Not loving my niece

[notthewhiterabbit]

Sounds terrible but I don't feel a connection to my niece and it's not her fault at all. She is a cute little girl.
Background is I don't like sil very much for various reasons. She's quite selfish and has not treated DB well imo. Today, I'm visiting my mum and when arrived, I see that niece has been dropped off by DB before he went to work. While sil is going to have a "day off" (she doesn't work and hasn't had a job for years). My DCs played with her well and we had a nice day overall. But I resented having to looking after someone else's child on my day off. DM was preparing lunch and dinner etc and I ended up having to change niece's nappies and entertained her when my ones slept. We popped out for a walk and as her buggy was too heavy/ difficult to steer for DM so I ended up pushing it, in the heat.
I think I do love my niece but I don't seem to care for her as much as my other niece (DH's sister's dd). I'm not making that much effort to interact with her. What's wrong with me!?

Even if your SIL was an absolute horror this is still your brothers baby. I can't get past that OP.

This isn't the place to explore your feelings OP. Mumsnet loves nothing more than a bit of sanctimonious putting in of the boot. You weren't happy with your feelings regarding DN so decided to try to unpick them. There's nothing wrong with that and it's healthy. None of us can help our feelings. It's like shouting at someone for feeling cold. It doesn't make them not feel cold.

DM was preparing lunch and dinner etc and I ended up having to change niece's nappies and entertained her when my ones slept. We popped out for a walk and as her buggy was too heavy/ difficult to steer for DM so I ended up pushing it, in the heat.

This has to be a wind-up. You resent your baby niece for the fact that you had to change her nappies and push her buggy? And if that's not what you're saying, then why did you even mention it in a thread about how you don't love the baby in question?

I idolise my nephews. Theyre little aunties boys.
I cant wait until they're 6ft tall towering over me. Being very protective of their old aunt.

But I resented having to looking after someone else's child on my day off

That's not unpicking your feelings. It's blatant that the OP begrudges her mum looking after this child. Plus the other stuff about having to push the heavy pram and watch the baby while her mum made lunch/dinner.

It sounds like you’re nice to your DN, I don’t know you need much more than that? I care about all my DN’s but more because I am obliged to than out of a natural bond. I just treat them like I should and over time have naturally become fond of them. I’m not especially ‘bonded’ to them though, I didn’t know I was supposed to be!

You sound like my brother and sil. Not that they ever looked after dd. Dumped their ds on me though despite me being chronically ill and disabled. Their ds is fantastic, wonderful. My dd inferior, just like me. Whatever he wants, he gets and if my dd doesn’t like it, doesn’t want to do it. “Tough. We don’t always get what we want.”

And I feel guilty because I live too far from DD to pop round and let her have a day to herself while I look after DGD. Being at home with pre-school children was the most tiring ‘job’ I’ve had.

Try to see DN as a little person in her own right and not as an extension of your SIL. The more effort you put into getting to know her, the easier you’ll hopefully find it.

Could the issue here be more to do with you wanted time with your mum and your own dc, and your niece was there preventing that alone time. It sounds as well that your mum asked you / put on you to do these things eg changing nappy and pushing pram (she was the one babysitting and you were visiting) Maybe the annoyance should be more with your mum than the baby.

Put it another way - do you actually have to love your niece? How much time do you have to spend with her? Can´t you treat her the same as other children even if you love them and not her? As long as a child's parents love them and care for them, is it really that important that the rest of the family feels the same?

OP if she is a mini lookalike of you then you need to realise she is a separate person from her mother and actually seeing her without her mother will give you time to bond.

Also you can have fun when she is older.

One of my cousin's, dad's nephew, looks like my dad. When my dad was alive they use to walk into the room together and there would be this silence with people open mouthed. We, my dad's children, would have fun pointing out it was a nephew not a son as people always seem to presume children look like parents not aunts or uncles.

