To feel sad that DS16 is spending the entire summer holidays in his pyjamas?

[Crazyladee]

Okay so we're post gcses and he has had a stressful few months but now a few weeks into the exams ending, he has turned into a lazy slob. He doesn't get dressed, just stays in his pyjamas and apart from coming downstairs to get food or do the odd job for me such as unload the dishwasher, he doesn't leave his bed. We've suggested various things for him to do but he's not interested in any hobbies or activities other than Netflix or the Xbox.
The other day he went for a sleepover at a mates house but he caught the bus home late evening as he missed his own bed!
I said to DH what are all his mates doing but we have worked out that they are all hanging out via the Xbox together all in their respective bedrooms!
We can't exactly drag him out of the house or his bedroom but I can't help but feel sad as I have fond memories of the summer I broke up from school doing all sorts and also having a part time summer job and made quite a bit of cash.
Please tell me I'm not alone or do I really have a reclusive lazy slob for a son??

You have a 16 year old who wears pyjamas?

I am still in PJs. Don't give a shit.

However, at that age both of mine were working part time. Does DS have any need for money? A part time job, even if it is one day a week, does teach them important skills....

And mine were/are both avid readers rather than gamers so I could always tell myself they were self educating when they were lolling around reading. I wouldn't worry too much but do tell him if he starts to smell

Jacques - what kind of things did you do?

Everyone I knew just spent their time with friends at 16, not just shut in a bedroom on their own.

I know everyone is entitled to enjoy different things, but to me it just sounds like a waste of a life. Maybe a couple of days lounging around but surely any 26 year old with a bit of spark wants more out of life than just playing on their computer all day?

16

@Ozgirl75

I don’t think you understand the gaming world. My DS is gamer. It’s taken to him to all over the Uk, Europe, the States and Asia. And he’s not some big professional player. It is a whole social world of its own. Just because it’s not “your” type of social world doesn’t make it any less worthy. I am much happier him going off to gaming events than sitting in a pub getting plastered. And because he doesn’t spend money on clubbing and alcohol he can afford to travel.

Mines the same. He has had the odd day out biking with friends or mooching about with his gf but they’re either at mine watching Netflix or at hers watching Netflix, or he’s idling in his pc. Let them have the luxury while they can

But Storm, this guy isn’t travelling all over the world - that sounds fab! This boy is in his bedroom.

I think you have to be realistic, teen jobs are scare and the era of children being out all day, if it ever existed, is over.

You are right that I don’t understand the gaming world though. I did have a PlayStation once and realised very quickly how much time I was just wasting on it, not learning anything, or achieving anything at all.

The post was about a mum feeling sad about her boy wasting his summer. I agree - although I also understand how addictive these games can be. I just wonder in the future if people will look back and shudder at the amount of time they’ve wasted doing something so time consuming and yet unproductive.

@Ozgirl75

Read, had time to play my piano/write music, watched movies.

I still look back on that summer with such fondness and such gratefulness that my parents understood the need to recharge.

I’d worked babysitting since I was 14, and worked regular summers/through uni apart from the one post GCSE and the one post A-level.

But so was mine at 16, he didn’t have the money then to travel around. My point really is that having a slouching around summer at 16 is not indicative of being a “failure” as an adult. My DS at 16 was doing the same as OPs, playing in his room or going to friends houses to play. It’s grown from there.

Jacques I think that sounds like a lovely summer, relaxing and enjoyable. I think I have realised how old fashioned I am in that I think there is meaning and achievement in doing things like reading (one of my favourite pastimes), music etc. I wouldn’t call that a wasted summer at all.

In fact some of my fondest (mainly winter) memories are going to the library with my mum, then coming home and sitting by the fire with a hot chocolate and reading for hours.

But ozgirl aren’t most hobbies unproductive? I like reading fiction, not learning anything there. Or playing games on my iPad, or going on MN, lol. And in my DS case, the time wasn’t unproductive as he did build friendships and it set the scene for all the travel etc he does now. The world has changed a lot from when I was young and people’s leisure time is spent differently.

My DC are knackered after a year at school. They go to holiday club in the afternoon, but DD used to fall asleep on their sofa last year. They need chill out time for a couple of weeks, then maybe they can go out for the day.

The thing I've found with gaming though is the effect it has on ds's behaviour and general demeanour.

When he has spent hours gaming he becomes surly, un-co-operative, its like it messes with his head. I arrived home one day last week when he's been on the xbox and he was awful, the way he spoke to me, he didn't want to some out to eat, drink etc.His bed was unmade, stuff everywhere.

He had a rehearsal that night so I took him to that, all the way in the car his face was stuck in his phone, it was like nothing else existed. I picked him up afterwards. The difference was astounding "hi mum how was your day" (erm its 9.30pm maybe you should have asked me that wwhen I got home at 5.30pm!) and allthe way home he was animated, chatting and once home was very willing to help with a couple of jobs and do what I asked.

I asked him about it and he said well yes, singing makes me happy, gaming makes me angry.

