To feel sad that DS16 is spending the entire summer holidays in his pyjamas?

[Crazyladee]

Okay so we're post gcses and he has had a stressful few months but now a few weeks into the exams ending, he has turned into a lazy slob. He doesn't get dressed, just stays in his pyjamas and apart from coming downstairs to get food or do the odd job for me such as unload the dishwasher, he doesn't leave his bed. We've suggested various things for him to do but he's not interested in any hobbies or activities other than Netflix or the Xbox.
The other day he went for a sleepover at a mates house but he caught the bus home late evening as he missed his own bed!
I said to DH what are all his mates doing but we have worked out that they are all hanging out via the Xbox together all in their respective bedrooms!
We can't exactly drag him out of the house or his bedroom but I can't help but feel sad as I have fond memories of the summer I broke up from school doing all sorts and also having a part time summer job and made quite a bit of cash.
Please tell me I'm not alone or do I really have a reclusive lazy slob for a son??

Some people really hate boys, don't they? No one would ever have said anything so horrid if it had been a daughter lounging round the house.

The dcs have to be dragged out of their lairs to go on a dog walk or similarly exciting trips. They like their lairs. As a teenager I liked my lair too. I certainly did not want to sit downstairs watching One Foot in the Grave with my parents (although I must admit I saw a few episodes later and actually laughed out loud ), nor did I want to go on a fun trip to the garden centre. And "helping" with the supermarket shop. Groan....

You can only be a horrible teenager once (hopefully).

He sounds fairly normal, and is probably just knackered and in need of some time to recharge. I'd keep encouraging him to get out and do something. Is there any way to restrict his access to the wifi? I think it can be a bit too easy to just keep on and on gaming, as it is entertainment, that doesn't involve any effort.

It's interesting, I was always "forced" to be up and fully dressed each morning and "doing stuff" and now I'm a right lazy mare! My mum's retired and yet still is showered/dressed/make up on by 8am each day. Whereas on a day off, I will happily lounge around in my nightie till mid afternoon! Then I might shower and put a clean nightie on! (too hot for much else right now). I don't have unexpected visitors so it isn't an issue. I never liked the "pressure" of you have to do things at certain times just because! And actually I am somewhat joking about being lazy. I work full time, do lots of activities and my house is always clean and tidy.

@StoatofDisarray

Your weekend away sounds amazing!

OMG I could've written this exact post about my 16 year old DS. I get they need a break but jeez he has barely left the house for 2 weeks.

He was signed up to do NCS but had a change of heart and pulled out, such a shame as I knew he would really enjoy it but he has a few anxiety issues so didn't want to push it.

So basically to OP - I feel your pain!

DH admits that if all the technology that is available now was there when he was growing up he would have never left his bedroom either.

I remember spending a lot of the school summer holidays in my room listening to music/writing letters/reading and sleeping!

Back to school will come round soon enough.

I would feel a bit sad about that too.

My DB did this after A levels but then it continued during 1st yr uni, he dropped out and it continued for 1.5 years after that, until we practically forced him to get a job which was very strict and also dragged him to do regular exercise and a few things out of the house.

Obviously this is extreme but I don't think he was "burnt out" by A-levels he was just lazy and then got so isolated, watching TV, sleeping all day, never exercising, or being outside, and doing nothing productive he slipped into a type of depression /became a sloth.

Since being forced into better habits he has taken this and ran with it, works full time and is altogether now a productive and happier person.

So relaxing for a while ok, but I would start encouraging some plans in for rest of August, even something like cycling trails/ days out/ volunteer work /whatever he is into.

Kick him out of the house from 9-5 and force him to find something active to do. Volunteering in a charity shop would be ideal.

What a ridiculous suggestion. Your local charity shop will just take some random teen on to please you then? Our local charity shop is fully staffed they dont take random people on at the drop pf a hat!

Plus we live rurally there is nowhere for my teen to go not everyone lives in a city. I have dragged him out a few times to help with shopping, he has done housework too and we had a weeks hols. Its not gonna kill him to spend time with his mates online every day. They are all doing it!

Just reading PP and I definitely don't hate boys, I love my DB very much now and I did then when he was a teenager.

