To feel sad that DS16 is spending the entire summer holidays in his pyjamas?

[Crazyladee]

Okay so we're post gcses and he has had a stressful few months but now a few weeks into the exams ending, he has turned into a lazy slob. He doesn't get dressed, just stays in his pyjamas and apart from coming downstairs to get food or do the odd job for me such as unload the dishwasher, he doesn't leave his bed. We've suggested various things for him to do but he's not interested in any hobbies or activities other than Netflix or the Xbox.
The other day he went for a sleepover at a mates house but he caught the bus home late evening as he missed his own bed!
I said to DH what are all his mates doing but we have worked out that they are all hanging out via the Xbox together all in their respective bedrooms!
We can't exactly drag him out of the house or his bedroom but I can't help but feel sad as I have fond memories of the summer I broke up from school doing all sorts and also having a part time summer job and made quite a bit of cash.
Please tell me I'm not alone or do I really have a reclusive lazy slob for a son??

Anette69 I think you are missing my point which is that a teenager HAS to be up, showered and dressed by 10am in the holidays!

Is nobody aware of teenage biological rhythms? Their sleep patterns are not designed to wake up early. This is fact. Most of them put up with it through school terms but why anybody wouldn’t give them a break during their holiday from this unnatural existence is beyond me.

Cosy, Many parents like structure, there is nothing wrong with that. My teenager is obviously not one of ‘normal ones’ he often goes to bed at 10pm and wakes at 7:30pm/8pm, this is because he hates wasting the day. Everyone is different I just know I couldn’t cope with a day solid of PlayStation and gadgets and I’m lucky that my son doesn’t either I guess. I love being up and ready to start the day.

My dd12 is doing exactly the same atm!! It is easy to become agoraphobic and fall into a routine though. My strongest memories are the daytrips my parents organized though so maybe plan some if you can. I've agreed with dd that slobbing is only acceptable for a few days a week and that she needs to be productive on the other days.

I really am out of touch, at 16 I was working, hanging out with friends and having a blast. Definitely didn’t want to spend anytime in the house. But then I really believe that 16 y o these days are treated like small children if they need 6 weeks to recover from GCSEs then god help them when they get a job poor loves!

But then I really believe that 16 y o these days are treated like small children if they need 6 weeks to recover from GCSEs then god help them when they get a job poor loves!

It’s 20 years since I did GCSEs. I did 12 and then 5 A-levels.

Despite the fact I then went to uni - worked all through my degree - then graduated and got a job immediately I have never felt a period of as much pressure and intensity as exam time!

I agree JacquesHammer, it was the same for me. Now in my forties I’m reaping the rewards of my hard work. 6 weeks in pjs is not healthy or normal.

At 16 i worked my butt off the whole summer! Just finished gcses and staying on at school for A levels, i worked crazy long shifts and picked up any extras going.

A break to chill post exams is fine but he should be up and cracking on with life by now.

Anette69 you’re still missing my point. Structure is find but enforcing an unnnatural structure on a teenager’s natural body structure, ie circadian sleep patterns, is not.

Teenagers are a mystery.

They do go through odd phases. Your DS seems to be going through a reclusive phase.

Unless he is depressed, he is probably just recharging.

Try humorous stunts like putting little postcards under his door headlined "We Miss You".

Getting him to laugh might be the the way.

Good luck, OP.

Cosy, I’m not missing your point I understand you perfectly well. I just don’t agree with you having an issue with a 16 year old having to be ready for the day at 10am.

Every day in the summer holidays ... when it goes totally against a teenager’s natural sleep patterns. Good for you then.

You can be an introvert without being a slob. You don't necessarily have to be outside and active, you can at least be reading a book.

And to those who say it is normal to spend weeks in pyjamas without leaving the house, I disagree. In an adult you would see this as a sign or depression. 'Being a teenager' is not a pathology. There are many ways of being a teenager.

As others say, balance is everything.

On holiday, I recently spent a couple of days doing nothing. What I noticed is how hard it then was to even get up and go for a walk. I really believe I'd lost muscle tone even in that time.

I have very happy memories of my time after finishing exams, at 16, 18 and 21 and I know that dd1 is storing up these memories too. Very pleased that she can say 'That was the summer I did NCS and met new friends, that was the summer I read x, y and z, that was the summer I achieved a PB on the Park Run as well as that was the summer I really chilled and spent a long time relaxing'.

I agree with @nostaples. It's so healthy for them to look back and say to themselves: that was the summer I ... I remember the summer I was so bored I picked up two teach yourself guitar books and found my mum's old guitar and learned every chord I could. Then a Spanish friend of hers overheard me and taught me some Flamenco style picking and tapping. Or the summer I went with a friend to the pool every day and we swam a mile a day.