Hi OP,

DS2 is a bit like this. DS 1 the opposite, so we really notice the difference. DS 1 is out of the house with friends, at sporting activities which sometimes take him away form home for weeks ata time, doing internships etc.

After GCSEs DS2 had 2 weeks work experience (which were pretty hectic, to be fair) and a few days away with us. Apart form that he has mooched in PJs. I don't want to push him, but don't want him to turn around after the holidays and realise he;s wasted 3 months. That's a LONG time to waste. So I booked him onto a course for a week, in a subject I knew he loves. It involves some prep from him, which he is starting to do. I also picked up some gym equipment from Freecycle and set him up with a daily work out routine, which he is pretty much sticking to. And I've encouraged him to go to a gig with some friends. He's seen no one. To be fair, he tried, but his 'mates' are even less motivated than him. Can't be bothered even to go to the cinema.

He's had a couple of family outings to the cinema and into town. Again, it's not much but it breaks up the 24 hours in PJs routine. Most teens don;t object to an offer of going to get a burger somewhere, then while you;re there you can just squeeze in a visit to something you think he'll like.

DS is not doing much, but at least he's attempting to get fit; doing a bit of music towards his summer school and by the end of the holidays at least he'll have done work experience, been on holiday, done a summer school and done his own keep fit programme. Most of the time he is slobbing in PJs in front of a screen, but breaking it up occasionally has just stopped him from sliding into the pit of demotivation. Can you structure a couple of things into the holiday for him? I just chatted with him and said I didn't want him to regret wasting the free time as he may never have such a long break again. That focused him a bit, and then we looked at summer schools. There will be coding, music, art, sports, maybe even gaming summer schools around. If he;s going to game. he may as well learn how the games are designed and meet others who game.

I like reading fiction, not learning anything there

What sort of shit are you reading?

@happypoobum

I like psychological thrillers at the moment. So I guess maybe learning to be a psychopath or what to watch out for!

like reading fiction, not learning anything there.

That's simply not true. Of course you're learning. Fiction is set in different places with descriptors, information about time, place, cultural attitudes, character development etc. I did an open university degree a couple of years back. Right at the beginning it was recommended we do a mini course on essay writing. I didn't bother. I hadn't studied in years but one of my biggest strengths is putting together information in the written form, having a wide vocabulary, my punctuation and grammar are also pretty good, and I put this purely down to reading thousands of works of fiction over the years, you're constantly absorbing those skills every time you pick up a book.

OP, I have a 15 year old, he's pretty amenable but he just wants to be by himself, in his darkened room, gaming, watching videos on YouTube and tweeting. Fair enough. I think it's pretty common for that age group and maybe if we just left them to it they'd emerge in time with no hand wringing and conflict from us.

Yes Storm When the Apocalypse hits you will be prepared for all the killing

On the strength of this thread I wondered what my own phone usage was so downloaded a free usage monitor. I know my kids use screens for hours a day longer than me so I figured I was a good benchmark (I feel like I browse shit on my phone, like MN far too much).

Well yesterday, I spent over 8 hours on it! 8 bloody hours! The previous day was 4 something which was bad enough but I honestly thought I was barely on it. I knew I was on a bit too often yesterday but wouldnt ever have guessed that half an hour here and there and “i’ll justread this....this is definitely my last one..” etc would add up to the equivalent of a full working day on it.

Blimey. I dread to think how much time my kids spend on their screens then as it is way longer than me. It actually scares me to wonder what damage they are doing to their muscles, eyes, heart by sitting there for hours hardly moving.

It’s all very well saying “ah let them rest” but it can’t be good for them, surely!

DD 10's an introvert. She needs a break from being sociable.

I have a 16 yr old son at home. He lies in but I make him get up and dressed by 11am latest. The weather is gorgeous and can't bear for him to be in his room on his phone. Hes pretty good at gettinot to see friends, swimming in their pools and generally lurking around. IMO it's not healthy for young active people to be lying around doing nothing for more than a couple of days. My son starts a holiday job tomorrow- has to be there at 7am !!!

I spent my teenage summer holidays in my room in the dark, sleeping, reading, drawing and listening to music. And now I'm a relatively 'normal' adult who works and socialises. My teenage DC is spending a lot of time lazing around. And good - there's not going to be many times in their lives that they can just lounge around, daydreaming and playing. Down time is underated. I even have this mantra on my bathroom mirror: 'live life at half the pace.' They'll be pressured into overwork and stress soon enough....unfortunately.

He's a cocklodger in the making

What a horrible thing to say about somebodys son.

Its not ideal OP for his health and wellbeing maybe?

Don’t feel your alone op, I’ve just had the exact conversation with my husband about my 16yr old post exam daughter, she says she feels burnt out and just wants to chill and watch Netflix, we’ve just come back from a week in Spain wich she was quite active sun lounger to pool and back lol!! I’m not to worried I think it’s going to be full throttle come September however I have suggested she puts a cv together to find a weekend job.