Not loving my niece

[notthewhiterabbit]

Sounds terrible but I don't feel a connection to my niece and it's not her fault at all. She is a cute little girl.
Background is I don't like sil very much for various reasons. She's quite selfish and has not treated DB well imo. Today, I'm visiting my mum and when arrived, I see that niece has been dropped off by DB before he went to work. While sil is going to have a "day off" (she doesn't work and hasn't had a job for years). My DCs played with her well and we had a nice day overall. But I resented having to looking after someone else's child on my day off. DM was preparing lunch and dinner etc and I ended up having to change niece's nappies and entertained her when my ones slept. We popped out for a walk and as her buggy was too heavy/ difficult to steer for DM so I ended up pushing it, in the heat.
I think I do love my niece but I don't seem to care for her as much as my other niece (DH's sister's dd). I'm not making that much effort to interact with her. What's wrong with me!?

Your mum was providing the childcare for her. You did a couple of things to help your mum.

Everyone needs some 'time off" from their routine or alone time. You begrudge it in this case because you dislike Sil.

Try not to project the dislike on to a baby. You don't have to have a connection but actively resenting or disliking the baby - well there is just no reason to!

@notthewhiterabbit

You sound like a really unpleasant person. Your poor niece,

I hope she never gets to know how much you dislike her,. How horrible.

As a few pps have said, you sound jealous and bitter, and resentful of your SIL.

@powaqa

I think you are getting a hard time here op. Not all families like let alone love each member. I wouldn't know my brothers children if I fell over them. I haven't seen them for 5 years and I certainly didn't love them then.

Wow, you sound as unpleasant as the OP. 'Yeah yeah, of COURSE it's OK to hate your niece!'

@greatduckcookery

Not liking an older nephew or niece because of a certain trait or behaviour they display is more understandable than disliking a tiny baby only due to the fact you can't stand her mother.

This. ^

No-one is being 'dramatic' as a few posters are suggesting; it's just that many posters cannot fathom how someone can dislike a tiny baby because they hate her mother.

I personally would not let the OP near a baby or child of mine - not with the level of simmering resentment and loathing she clearly has for this tiny baby. (And the same goes for the few posters supporting her.) I hope the SIL and brother of the OP find out how she feels, and do exactly the same thing - (not let the child near her.)

@GreatDuckCookery my sils kids are my DHs sisters kids. Even if they were my brothers kids why would it be so crazy for me not to love them?

You don't have to love every person you have a genetic relationship to. Personally I find that idea very odd.

I think the OP is getting a really hard time, she doesn't feel a bond with someone else's child, she didn't fancy spending her day off helping to baby sit, she wants to bond with her niece and doesn't know how. Are any of those things that bad?

Op if you want to bond with your niece, maybe give it some time. I definitely prefer children to baby's, once they have more of a personality there's more about them to build a relationship with.

I not remotely interested in either of mine to be honest, obviously if they ever needed anything I would help but if I never saw them again I would probably be ok with it
Niece one is my brothers dd and I’m nc with him - but I do like sil
Niece 2 is sil and bils- I do like them but really feel nothing for their kids
I send birthday presents etc and if we see them I engage with the children but I don’t feel any special connection with any of them.
I think it’s largely because I’m not too keen on kids in general, there is one girl though ( more distant relative) who I’m pretty close to and stays with us quite often - so I can’t be totally evil

People are confusing not loving a child just because and not loving a child not because of them but because of whatever reason they dislike the child's mother ( or father )

That is different and really not on.

I don't understand this attitude that you have to love someone because they are genetically linked to you. I have two nephews who are my brothers children. My SIL is a complete nightmare and I can't stand the woman. When the kids were young I'd see them because I felt I had to because they are my brothers children, however, I felt no bond with them and I'm,y saw her. as I grew more distant (emotionally and geographically) from my brother, neither side could really be bothered to make an effort. The last time I saw them was my mothers funeral and they were like strangers to me. I can't say I disliked them, just felt indifferent.

My partner's sister has a boy and a girl and my relationship with them is completely different. I've been in their lives since they were 6 and 10 and we genuinely love each other and I enjoy their company and feel as if they are my "real" nephew and niece.

@lindalee3

I personally would not let the OP near a baby or child of mine - not with the level of simmering resentment and loathing she clearly has for this tiny baby. (And the same goes for the few posters supporting her.)

With all due respect, you're a random on the internet. No one here you're insulting cares about you or your baby.

OP cared for this baby all day, changing her nappies, pushing her about in her pushchair and entertaining her. Those are not the actions of someone who 'loathes' a baby.

Perhaps OP is sad because she knows SIL has no time for her own DC, OP said she wants to connect with her SIL, so there is obviously a block there that is causing OP some pain. Learn some empathy, don't be so bloody judgemental. Not everything is black and white.

Shumpa OP did not care for the baby all day. Her mother did, OP just changed a few nappies whilst her mum cooker. And given that her own children were there I bet the entertaining was more for their benefit. She also helped her own mother by pushing a pushchair in the heat.

Is it more that you just wanted a nice day with your mother and have her focus on your own DC, and weren't expecting your niece to be there thus detracting from your DC and putting more work on to you? I think you have worded it in a way that means you aren't getting sympathy. But I do get that your niece's presence totally changed the dynamic and expectations of your day.
I suggest making more effort to meet up with your brother and his family, spend time with sil and their baby, and balance one on one time with your mother for your own family unit and then all her grandchildren.

I am sure you don't really resent the actual baby - just the extra effort she created today.