Try to find something that you like about her. If find it difficult to like one of my nephews, SILs child, I try hard but I’m not sure I make it completely. It is mixed up with having a difficult period with my SIL at that time - bullying behaviour from my SIL and the. PIL bringing DN over to us without warning when we had very young twins (3 under 5 yo) and SIL had one child. We were on our knees and then expected to entertain DN. I like his sister my niece - very lovely and smiley who is a couple of years younger. My kids love them both and enjoy meeting up with them. Fake it for the time being as the cousin relationship can be lovely, It is difficult to separate out feelings but try to do so as long term it will make a difference.

Have my first ever

I have to say I certainly don't love my sils kids. I just treat them like I would treat any other child, tbh it never really occurred to me that I should have any kind of special bond with them.

I would be annoyed with your mum though for roping you in. She knew she was seeing you, she knew she was watching the baby, she should have warned you so that you could decide if you still wanted to go over.

I dont think my brothers new baby is very cute* hes still a baby though but i doubt ill be close to him especially as I dont/wont see him much , you think your neice is cute an all an you say you love her , your just normal then, I dont feel love for my brothers baby

‘’But I resented having to looking after someone else's child on my day off.‘’

Not someone else’s child, your brother’s child.

That’s just downright nasty.

I have to say I certainly don't love my sils kids. I just treat them like I would treat any other child, tbh it never really occurred to me that I should have any kind of special bond with them.

Really? Your brothers children? Mind boggling.

Why are people so rotten about mothers having a day off? I imagine if it was your precious brother having a day off you'd say it was well deserved. Childcare is bloody hard work, I deserve the days off I have and I help family out so they can have a day off too.

FWIW I don't think your niece is missing out at all getting no love from you. Quite the opposite

I find it difficult to understand not loving nieces and nephews. I only see my nephews a few times a year as they live far away. We are not particularly close but I do love them. I love hearing news about them, I'd love to live closer to them and spend more time with them. If something bad happened to them, I'd be devastated.

OP, not sure why you're getting such a hard time here.

You sound like a nice person. You entertained your nice while your DC were sleeping when you could have just ignored her and left her to your mum.

Is there a chance BIL dropped off baby because they knew it was your day with your mum?

What is your relationship like with your DB?

How come you work 6 days a week? You must be exhausted? That probably contributed to your feelings. Do you have a DP?

I think you’re projecting your resentment about SIL on to your niece. You’ve mentioned that your SIL stays at home and it sounds as though you work. Are you resentful of the life your SIL has and in particular the opportunity to stay at home? You mentioned that you had to care for your niece on your day off and that this caused resentment. I can understand that. Your SIL, who stays at home, gets a whole day to herself. Meanwhile, because you work, the rest of your time is spent caring for your own kids and doing chores. In other words you don’t really get days off. If this is the case then it’s understandable that you’d feel resentful. I accept that stay at home parents need time to themselves - of course they do. But I think this is probably easier to arrange than for working parents who are struggling to juggle everything. That’s where the resentment is coming from. OP, perhaps you need to ask your mother to look after your kids for a day and just use it to take some time to yourself?

I love my blood brother's children. I have three step sisters and brothers. I don't feel anything towards them more than, say, a child in Tesco. I'm nice to them but don't see them as anything special. My brother's children I love like my own and would die for.

I recently gave up my day off to look after DNs so that DB and SIL could go out for the day without the DC. I just don't understand why you are so resentful and nasty about this child.

You really aren't coming across well here OP.

Some of the responses to @thewhiterabbit's post are unhelpful, accusatory and flippant to the point of being amusing in their representation of the Mumsnet cliche. Some of the posters on this site react with such hostility to the things that don't fit their sentimental view of the world, and can't seem to see problems in an abstract, philosophical, ethically challenging light. Do you genuinely not see that OP poses a genuinely interesting problem here? Concerning not bonding with a child, which you would all be frothing at the mouth at the thought of comforting her over if it were her child?

I think it is very positive that you recognize the way you feel, Understand that it is not the perfect way to be and want to do something about it.

This can only lead to good things. Bravo.