You are not alone! Similar situation here - we went away for a few days when they broke up but we've been back for over a week and DS14 is barely leaving his room, which smells, as does he (unless I threaten to turn the internet off and he showers). Gaming & watching box sets - that's it. At that age I was out every chance I got - but it was a different era & home was pretty dull. At that age being 'grounded' was the worst punishment imaginable - us telling him he can't stay in doing this the whole time unless he goes out sometimes is ironic!

We're negotiating at the moment - I want him out of the house once a day - ideally the gym, see a friend, but even walking round to the bloody corner shop will do - something, anything so that his muscles don't atrophy and his internal organs keep on functioning. I would NEVER have imagined this of my smiley, sociable, sporty, outdoorsy pre-teen - but now he is this tall, skinny, taciturn, deep voiced man/child (with the odd flash of my boy, every now and then - also thankfully still polite and sociable, to the minimum requirements, with family and visitors, and the odd chore, but that's it & I tell him I love him every day - get a gruff 'love you too Mum' back sometimes too if I'm lucky!).

There is also the fear of mental health associated with this reclusive behaviour - I've read a lot about the risks of teenage boys suffering and lighthearted comments aside I think there has to be a level of awareness - I know a friend of a friend who didn't see the signs in her boy and had the worst outcome imaginable - I don't know what the answer to that is or how you know when it's not just 'down time' but something more? Good advice/warning there from Rideon - I am thinking we need a bit of a plan..

It seems adolescence can be painful for everyone, at least that is my current experience - and until you've seen it from both sides (as a teen yourself back in the day, then as a parent of a teen) you don't understand. I'm also sending in fresh fruit and trying, with various degrees of success, to make him sit in the sunshine for 10-15 minutes a day so he doesn't get rickets or scurvy!

Ahh, days gaming in your pyjamas.

Even now when I have very little to do at the weekend, I still feel a nagging responsibility to my entirely put-downable hobby (writing) to just lounge about in my jammies on the xbox because I know I'll regret it when I don't have time during the week.

I would go for a compromise OP. Yes, do that most of the time, but try and get him out of the house for a couple of hours a day. I had the benefit of living in deep countryside so could go for a wander every day or a run without it being a chore.

It is actually clinically good for teens to be bored though, so don't worry too much about that.

"" Pyjamas are for bedtime or if you're ill""

How closed minded.

I think before you have children, if you aren't really wealthy. You should think if you can tolerate any behaviour that you don't indulge in, yourself.

Your Child is allowed to be their own person, with their own personality and you should give them houseroom, on that basis, until they can be independent,, which will vary depending on were you live.

I've had my children thank you who have now left home. They very much have their own personalities but also aren't idle and are capable of dressing themselves and cooking and tidying up. Useful life skills for when they go to uni and have to do this stuff. Not far away age 16.

Pyjamas are for bedtime or if you're ill

No they are not.

There is now (and has been for a few years) shops that sell lounge wear which mimics pyjamas.

One of my nephews' use to get up, shower, get changed and put on his "lounge wear" which looked like another set of pjs. It use to drive his mum mad, there as he was happy to explain to me in front of his dad why the pjs he wore in the day were different.

Pyjamas are for bedtime or if you're ill

Maybe in your opinion.

Personally I find them amazingly comfortable and much better for lazing around the house in (or even for doing housework in) than jeans!

I do think you need to set some ground rules. Fair enough breakfast in PJs but fully dressed for lunch. And give him a certain number of chores to do, no negotiation or wi-fi code gets changed. I'd also offer to take him on a day out of his choosing. Even a cinema trip.

I'd probably rather give him a lift to his mate's house so they can do gaming there with company than have him gaming all by himself.

My boys are still very little so I don't know really but think I have this to come.

I'd probably rather give him a lift to his mate's house so they can do gaming there with company than have him gaming all by himself.

The gaming is online with friends mine doesnt need to go to thier house. Plus he isnt lugging his pc and monitor to thiers😀.

I know they don't need to be in the same place but surely it's doable and more Sociable?

