To be a bit miffed

[jamoncrumpets]

I got married 5 years ago and DF v generously gave us £2k towards the wedding. We paid the rest ourselves, approx £3k (mix of savings and credit cards). It wasn't a huge wedding but everybody was very well fed and watered, which is just how we wanted it to be. It's all paid off now.

DSis has just got engaged. Wants a reasonably quickie wedding. DF is giving her £5k for her wedding because 'she hasn't got anything saved'.

AIBU to be a bit miffed, and to tell him so?

DF has form for this, seems to think we're much more loaded than we really are. No idea why, because I'm v honest about our finances and we don't live like kings (though we do live within our means). He recently gave my DSis some money towards a car, even though I bought one (nothing fancy, less than £2k) a year ago and got nothing. DSis has had three holidays this year. We've had none.

Rose, you're right. Profuse apologies for mixing you up with someone else.

No worries!

It's such a difficult one, because like bluelady or my friend, I think often when parents do this it's not about favouritism, it's simply who they think needs it most.

I'm not sure the kids often see it that way, and it's usually discussed between them, they know. I also don't think it's often about the money it's more the dynamic.

That's why I'm trying to push this to intent. Possibly your dads the same.

jamoncrumpets

But I'm his daughter too

Exactly. What a weird response. Are you invisible, OP?

Of course I would bring it up - it's about your father treating you unfairly. There's nothing in the context you provided to justify this.

Except for the wedding money my DF doesn't give me any money, ever, I've never asked him for any. I wouldn't mind this at all, if it weren't for the fact that he helps DSis so often.

As a parent, you give what you can, when you can. Whatever you do, it can be criticised. If you give both DC the same, one could say "she's wealthier then me so I should get more". If you give one more £ because she's poorer, the other will say "we should get the same. It's not fair". I don't think you should say anything to df, he'll be very hurt.

but clearly she asks and you don't
he thinks you're capable and doing well and don't need help?
it's not fair, but he clearly thinks she has more of a need.

She's not poorer than me. I don't know why people keep coming back to this. She has never been poorer than me.

Do you need the money op? I can't work out if this is just about the dynamic of your sister gets more than you, or if you want money from him?

I definitely don't want more. I'm just annoyed that she gets way more than us, for no obvious reason. She has tonnes more disposable income but DF seems to think she's worse off because she isn't 'settled yet'

i think this isn't about money, at all, but about feeling less worthy of love or care or attention. i'm one of many siblings, and my parents are pretty scrupulous about treating us all the same - we all got the same amount of cash towards a wedding, for example, regardless of earning power. i didn't resent my rich sister getting the same wedding cash as we did, but i would have felt very hurt if she'd been given more.

it also sends a message that it's fine to be fiscally irresponsible and not save or live within your means if daddy is going to come along and sub you - whether that's for weddings or cars or whatever.

on the other hand, i do understand treating offspring according to need not want (my parents helped me out more when i was a very young single parent on a tiny wage).

it's a tricky one. if you are going to tackle it, op, i'd take the line that you feel hurt that he's favouriting her, rather than looking at it from a purely financial standpoint. after all, you didn't mind not getting £5k from him before now. so it's not the money, it's the feeling second best.

I'd definitely be annoyed too, it's never nice being the sibling who isn't favoured. A parent shouldn't have favourites

Ok, so it's not about hitting your dad up for money. It's the dynamic.

I'd assume your dads not thought about it. I'd let thr dust settle, get the wedding done, and then maybe comment to him you're just saying that she does seem to take a lot of his money, which you wouldn't do, and you find it surprising as she has more disposable income than you.

I would also feel pretty miffed. I’m of the opinion that if you can’t give all children the same, then no one gets anything. I remember growing up and we weren’t very well off, my dad would only ever buy us ice creams if he could afford to buy two. That’s the way it’s always been with both myself and my brother.

But after that’s said, it is his money so it’s up to him how much he gives. I think I’d be tempted to simply tell him how hurt you are as it seems that he favours your sister. I presume you’ve both had the same opportunities, and as such, it could be either one of you that’s better off than the other.

Is this dynamic only arisen as adults, or was there something similar growing up?

Only since DM died.

My parents gave us 6k for our wedding, which was amazingly generous. They recently gave my sister 10k for hers. I have no idea the reasoning, but it really doesn't bother me. Both of us married great men and enjoyed our weddings so I'm happy!

So only as adults? How old is your father?

I'm with you OP.
It's not OK to have what appears to be a 'favourite'.
Not on!

I think you should say something. The fact that my friend knows her mother favours her brother has affected their relationship. To be clear, it's the favouritism that hurts her, not the money. My friend hasn't brought it up with her mother yet and I feel it is festering a bit.

Yes, saying something may hurt the OP's father, but his actions have hurt the OP, so why should she say nothing? Why should the OP be a martyr? Its not like the OP is suggesting she has a full blown fight with her DF, she's only suggesting she mentions it casually.

OP... a question. Do you absolutely know that he will not make this 'fair' in his will? ie. leave less to sister as she has had hers early

I think if you're not privy to the conversations you will need to tread very carefully indeed.

It smarts, I understand...my DH parents gave his brother 100k for a house because he couldn't afford to buy it himself (he'd snorted everything he earned up his nose) and he'd got his girlfriend pregnant...we'd worked hard and saved for our own meanwhile...he proceeded to have 4 kids in total so they built an extension and loft conversion for him too...we are NC now...not about the money but pure favouritism and treating 2 brothers and grandkids so very differently.

I'm with the op, I'd have to say something. Regardless of who earns what, as your father he should treat you both equally and not hurt either of you by favouring one over the other. He should either give you both nothing or he should give you both the same.

If you think it's going to impact on your relationship then say something. It sounds like you feel your sister is treated as the favourite, perhaps say how you feel this is unbalanced. It is his money though but he may want to know the impact this decision is having. Also, I don't think overall you can expect equal amounts of financial help, sometimes one child will need more support than another but you would hope that would be limited to the essentials in life like safe housing.