OP yabu.
You're put out because you wanted an easy day off with your mum and your kids. You arrived and it was clear that as your niece was there you weren't going to have the day you planned.
Stay at home mums need day off too sometimes, I would say more that workers sometimes as that is their full time job. For everyone's sanity it is nice to have time to yourself.
Re the love, you don't have to love them but you should feel like you would protect and show an interest in her. I want the children in my life to remember me as someone fun and caring from their childhood as I was lucky enough to have some cool uncles and aunts.

OP, it sounds like you are taking your very obvious resentment of your SIM out on your niece, which is a sad situation. It's not the poor kid's fault. Not much else to say.

*SiL not SIM... I'm sure your phone had nowt to do with it! Bloody autocorrect!

While sil is going to have a "day off" (she doesn't work and hasn't had a job for years)
You seem very disapproving of her having a day off from caring for a baby young enough to be in nappies full time. It is allowed!

Sahp needs days off OP. You sound bitter, jealous and very immature.

The thing is is I wouldn't expect anyone to have a natural bond with their brothers children, realistically I think any 'bond' is probably more pride and love of the parents transferred to the child, not a natural bond. Some people might do but I wouldn't expect everyone to have a natural bond.

However I think any baby or small child who I've held and spent time with I've developed at least a fondness for, I think that's natural too. I wouldnt expect a natural bond but I would expect fondness and care which could develop to love.

I think it's really bizarre to post a thread about It, it's all the thinking about the bond, debating how she feels about a baby, I've never even really considered whether I like a particular baby or not, I just do because they are a baby. It just feels so forced. Like OP has almost decided she's not going to love this child because of its mother. It's weird to sit there calmly contemplating your dislike of a baby, when the op knows perfectly well why she doesn't like the baby.

I don't love anyone's children, except my own. Shoot me.

Completely agree with the majority of posters. The OP sounds immature, jealous, and bitter. And to say she is 'not loving her niece' at all, and start a thread about it, is a bit weird frankly.

Taking her resentment (towards her sister in law) out on her little baby niece, is a horrible way to behave.

Where is the OP by the way?

My aunt clearly doesn’t love or like me and my sister because she didn’t like her sisters choice of husband (our Dad). Would have been bad enough if our Dad was a total prick, but as it is he’s been a faithful and loving husband and father for many decades, she just never liked him because he wasn’t posh enough for their family in her eyes.

Needless to say me and my sister can’t stand my aunt and actively avoid her company, sour and horrible old cow. So, unless you want to end up with your niece feeling that way about you, sort your life out.

Ok... thank you for some interesting perspectives which I appreciate. I realise my mistake here is that my op was poorly expressed and perhaps of the negative language choices. And as a pp mentioned, the aibu board is the wrong place to explore my feelings. Ironically being accused of being judgemental here.

I will try to address a few things anyway.

1. A lot of posters are accusing me of resenting my niece, in no way do I resent her and i have not said so anywhere. I played with my niece and helped my mum look after her. I'm nice to her like I am with any children. I don't feel like I love her where as my other niece is on my mind as we are close. I think of presents she might like and I know about her favourite things. With this niece I have nothing like that. I want to have this with this niece - and will try.

2. posters think I am resentful of sil being a sahm. Again- falsely so. I was lucky enough to take a full year maternity leave for my DCs. I know what it's like to be sahm. She isn't stay at home by choice strictly, more that she can't/ won't hold down a Job and this spans prior to her having a baby. They struggle with money because of this and DB is working so hard on over time plus extra night jobs. He is exhausted and still comes home to do a lot of the bathing, feeding, cleaning and bed time. I don't want to delve in to this too much but I stand my ground on this one, no, her day off isn't well deserved. And random people on the internet will never be able to understand this. This was never the focus of my post.

3. it seems sil having a day off is well deserved but my day off being changed is ok. By what some of you are saying, I don't deserve my day off. I was with an upset, crying baby that I had to soothe, which was hard work. I imagine she wanted her parents, and no, it's not because she sensed how I felt. I made her happy again but not without effort.

4. I was happy to help DM, but had niece not been there, we would have had a very different (easy) day. She was cooking for us but she loves cooking and the kitchen is her territory. We don't need to step foot inside.
   We had plans but had to change them because we didn't have space in the car or an extra car seat for another child. But we were happy to stay in and have a little walk. My DCs were looking forward to our day out but are lovely enough to understand.

5. I was not jealous of DM having time with another gc. My DCs are pretty chilled out and play well. They didn't mind. Again, this just meant we couldn't do what we originally planned, which did put me out a bit. I definitely DO NOT blame the child. Yes maybe DM could have said no but I wouldn't expect her to. I'm also not going to say to my mum, I'm leaving because niece is there - which is what some posters suggested I should have done!? You sound more horrible yourselves.

So pick apart what you will. I accept being told I am being unreasonable and I will take some of the advice on here and get to know niece, to improve our relationship. Posters who are making presumptuous statements to create something more than what I've said, give up making personal remarks about me, if you want to answer with something more constructive, I'll be interested in your view.

@notthewhiterabbit Take note of @reggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName 's post up there.

Maybe that will make you think a bit harder about how you behave towards your niece.

@daisyinatree please read my posts. My situation is completely different from hers. I am nice to my niece. She wouldn't know anything was up. I don't feel a connection. I have not "taken it out" on her. Whatever poster mean by this. I am not treating her badly.

I think people have been too hard on the OP. No one can help how they feel. It's how you act on your feelings that counts, and the OP looked after her niece when asked. Probably things will get better when the niece gets older and emerges as her own person.

You're not very nice.

@TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon you make a good point yourself where you said the bond comes from a bond with the parents. I love DB but not sil. That's why I feel confused about my feelings. I have not decided not to love niece. You have deduced incorrectly from your analysis.

@Rebecca36 again, a personal attack isn't constructive at all. A bit inflammatory as you don't know me at all.