It’s so hard, isn’t it? My boys aren’t quite GCSEs yet but are past the age of enjoying going out just with me during the holidays. I am term time only so am at home with them the whole time. I miss the days I took them to the playground, various parks for picnics, games of cricket etc and our local National Trust place. Setting the paddling pool up in the back garden. Even indoor play places seem like nice memories now! Last year they were still into Pokémon go, so were always out and about. Not this year.

They are pastthe age of enjoying all that stuff now and neither are majorly into a particular sport although they will take themselves up the park for a kickaboit and an ice cream.

Neither want to help me with gardening anymore. Box games are “boring” and they’ll only play occasionally. I do think gaming technology has the potentially to be bad for mental health and general wellbeing as it seems to be like a drug for my two.

The few rules I do have during the holidays are: no staying up all night and sleeping in the day. Applies to me too! I don’t think it’s good for mental health. They also have to be dressed, washed, teeth brushed by 10am ish on holiday weekdays and 11 on weekends.

I don’t allow them to have any tech or TVs in their bedrooms and they don’t argue with this as they know it’ll be too much of a temptation. (None in ours either)

Beyond that, not many rules. I cringe about the amount of screen time they have, how little they move about. They are both bright but I can see their brains switching off during the holidays. They look pasty instead of tanned like they did during junior school when they played out a lot.

I have a post-GCSE 16-year-old. And I am absolutely letting him organise his own Summer (apart from the one week family holiday). He has spent days and nights with friends, and we've had them crash here too. At the beginning of the Summer he was working for a well known fast food chain who treated him appallingly, so he resigned - a good lesson in knowing your own value I think, but within a week of doing that he has a new Summer job cleaning schools (I laugh at the irony, because I refuse to open his bedroom door for fear I'd free the new life forms that have evolved in there!). We are fortunate that we live in a part of the country that does have employment opportunities, but he is also proactive in applying. He is no paragon, he is still in his PJs today, and I've been asking for the lawn to be cut for two days (my own fault for paying in advance), but he is motivated, because the Summer he was 13/14, I let him fester and he realised on Sept 3rd he'd wasted the holiday, he's been better every year since.

Taking a break after the stress of GCSEs or A-levels is important, but it doesn't need to go on for 10 weeks. I work in HE, I know how I feel by the middle of June, but I think you do need to gently break the cycle now - point out there are only four or five weeks before he is back with his nose to the grindstone at college.

My DD is exactly the same these holidays- we went away straight after GCSEs finished, and she has been sleeping, gaming and doing cosplay online ever since.

She is driving me completely up the wall- DH and I are going away this weekend as I really need a break from her and her sister is much better at tough love than me!

Today I asked her to hoover and collect something from a local shop- she has only just started hoovering now 😬

I obviously don't know the answer but I know how you feel OP!

Having 5 teens with pc towers, keyboards and monitors in a single bedroom? Not so much.

Playing xbox means the tv screen would be split by however many people are playing. Ruins the game if they are playing big first person/rpg type games.

Nothing wrong with being in pj's, saves on the washing! 😉 I think this behavior is pretty standard for the post GCSE summer! Mine was 16 years ago now so pre online gaming etc but I remember spending hours playing the sims2, lazing around the house and garden and being a wholly unproductive member of society! Don't recall spending that much time with friends either. The following summers (6th form, uni) were taken up with summer jobs, and partying - GCSE year is really the last time in your life you can get away with being that lazy so let him be! Fwiw I grew up to be a functional member of society with a social life who is up early at weekends and doesn't even own a games console so its not necessarily a sign of things to come!

DS1 is the same but does walk the dogs (sometimes arranges to meet friends with dogs to walk together).
He also helps in the house and garden (dishwasher/laundry/lawn mowing/ hoovering etc. Not all on the same day!) and has a pt job.

Yesterday, he surfaced at 4pm, hungry and full of energy to rile up his younger siblings.

It’s irritating but nothing to worry about as long as he seems ok with friends and in himself.
They are still growing and developing so fast. I remember being exhausted all the time at his age.
Next year, try and line up a few things to break up the summer. He’ll probably have a job by then which will help too.

God, im a mature student. No way could i have had lie ins after handing my dissertation in. Enjoy the sleep kids

Unless he is depressed let him be.

He has a life time of hardworking ahead of him, let him think and relax..