To feel sad that DS16 is spending the entire summer holidays in his pyjamas?

[Crazyladee]

Okay so we're post gcses and he has had a stressful few months but now a few weeks into the exams ending, he has turned into a lazy slob. He doesn't get dressed, just stays in his pyjamas and apart from coming downstairs to get food or do the odd job for me such as unload the dishwasher, he doesn't leave his bed. We've suggested various things for him to do but he's not interested in any hobbies or activities other than Netflix or the Xbox.
The other day he went for a sleepover at a mates house but he caught the bus home late evening as he missed his own bed!
I said to DH what are all his mates doing but we have worked out that they are all hanging out via the Xbox together all in their respective bedrooms!
We can't exactly drag him out of the house or his bedroom but I can't help but feel sad as I have fond memories of the summer I broke up from school doing all sorts and also having a part time summer job and made quite a bit of cash.
Please tell me I'm not alone or do I really have a reclusive lazy slob for a son??

He sounds depressed to me

nostaples the OP added a few posts after the first one saying they had just had a v busy interactive holiday away. And that he did do chores requested etc.

Your teenagers may not like to do interactive gaming with friends but loads of others do. They do other things as well. It’s not a sign of severe depression! At worst it’s laziness.

School will be back on soon. Chill.

I let my children be, once they were past 14. One needed lots of activities and social time with friends, the other preferred to stay in, on the computer or Netflix. Roles have totally reversed now they are grown. My indoor child, has become a world traveler, unable to let the grass grow under his feet. My other child has a job as an EMT, stays home more and binge watches everything.
Unless, you believe depression is an issue, I would leave him to it. He is old enough to decided how he wishes to spend his time.

@CosyLulu the problem is not necessarily the gaming but the fact that he's doing nothing else. Sorry but loading the dishwasher doesn't cut it. Nor does eating and drinking on an all inclusive holiday. If he isn't leaving his bedroom let alone the house then there's a problem. Obviously depression is more serious but I don't think we should be trivialising total inactivity and isolation. However you look at it this is not a healthy, rewarding or productive way to spend a summer. If it was my child I'd be setting boundaries or taking him to the GP for HIS sake. Whatever he says he can't be happy with this situation himself and either needs some motivation or professional support. And it's all very well saying school will get him back into the routine but really you want your kids to learn SELF motivation and SELF discipline.

However you look at it this is not a healthy, rewarding or productive way to spend a summer. If it was my child I'd be setting boundaries or taking him to the GP for HIS sake. Whatever he says he can't be happy with this situation himself and either needs some motivation or professional support. And it's all very well saying school will get him back into the routine but really you want your kids to learn SELF motivation and SELF discipline

Different strokes for different folks.

I don’t believe summer holidays have to be productive other than resting and relaxing.

'Different strokes...' . Hmmm... but what does he think about how he's spending the summer? How will he look back on it? Have they had this conversation? Also it would be one thing to say this about an adult (though I'd be surprised if this behaviour was considered anything other than concerning in an adult) but while he is being financially supported by his parents then they are entitled to have a say in how he spends his time. I wouldn't accept it firstly out of concern for mental health but also why would I be supporting a teenager just to stay in bed all day?

Nostaples really?

If it was my child I'd be setting boundaries or taking him to the GP for HIS sake.

I would love to see what the GP would say about that. "I think my son is depressed because he likes to do gaming online with his friends in the summer holidays." Do you have any sense of how many teenagers are actually seriously mentally ill? If he continues to be like this when term starts again, his grades drop, he stops eating, self harms, loses friends etc. then the OP can worry.

And how is going to learn SELF motivation and SELF discipline if you're not allowing him the freedom to make those decisions for himself?

A lot of kids grow up really resenting parental interference. Have you read 'The Teenage Brain'? It's written by a neurologist and mother of boys; it will explain a lot to you about what happens during this stage of development and what to look out for in terms of depression.

nostaples I think you're over-investing and exaggerating. He's not staying in bed all day. He's wearing comfortable clothing and doing what a lot of teenage boys his age do. No need to dial 999.

My DS didn't make an effort for his GCSEs, so he hadn't really 'earned' a lazy summer.
He has lounged around at home a lot though. And then gone to friends' and lounged around there.
I said he had to do NCS or find a job, so he set off on NCS last week and wk1 was the 'best week of his life'.
I think when the results come out will be the worst week of his life..,,

He's wearing pyjamas and not leaving his room. These are classic signs of mental health problems. Screen addiction is now a recognised mental health problem. I work with teenagers and have lost count of the number who I have referred for this problem. Often it's because I'm the first adult to ask them if they think they've got a problem and it's such a relief for them to be able to say yes to someone neutral.

How will he look back on it?

Well he might be like me. And look back with sheer fondness on the two summers when I did absolutely nothing and my parents supported me therein.

When does one ever get chance to do absolutely nothing again for long periods when you’re an adult?

