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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not loving my niece

193 replies

notthewhiterabbit · 02/08/2018 18:35

Sounds terrible but I don't feel a connection to my niece and it's not her fault at all. She is a cute little girl.
Background is I don't like sil very much for various reasons. She's quite selfish and has not treated DB well imo. Today, I'm visiting my mum and when arrived, I see that niece has been dropped off by DB before he went to work. While sil is going to have a "day off" (she doesn't work and hasn't had a job for years). My DCs played with her well and we had a nice day overall. But I resented having to looking after someone else's child on my day off. DM was preparing lunch and dinner etc and I ended up having to change niece's nappies and entertained her when my ones slept. We popped out for a walk and as her buggy was too heavy/ difficult to steer for DM so I ended up pushing it, in the heat.
I think I do love my niece but I don't seem to care for her as much as my other niece (DH's sister's dd). I'm not making that much effort to interact with her. What's wrong with me!?

OP posts:

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 09:35

@PurpleMac

Shumpa OP did not care for the baby all day. Her mother did, OP just changed a few nappies whilst her mum cooker. And given that her own children were there I bet the entertaining was more for their benefit. She also helped her own mother by pushing a pushchair in the heat.

Purple, that's some pretty bad selective reading there. OP says she entertained her niece when her own children were sleeping, so how was she entertaining niece for their benefit?

It must be pretty hard going through life with such your bitter, twisted outlook.

And changing nappies is caring for a baby. It's a pretty big part of it.

I wonder if you would all be calling OP mean and nasty if she were a man who had provided this care for his niece. So much bloody sexism on a predominantly women's website.

catlady34 · 03/08/2018 09:38

niketrainersarecomfy it's the OP's brother's daughter, not her husband's. They are blood relatives.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 03/08/2018 09:44

You changed a few nappies and played with the baby, while your mum was in sole charge. Grow up. And most people would enjoy the time spent with a baby family member. If you don't you should have just gone home.

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 09:50

chocolatecoffeeaddict

I don't think think you understand what 'sole charge' means. As OP provided at least half of the care for her niece, OP's DM did not have 'sole charge'.

So it's actually you that needs to grow up. And preferably learn some comprehension skill too.

DistanceCall · 03/08/2018 11:22

It sounds like the OP was looking forward to spending a day on her own with her mother and her own children, and was annoyed because her SIL had already asked her mother to take care of the baby for the day (and yes, SAHM do take "days off" now and then. Nothing wrong with that).

I understand that you would have preferred to be on your own with your Mum and kids, but it's not the baby's fault, and your SIL did nothing wrong either.

If you want to spend time on your own with your Mum and kids, plan further ahead. Your mother has other grandkids in addition to your children.

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 11:30

DistanceCall

SIL had already asked her mother to take care of the baby for the day

Where does OP say this?

DistanceCall · 03/08/2018 11:34

Today, I'm visiting my mum and when arrived, I see that niece has been dropped off by DB before he went to work. While sil is going to have a "day off" (she doesn't work and hasn't had a job for years).

I have no idea how far in advance the DB and SIL had asked the OP's Mum, but the Mum had already accepted. If the OP is unhappy that her Mum accepted to take care of her grandchild when she had already agreed to spend the day with the OP and her children, she should talk about this with her Mum. Who is the one who agreed to take care of the SIL's child.

DistanceCall · 03/08/2018 11:58

However, I would understand saying "Mum, I'd like to spend I day with you, just the two of us, now and then. Could we do that?"

But, honestly, saying - "Mum, I'd like to spend a day with you, but only me and my children, not DB's child"? Urgh.

MyNameIsNotRachel · 03/08/2018 12:00

I sort of understand - I don't have a great connection with my niece - mainly because I don't see her a lot - me and sil are not close but when I see them I make an effort.

if you didn't want to look after her all day with ur mum then you should of left your mums sooner. you chose to stay. you could have stayed an hour then left?
also if SIL said she wants a day off she may need it - just because she doesn't work doesn't mean she doesn't deserve some me time every now and again?! - she may be struggling atm she may have some problems you don't no about - you shouldn't judge. (I work full time - my sil doesn't work and she looks more exhausted than me most of the time!)
if you want a bond with her - try make an effort - if not just be polite when you see her

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 12:06

DistanceCell

I have no idea how far in advance the DB and SIL had asked the OP's Mum, but the Mum had already accepted.

But you don't if DB or SIL had asked or if the Mum accepted. You're guessing at best, inventing at worst. Why not ask OP?

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 12:06

*don't know

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 12:10

DistanceCell

But, honestly, saying - "Mum, I'd like to spend a day with you, but only me and my children, not DB's child"? Urgh.

What's urgh about it? OP had to change the plans that her and her Mum has to take her kids out in the car because there was no room for her niece. How is that fair to OP and her kids?

