kids way more than the other, way more. She does it because the one she financially supports more needs it more. But by no means do they "need" it.

I have to be honest I do sometimes wonder how the other child feels about it and even my husband has commented he's surprised rhe other child isn't upset by it.

I don't think she does it out of anything negative, I think she just doesn't see it.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 16:30

Good post, @frippit. To be honest, I think there is no way to justify injustice of this sort.

Cottongusset · 07/08/2018 16:31

It sounds to me like you and your family are financially stable and secure. Why do you think you have any right or entitlement to your father in law's money - or anyone elses for that matter. Whatever happened to standing on your own feet and getting on with it. What he does with his money is his own affair and nothing whatsoever to do with you or anyone else. I hope he squanders what he has left on enjoying life and leaves you and your "entitled" attitude with nothing. For god sake grow up and move on and stop whinging. If you do question him I hope he tells you to mind your own business.

Coffeemeanslife · 07/08/2018 16:31

I absolutely understand your frustration. And I'd burst on the seams if the same would happen between me and my DS.
However, I think your DF sees your Dsis still as a "child" which now matures and needs his help to get on to her feet. She "needs" 5k, he's got it, so he gives it. If you would have asked for a larger amount my guess is he would have given you more too.

Your Dsis seems to grow up very (!) slowly, in a very convenient way.

I would talk to DF in a very apologetic way, acknowledging it's childish - maybe- but that it bugs you, as you always tried to do the right things, i.e. living w/i your means so you won't be a burden to him.
I wouldn't mention all the things Dsis does wrong in your opinion. Just the fact that she continuously gets helped out.

The counter argument is, however, that you make a good living and therefore do not need his financial help.
So maybe just ask DF to acknowledge and praise you for being mature and considerate.

crimsonlake · 07/08/2018 16:32

I think you are unreasonable to bring this up. Something similar has happened to me over the years, one of 4 sisters. I might think it is unfair but I have never brought it up. One time my dad said as he had given one sister more she would get less in his Will, that never happened either

FlyingElbows · 07/08/2018 16:35

We have a similar thing. My father gives me a small amount of money every month. To my knowledge he does not give my sibling anything. Sibling is a high earning professional who owns multiple properties. I am not. Unfair you might think if you didn't know that father secured the mortgage that allowed sibling to sell, make a profit and get on the property ladder. I got nothing. My little monthly cash injection is nothing compared to the advantage my sibling got. Father also uses money because he is an emotional desert who pays no interest to either of us or our children.

Op, any chance your sibling would tell your story with different details?

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 16:36

I would talk to DF in a very apologetic way, acknowledging it's childish - maybe- but that it bugs you, as you always tried to do the right things, i.e. living w/i your means so you won't be a burden to him

The thing is that's going to come across as a subtle way of trying to get him to give her three grand. I don't know, unless she's really struggling and has no other options I find asking or hinting to get money as an adult from your parents very cringe, unless it's absolutely required.

Shampoo123 · 07/08/2018 16:39

I think I agree with Singlenotsingle - he might want to see her have the 'same' as you, and time isn't on her side.

But I come from a family where this is renowned - there is a lot of talk of it being fair but it never really is! My DH's family is even worse - his parents have called to our house on the way to a slap up meal with my SIL and her DH, and on the way back to tell us how lovely it was. We never get invited. My DH's birthday - 2 for 1 Pizza Express Meal. The SIL - 100 people to a hotel......go figure.

Say something but be aware, things are never 'fair'......and it may cause you unnecessary heartache by bringing this to the surgace.

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 07/08/2018 16:42

DSis just bought a bed for two grand on finance. She's not skint, just irresponsible.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 07/08/2018 16:43

We've been out for meals before where DF has paid for DSis but not for me and DH. It really smarts. We have much less fun with our money than she does.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 07/08/2018 16:46

Rose, I'm really not naive. If I'd be hard pressed to know what we've given who over the years, I'm sure they would be. In any event, we don't publicise what we give them. I'm pretty confident it isn't discussed. I'd hope we've brought them up to be less mercenary than that.

BewareOfDragons · 07/08/2018 16:47

I think it sucks, too, OP. Blatant favouritism when parents do this ... sure to cause hard feelings. It's also rewarding offspring who don't plan and save ... and he's said as much.

Ragwort · 07/08/2018 16:50

I can't believe that you would really bring this up with your father, it seems really petty and mean spirited. Do you actually NEED the £3k. How exactly would you ask him? My parents are very generous to my siblings and I but we don't keep a running tab on what we are given. My DPs paid for my wedding but one sibling never married and the other had a quiet wedding abroad & paid herself. One sibling went to private school, myself and the other one didn't, one of us has a disabled child and needs more financial support, one needs more help as they had a housing emergency; none of us feel bitter or angry about any of this, we all recognise that at different stages of our own lives our parents may be in a position to help us more. I recognise that I may be receive more than the others in smaller ways as I live nearer so can help out more, but then perhaps get given more in the way of meals out or petrol money.
Unless there is a huge back story I think it would be really unwise to bring this up with your DF.

Hermanfromguesswho · 07/08/2018 16:50

Can you mention it in a ‘jokey’ way. Ie ‘if I’d known you were going to make up the difference regardless then I’d have had a holiday or two as well instead of scrimping ancsaving so hard all that time to pay my way!’

Eveforever · 07/08/2018 16:52

My best friend's mother gave her brother £40k to help him buy a house. When my friend almost became homeless due to a relationship breakdown her mother offered her £0. So that was favouritism without the excuse/reason being that the other sibling needed it more.

RoseWhiteTips · 07/08/2018 16:52

@Bluelady:

I did not say you were naive.

Huskylover1 · 07/08/2018 16:55

She is in her early 40s, and wants to marry before having a baby - so obvs wants to crack on

This made my eyes widen! Crack on indeed!

Jaxhog · 07/08/2018 16:57

It's a dad and daughter thing (unless they're from yorkshire, like my dad) Dad's used to pay everything towards a daughters wedding, and the idea still lingers.

Swallow your feelings on this, smile and secretly stab pins into an effigy of DSis.

Original poster
jamoncrumpets · 07/08/2018 17:00

But I'm his daughter too

OP posts:
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