And sorry but playing computer games with your mates when you're in separate houses in your pjs is NOT socialising. I actually think it's quite dangerous to suggest this is any way just 'normal' teenage behaviour. I have teenagers and I would be concerned they would be seriously depressed if they behaved like this.

I'd love to see your GP's reaction if you dragged a 16yo to the doctors with this problem - "my son is depressed, he loves playing video games in his PJ's with his friends online". It's perfectly normal behaviour, just like playing football in the park is normal, or going to the gym is normal. People enjoy different things. Playing football isn't a superior hobby to playing video games!

'Different strokes...' . Hmmm... but what does he think about how he's spending the summer? How will he look back on it?

I look back on my lazy summers in my pjs with immense fondness. I've never been able to switch off like that since, and I miss it. You're projecting your feelings onto someone else. Just because YOU want to be out and about and achieving things, doesn't mean other people are the same.

I'm still a responsible adult with a full-time job, a house, a partner, a dog and all the rest of it. Those lazy summers at home haven't ruined my future or destroyed my chances of being successful. In fact, having that time to recharge was probably pretty vital for my mental health. Even now, if I'm stressed or tired or wiped out, nothing makes me feel better like a lazy day at home on my own. My partner would prefer to be out cycling or doing something active.

And both of those are normal preferences.

The fact that he's coming home from a sleepover because he's missing his own bed and showing no interest in anything outside screens are massive red flags. As is a mother's instinct - his behaviour makes her sad. If his behaviour is not a problem and he's not addicted then there shouldn't be s problem with leaving his screens and doing something else should there?

JacquesHammer so true. That's that I remember too - a relief from pressure and some freedom in how I spent my time.

nostaples I think it will be up to the OP to work out if he has 'screen addiction' and 'mental health issues' and needs professional support, don't you? From your diagnosis, most teenage boys between the age of 14 and 18 would be considered mentally ill.

he's coming home from a sleepover because he's missing his own bed

So? I never enjoyed sleepovers as a child - much preferred my home comforts, my own bed/bedding, knowing where the bathroom was, knowing I could get up and do what I wanted because I was at home. I was quite happy to have friends sleep over at mine but I never liked sleeping over at other people's house. I still don't. It doesn't mean I have depression or people need to worry about my mental health

@adaline you get there's s difference between your enjoying a pj day or two when you have a full time job etc etc and s teen spending 2 months in their bedroom in pyjamas doing nothing else except stacking the occasional dishwashers when told to right?

A GP would absolutely recognise these symptoms.

Of course playing football is superior to computer games. You are really interacting with humans with all of the benefits physical and mental of exercise and socialising. There's nothing wrong with doing both but for reasons of your own some of you are ignoring the fact that he is showing no interest in anything OTHER than screens.

adaline - same. I hated sleepovers. I loved my room, my own time and space when I was a teenager. I still do.

Honest cosy most teenagers do NOT spend all day in their pyjamas doing Nothing but playing computer games. It is dangerous to normalise such behaviour.

you get there's s difference between your enjoying a pj day or two when you have a full time job etc etc and s teen spending 2 months in their bedroom in pyjamas doing nothing else except stacking the occasional dishwashers when told to right?

I DID enjoy doing that as a teenager. So did other posters on this thread, but that's something you're conveniently ignoring...

Again, of course you're socialising when you're playing video games, or does it not count because it's not face to face? So does talking on the phone or on Skype not count as socialising? What about texting? Do you have to be sat within a certain distance for it to count?

Honest cosy most teenagers do NOT spend all day in their pyjamas doing Nothing but playing computer games. It is dangerous to normalise such behaviour

Yeah some do. It’s not dangerous to suggest it’s normal. I think the OP would be best placed to decide whether that’s a red flag due to other issues.

In and of itself I wouldn’t be concerned

When one thing prevents you from doing other everyday activities like getting dressed of leaving your bedroom it is classed as an addiction.

I agree the op and her son are best with GP if necessary need to work out the scale of the problem and what to do about it. That is what I've been arguing. It is not the place of other posters to say it is not a problem when the OP thinks it is (and it quite clearly is).

nostaples a GP would need a lot of other things to be present to diagnose mental health issues than what you're saying. You're just taking this too far and you won't let it go. I think you described yourself earlier in the thread as a 'control freak'? Apologies if that wasn't you. But you need to just let this idea go.

The OP can work out if there is a serious health concern.

and it quite clearly is

With respect it isn’t your place to diagnose an issue either

Not a control freak. Do work with teenagers for s living and have two of my own.

One thing that's interesting is if this was an adult being described most posters would see this as classic depression. There was a post almost identical to this recently with an adult who rarely left her bedroom.

Wonder why so many of you think it's different for teens who are actually more prone to depression and gaming addiction. Dismissing it as typical teenage behaviour is very problematic.

Teenagers themselves very often want and need support. Saying it's normal to be in your bedroom for weeks on end is not ok.