Not loving my niece

[notthewhiterabbit]

Sounds terrible but I don't feel a connection to my niece and it's not her fault at all. She is a cute little girl.
Background is I don't like sil very much for various reasons. She's quite selfish and has not treated DB well imo. Today, I'm visiting my mum and when arrived, I see that niece has been dropped off by DB before he went to work. While sil is going to have a "day off" (she doesn't work and hasn't had a job for years). My DCs played with her well and we had a nice day overall. But I resented having to looking after someone else's child on my day off. DM was preparing lunch and dinner etc and I ended up having to change niece's nappies and entertained her when my ones slept. We popped out for a walk and as her buggy was too heavy/ difficult to steer for DM so I ended up pushing it, in the heat.
I think I do love my niece but I don't seem to care for her as much as my other niece (DH's sister's dd). I'm not making that much effort to interact with her. What's wrong with me!?

@lazyminimoo some kids get better looking as they get older and develop nice personalities so don't give up yet.

How sad, your niece is an innocent little girl and your definitely projecting your negative feelings about your SIL onto your niece.

Your niece is also equally your mother other grandchild and it seems she was on the day trip out as well, so you weren't looking after her all alone anyway. Hope these posts help you realise your projecting onto this innocent girl.

You sound really resentful of your sil.

I think you are getting a hard time here op. Not all families like let alone love each member. I wouldn't know my brothers children if I fell over them. I haven't seen them for 5 years and I certainly didn't love them then

Your poor little niece! She will pick up on your feelings.

I have a really difficult relationship with one of my SIL, she told me she was pregnant (a month after meeting my DB) a few hours after DH and I found out we could not have children. Which she knew. I still bloody adore my nephew and have done from the second he was born. He is treated no different to my other siblings child.

And the way you've mentioned your SIL being a SAHM but needing a "day off" is horrible. I'm currently on adoption leave so technically a SAHM for the time being and yes, sometimes I need a day off too FFS.

We can't love everyone, OP.

I'm surprised you're complaining about pushing your niece's pram "in this heat". Surely more arduous for your older mother to push it in the heat? OK she might not be elderly, but she's certainly older than you! I do not leave my mum to do tasks I think would be onerous myself. (And my mum wouldn't have had to ask me to do it either.)

Tbh, you really aren't coming across well. As DN's personality develops you'll probably find it easier to overcome your distaste over her mum, as she might well stand out as being her own person a bit more.

It's a bit like seeing a friend's child. I know and like them but no real bond?

I don't give a shit about your SIL. This is YOUR BROTHER'S DAUGHTER. And your mother's grandchild.

Grow the fuck up.

*While sil is going to have a "day off" (she doesn't work and hasn't had a job for years). it seems like this is what's wrong with you.
It's a case of SAHM envy, not a nice trait.

I'm not sure I could actually 'love' my DH's sister's children.

Be fond of them and find them funny, clever, cute etc. And be proud of their achievements,and enjoy spoiling them on their birthdays. but not real 'love'

You are NBU resenting changing other people's children's nappies on your day off....that's a bummer (literally ) I bet SIL would never do the same for your kids!

I used to feel this way about my niece and nephew (my husbands sisters kids) but I have put a lot of effort in to getting to know them as little people and I now feel love for them and look forward to spending time with them. I have a very challenging relationship with SIL as we just don’t click. With my sister’s kids - it was a rush of love from the get go. I think how you feel about the parent can have a bearing on your relationship with their children but you can definitely overcome any negative feelings and have a loving and positive relationship with your niece. You just have to recognise that she is not your SIL in baby form!

I don’t get on with my sil and she does the same.
As soon as I would visit my mum, she’d drop her kids off so they could play with their cousins. She’d go off and put her feet up.
I used to really resent it but I saw how much my kids enjoyed their company so I just started taking them out together, cooking meals for all of us and included them in everything. Besides, they’re my brothers kids and I love my brother.