Northernparent68 · 03/08/2018 12:16

Next time let your mother look after your niece or leave when you know the niece is present

DistanceCall · 03/08/2018 12:45

But you don't [know] if DB or SIL had asked or if the Mum accepted. You're guessing at best, inventing at worst.

Erm, I don't think the DB or SIL pulled a gun at the Mum to make her accept to take care of their child. They may have dropped here with no warning, but the Mum could have said no.

And if the DB or SIL have form dropping their child announced at the Mum's, that is between the Mum and the DB. Of course the OP can say something to her Mum (like" Why don't you ask DB do let you know in advance that they will bringing the child?") But ultimately it's the Mum's business.

chillpizza · 03/08/2018 12:48

I get you. I don’t wish any harm on the child but I’m not interested in building some really close relationship that others seem to think should be there. I’m polite and helpful but I wouldn’t be changing bum and dedicating my time to them when my own child is asleep.

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 12:53

Erm, I don't think the DB or SIL pulled a gun at the Mum to make her accept to take care of their child. They may have dropped here with no warning, but the Mum could have said no.

Yes but your whole premise was that the DB/SIL had asked the Mum. You said that very confidently. You've just acknowledged that they could have just turned up at Mum's without asking. But that's very different to what you said before.

But why is it so hard for you to acknowledge that this is not fair on OP? The fact that she had to cancel her plans with her mum because there was no room for niece in her car?

Some people are just determined to find fault with the OP. It seems people still expect women to fulfil this caring, motherly role to other children regardless of how it impact an them.

OhFFSDH · 03/08/2018 12:59

What's urgh about it? OP had to change the plans that her and her Mum has to take her kids out in the car because there was no room for her niece. How is that fair to OP and her kids?

It is urgh. It's not in the spirit of family, it excludes her DB's child and families have to adapt to babies like I'm sure OP would do for her other DN.

If her DM can't say no then the problem is between OP and her mum. Perhaps she never spends time with her GD and wanted to but her DM should not have agreed to something she could not commit to. Or perhaps she knows OP is different with her DN and wanted to bring them closer together.

or leave when you know the niece is present That's just cruel.

OP simply needs to be clear in saying this is your commitment to her DM. As a word of warning, as the years go on, your DB and the rest of his little family will start to dislike you as much as you dislike his wife unless you try harder.

OhFFSDH · 03/08/2018 13:14

If I have plans with a friend and they get changed because someone else tags along then I'm annoyed at my agreeable friend. It isn't fair, no. However, OP has said she doesn't love her DN and it correlates with her not liking her SIL. No one expects her to be in a motherly role, DM should have fulfilled those duties.

OP could have left on this one occasion and said to her DM "I still want to do what we planned, I'm off to do it." Why is she annoyed at DB or SIL that she had to stay??

ShumpaLumpa · 03/08/2018 13:22

OhFFSDH

It is urgh. It's not in the spirit of family, it excludes her DB's child and families have to adapt to babies like I'm sure OP would do for her other DN.

But OP did change her plans so DN wasn't excluded? Not sure what your point is? And what other DN?

As a word of warning, as the years go on, your DB and the rest of his little family will start to dislike you as much as you dislike his wife unless you try harder.

Why is it up to OP to try harder? OP has already said she doesn't like SIL. Do you have no sympathy for OP who went to see her mum on her one day off and ended up taking care of her DN while SIL had a child free day? It doesn't sound like SIL has ever looked after OP's kids. That's not fair to OP is it?

DistanceCall · 03/08/2018 16:29

But why is it so hard for you to acknowledge that this is not fair on OP? The fact that she had to cancel her plans with her mum because there was no room for niece in her car?

It may be unfair for the OP. But it's not the SIL's fault (much less her niece's fault). It was her mother who accepted that.

DistanceCall · 03/08/2018 16:30

And, may I point out, the title of the OP's post is "Not loving my niece".

DistanceCall · 03/08/2018 16:31

Yes but your whole premise was that the DB/SIL had asked the Mum. You said that very confidently.

And they did ask, either before coming or when they knocked on the Mum's door. I seriously doubt they just dropped the baby through the window and ran.

auditqueen · 03/08/2018 17:01

I really can't understand why some people on this thread can completely fail to understand why the OP was annoyed. Why do we have to love, or even like, all children? Why can't she judge a woman who obviously couldn't be arsed to work even before she had a baby?
Is it because she's a SAHM and therefore next step down from being a saint in some people's eyes?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/08/2018 17:03

Nasty post audiitqueen. The OP likes her other niece that isn't a blood relative. Maybe her mother goes out to work eh.

Thehandmaidshat · 03/08/2018 17:07

Doesn't sound like your niece is missing much tbh op.

You sound quite nasty and very judgemental. So what if your sil doesn't work, she's still entitled to a few hours away from her child and obviously your mum doesn't have a problem with it or she wouldn't have babysat.

You were hot and had to push a pram? Oh dear...maybe next time check with your mum that she's free and hasn't made arrangements with her gd before you turn up there with yours.

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