DS2's instinct is to slob, but with a bit of prompting this is the summer he'll look back on and think: that was when I did work experience in Central London, travelling to a different location every day for two weeks, on my own, aged 15. That was the summer i signed up for a music course to make my second instrument as strong as my first, the summer I did weight training every day and got a six pack. That stuff makes them happy. Gives them a sense of deserved self-pride and a belief they can set their mind to achieving things. Gaming in PJs just doesn't (even though he's still spending 70% of his time doing this.)

@Scarletrose - I get what you are saying and as lovely as it may be to know they are safe and sound in the house away from harm but I would prefer my kids to live in the real world not a virtual one. They need to learn how to deal with real life situations and temptations and make their own judgements and decisions.

I look back on the times I could slob in PJ's for days on end with immense fondness! Not everyone feels the need to be constantly on the go and achieving things, or "bettering themselves".

My parents used to persuade me to do wholesome activities as a teenager - bike rides, walks, days out and I remember looking forward to getting back home more than anything. Even now, although I will go out and do things and enjoy it to an extent, I like nothing better than a lazy day at home, normally in PJ's, with the dog spread out snoring next to me.

That stuff makes them happy. Gives them a sense of deserved self-pride and a belief they can set their mind to achieving things.

Surely that massively depends on the person? Not everyone IS a big achiever and that's okay. I would have hated to spend my summer holidays doing music courses or weight training or learning a language! I'm still a capable adult who goes to work, pays bills, cleans the house, walks the dog and does everything that needs doing. Not enjoying those things and preferring to chill out at home hasn't turned me into a irresponsible lazy adult.

I’d imagine very few kids do nothing except sit around in pyjamas. They probably slope around in their rooms a lot more than we’d want them to. Dd’s not that into gaming so a lot of her time is spent listening to music and doing art. Shd will remember this summer as “the really hot one where we moved my bed to the window and I got my first boyfriend.” Yep! She’s fallen in love big time. So a lot of this summer has been caught up with that and talking to me about that. Being at home doesn’t mean you’re a slob who isn’t experiencing life. I couldn’t imagine enforcing a 10am start on her, it seems to give so little freedom.

adaline what you said

Thank goodness everyone is different. I’m sure all our children are enjoying their Summers and chilling in their own way.

@adaline, it doesn't have to be either or. Over two months it's perfectly possible to spend SOME time chilling in pyjamas as well as SOME time doing other things. Those things don't necessarily have to be active.

Surely there can't be many people who really think that two months in pyjamas not leaving the house or computer is OK.

Equally, I can't see anyone thinking you need to be doing something all day every day when you've just finished GCSEs.

Also, to go back to the OP. The dc's behaviour is making her sad, what about how he feels?

So often when I've spoken to teenagers about their computer/gaming habits they themselves recognize these as an addiction and a problem which they're unable to overcome on their own. Just because the dc is in pyjamas online does NOT mean he's happy doing this any more than the OP is.

Nostaples there can be that but the gaming thing is really v different these days with it being much more a group exercise with friends all Facetiming at the same time. I read an article recently that said this is the result of technology plus people being more wary of letting their kids play out like when we were all kids. So where boys might have played out battle or cowboys or whatever in a nearby field, there is more anxiety about that. So they are using technology as their playing field. I’m in inner city London and most parks and public spaces are not safe - there is a lot of drug dealing, homeless people who can get pretty nasty and some v streetwise kids around. I think we need to be aware of the culture and environment our kids are in.

Surely there can't be many people who really think that two months in pyjamas not leaving the house or computer is OK.

But that's not what's happening, is it? He's been lazing about (normal), gaming with his friends (socialising and still totally normal), doing odd jobs (normal) and went for a sleepover (again, normal).

And I'm sure he goes into the garden, or to walk the dog, or to the shops etc occasionally as well. I spent many happy summers doing the above - lazing around at home, watching daytime TV, sleeping in, eating junk food, playing Sims and just enjoying myself. Today's my day off and I'm still doing a combination of the above!

There's nothing wrong with having a lazy couple of months over the summer. He's never going to have an opportunity to do bugger all again - school, work...he'll be doing those things for the rest of his life. Why force it all on him at 16?

Er, no @adaline we only have what the OP tells us to go on. She is SAD about his behaviour and if his own mother feels like this she probably knows best wouldn't you say? Also he was MEANT to go to a sleepover but came back early so no not 'normal' actually. And sorry but playing computer games with your mates when you're in separate houses in your pjs is NOT socialising. I actually think it's quite dangerous to suggest this is any way just 'normal' teenage behaviour. I have teenagers and I would be concerned they would be seriously depressed if they behaved like this.

As long as he is still helping you around the house like you say, and not breaking any rules or demanding money from you I'd say just leave him to it. He'll be back in full throttle education in a few weeks time.

The OP says he is only interested in XBox and Netflix and only leaves his bed in his room (not even the house) to eat and do the odd job such as load a dishwasher. exams finished st the end of June so if it's been over4 weeks of this that's not any sort of 'normal' I would recognise and the OP KNOWS this hence why she is rightly sad.