The kids are teenagers now and my niece loves to hangout with me. They still enjoy spending time with my kids and they often have sleepovers at each other’s houses. I love their company and they’re fab kids.

YANBU

I have to say I certainly don't love my sils kids. I just treat them like I would treat any other child, tbh it never really occurred to me that I should have any kind of special bond with them

Same here (as in my DH's sister's kids). They live locally and we see them a lot, I don't feel an ounce of love when I look at them. They're ok, pleasant enough and I give them cuddles etc but I don't love them. And if I'm being honest their 4yo DS is incredibly demanding and hard work and is awful to my 18mo, I find it hard to like him let alone love him.

However, my brothers' kids (my brothers live away so I see my niece and nephew twice a year maybe) I absolutely love. I look at them and feel a deep connection, and the relationship comes very naturally. I think that's normal, they're my brothers' kids after all!

Not disputing life as a sahm but if I went somewhere on my one day off from working, and had to babysit someone else's kids I'd be utterly pissed off as I wouldn't have a choice in that-one day off was all I could have. SIL has every day to choose to be 'off' or asking for someone to have her child. When you're working it is less flexible. I'd be the same as OP no matter whose child it was.

Hmm

I don't like my niece.

She's mid teens though, and quite a nasty sneaky person who is very unpleasant to my slightly younger children. I could see my sister making her this way as she grew up.

I did like her as a small toddler though.

I certainly like some of my kids' friends and more distant relatives' kids more than my neice.

I'm not sure a blood relationship has to make you like someone or feel bonded to them, but I think most toddlers are likable.

I'm not quite sure I understand why you would expect to feel a "connection" to your niece?

All this talk about "blood" is sentimental at best and damaging at worst. It's ok not to bond with relatives even if they're children, for all sorts of reasons. By all means be kind to your niece when you see her but why should you force yourself to feel something that's simply not there in order to satisfy the worldview of others? Yes, you can not like your niece, it's perfectly normal despite what others would have you believe. You are entitled to having your own feelings, even if they don't conform to what's expected of you.

I’ve no connection to my nieces and nephews. Their parents aren’t very nice people so I don’t see them often. It’s a bit sad but maybe when they are older we can get to know each other. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Not liking an older nephew or niece because of a certain trait or behaviour they display is more understandable than disliking a tiny baby only due to the fact you can't stand her mother.

Regardless of your relationship worth SIL, the baby is your brothers daughter, your niece. You won’t have a bond or relationship with her if you view her as an inconvenience to your ‘one day off’ (I’m sure it’s not your only day off, ever, what does it matter if an extra child is there) rather than seeing it as an opportunity to spend time with her.
I’m not best mates with my SIL, but my niece is my family regardless and I’ve never viewed watching her or changing her nappy if needed as ‘childcare’ - I have always been happy to help look after her at family get togethers because I’m her auntie. We built our bond by spending time together and I love her.

It is sad that you feel that way, but it is not her fault, this is your brother's child. Maybe when she is older, you will feel close to her,you can bond over shared activities.

I dislike my niece too as much as I am ashamed to admit it. She was a sweetheart when she was little but had grown into a quite vindictive teen, particularly to my eldest DD who is closest to her age. She can behave quite cruelly to my DM and has an air of superiority about her. It's sad but it's true

God some people are very dramatic here. I totally get you op, I love one of my brothers kids, myself and brother get on so I just enjoy spending time with that family, my other brother and his wife I dislike a lot (for very good reasons), now I like my nephew and he wouldn't know there is a difference but there if a definite difference because I see him less and don't enjoy being around his parents. If I planned a day with my mother and he was there all day I would definitely internally eye roll, an hour or two no problem but not all day, but I would be more annoyed at my mother for not telling me so i could reschedule or at least know in advance

I also don't consider dh's nieces and nephews to be my nieces and nephews, I know that horrifies people on mn, now they are great kids and I get on great with them, sil and her husband but I don't love them line I do my own, I like them like a close friends child

Until you have a good relationship with her Mum I think there may always be a subconscious barrier to that bonding.